Little Miss Gemini

It's a lazy Saturday. The kids want to go swimming. I will abide. Alone again this weekend. Feeling down. Friendless. The friend who's able to attend by themselves. Without children. Me with headaches. Slow mood. Sad mood really.

Truth is, my pool of friends are various in the vanicinity of the heart. Many don't fit the bill now.

I slowly realize I just can't do with Aquarius and find that Aries can be so... I'm being difficult with myself. I just need to vomit whatever silent conversations my mind and heart is having. Perhaps some distraction will be good for me like window shopping. But of course, that will cost as well. Especially with stringing growing children. Food, coffee, snacks and menial things you find would be useful then and there but it completely useless. Ever.

A Gemini would be good right now. I miss my tiny Miss Gemini. She just sweeps herself away from me from the feelings she envelopes herself with. Like hibernation. Completely cutting off everyone she has come into contact with. She forgets that I'm naked inside whenever we're together. Maybe. I embrace flaws, fears, heartache, hate, love, being unloved. It makes you a person and I'm completely yours when you become bare with me.

I miss her. And she absolutely... I hope God is taking care of her. She deserves happiness. And it makes me happy to be able to heal with her. I heal when people around me do.

If only she can see the beauty of what she has as I see her.

Now let me cry in my sleep. Just because, I feel the need to. Because I know her too well. Just as the heart I have inside.

Low

I wonder if I will ever sync all the blogs I have to be one. It would be very daunting I think. Not think, I feel. For me. Because the emotional dimension will be in so many angles and seeing or feeling the structures and emotions of going forwards and backwards all at the same time... Further, for a total of many many years. So so so daunting.

Motivation is low. My mind is working slow pacing jog or more like walking. This morning stroll in park somewhere cold and dewy at this time of the morning. Just some where foreign. Being the one there instead of being the one constantly planning for someone else.

I do want to ignore some memories. I also realize that my way of thinking and analyzing now is more sporadic than ever and I don't care. I don't appreciate myself being stressed out for whatever reason just because I don't need to be and I don't deserve to stress over things. I'm still improving in that area.

There was a time I knew someone who is constantly happy and pleasant. Everyone wanted to be friends with me, just so they could be her friend. It was sad. For me. I couldn't define what was going on but it made me feel worthless that built resentment. Took me years to realize that I'm not ever meant to have many friends. I only saw it as a non-friend-able person. Unworthy. And I keep going back there to punish myself on being a quality friend and how to make people like you. In the end, I become self-centred because I had no one else to discuss about myself. So I'd out-speak about me with whoever I meet, making me even more self-centred. Because nobody cared about how I feel.

Wow. Writing this is painful.

Give me a papercup of hot coffee in my gloved hands. Let me breathe in the autumn air. Grace me a bench for me to sit in the the middle of park to watch the leaves go brown. I love my autumn coloured knee length leather boots. I look good in all olive and gracefulness of the browning leaves. I embrace the coming of September. Just close my eyes and feel the warmth of his face against mine. Feel the warmth of his hug on mine.

This feels secure. And happy. I like this. I like this very much.