It is in the middle of the night and I am still awake. Found myself wasting minutes on cigarettes in small confined toilet that I call as my breathing space to so much of irony. I should quit. I feel like quitting but I get lonely. Another irony as I wanted breathing space to that.
I grew up trying to find myself. Never identified myself as beautiful. I know now that it was because I never really did embrace me. But being in that, I lived a totally blurred outlook. I am being transparent here. Completely. I get lost when people start talking. And with obvious reasons, it gets awkward with people.
On the day of my divorce, I came home feeling elated. I was relieved it was over. Spent months trying to figure where I and where it went wrong. Speaking with family who felt I should leave the marriage, that I was not good enough for they believed the stories that were told to them during that duration. Naturally I felt betrayed.
For one family member who came by herself to see me, the second force to vote for it, shocked at the sight of me. I had grown thin from the miraculous extra 10 kgs I put on just one year before from the hormonal imbalance. I lost more than 15 kgs within 3 months. And I remember telling her this:
"I am glad it is over (the divorcing period). Why should I stay or fight over a man who does not love me? And I am thankful that I have come to terms with myself. At least finally I feel beautiful - as I never did."
She responded, "What do you mean? Are you telling me you never felt beautiful before this?"
I nodded my head.
Truth be told, that was why I have always signed myself off with 'cute'. I felt dressing up was too much for me. Makeup was the same. Frustrated my circle of friends that I had lack of interest or did not see the need of it.
I was finally settled with myself. Began to count back and be bold with myself. Identifying and acknowledging the things that I have done or achieved for myself and others. I also found a connection and need to be with people to help me as I help others in need of things or emotional nutrition.
Such sorrow I carried myself in. That empty space and hole in my soul was what I was familiar with. I would be the one sulking at a corner (not that I was trying to as I appear to be sulking all the time) and perhaps draining others with their happiness. But I was attracted to lost souls. I knew of that as I was familiar with the emptiness in mine.
I forgave myself for what I have given or done was the best that I could think of or do at the time. And I still remember telling my husband then in the court when the judge asked us to have a moment to speak with each other before the he gave me away back to my parents.
"I seek you to forgive for all the things that you expected more or lesser than I was able to give, provide and nourish. Do allow all food, monetary and items that you have given and provided for me to be halal and in kindness. I forgive you the same for all that I expected more or lesser that you were able to provide me. And I am same for all the food and items that I have provided during our course of marriage.
I allow you to let me go so that you can live a life single again. You have done so much for others. Sacrificed your years to provide other people's expectations that you were unable to fulfill or having the opportunity finding your own expectations. For you to do all the things you never got to do in your life. For you to learn new things and find your happiness. For you to find your destiny."
He choked a little when the judge asked if we dated before we married. We did. The judge resumed with that it is really, no excuse for you to say that you do not know who your spouse is and irreconcilable differences between husband and wife.
When he took the vows to let me go, the whole court went silent. Funnily enough, I looked at him as the vows were drawn out from his mouth. I found myself smiling in unison of the farewell of our marriage. Then it was done. I was single again in the eyes of God. The same, in the eyes of the whole court members. And I left the bench. Only to find his mom embracing mine as if I was her child being divorced from her husband. My mom had to pacify here. Too much of drama. But I felt free of letting go heartache, as well as someone and something that once meant so much to me.
I learnt to appreciate what I did for myself to putting myself forward. Spent many nights getting over it. The piercing lonely nights when all you need is someone holding you tight full of affection. I am blessed to have such good friends who just stood by me during that raging hours. Their words drawn in in repetition night after night for me to realize my self-worth and keeping good pride.
From all that I have learnt was, the marriage that we built came to such a bad condition that it had to breakdown. I became more silent towards the years as it crumbled. Shutting down was easier and it seemed necessary that I did more of then. I put myself away from all priorities as I put everyone up front. I became nothing and he became more and more controlling. I gave the power to him when I was the one manning the ship. I had always been the one wearing the pants but I wanted him to do it. The ship was wrecked.
Through the divorce, I found me again. I forgot how much I love shoes and the colour fuchsia. Dwell in late night coffee and indulged in conversations that I appreciate. I have always loved writing and emotions. I managed to clean myself up and appreciated more in clothes as I begin to lose more weight. And I began to love makeup. Feeling beautiful in my strikingly fuchsia Sephora lipstick.
With this ownership, he began looking back at me to what I never allowed myself to become. I became more attractive as I began to reinstate or own the confidence that dwindled and exhausted throughout our marriage. I did not care about what he felt or saw, I only cared about me, my sanity and my kids.
Sometimes I would draw out about what I went through with people whom I call my friends. I am thankful as they say, I do not try to diminish my past; instead it was sharing of life's process.
Too many times I went into depression. And too many times in the past that I carried disappointments that were not of mine onto myself. I learnt to let go. At one step at a time, I learnt to forgive. Then I learnt to pray the best for each one of them. And I am thankful for that I have learnt through the harrowing experience God gave me. For after that, I found true love.
Truth be told, it feels like the first time every time I look at him. And truth be told, I am truly thankful for the wreckage that went away with my total unhappiness with it.
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