Flustered and frustrated.

I feel like the weight of the world is foggy. It's foggy everywhere. Flustered and frustrated. 

Literally feeling I'm at the edge of a cliff. Just waiting for an emotion to come, take a grasp of me, and tell me what it is so it can tell me where I need to go. Swim in the colourful emotions that smell of raspberry and bubblegum, streaking in rainbow stripes. 

My off days have been applied and cancelled for the past three weeks. Not that I wasn't allowed to leave office. More to I haven't been allowed to plan anything personal to take the leave for. We have been outnumbered by all other things which leaves us with lesser to spend on physical surrounding and actual time.

Here I am listening to the instrumental music on Spotify called The Last Hour of Loneliness by Elba (that I find the title is ironic). The commotion of sudden shifting of organisation that means shifting of people from different floors, just to make the beginning of the year ready for new year's work. I was also thrown into the commotion for no direct reason and then followed up about that, and about unrelated things with long rantings that just snapped a vein in my head just to hold my breath in.

I am of little patience right now. 

Gently reminded of the cousin I love. She came yesterday. And I now wonder if I too have bipolar. This sense of soft ground in cloudy gray with lights on the clouds by it's gray from where I sit. But mine has blotches of yellow, pink, purple blue lights that come through. Perhaps I'm not there where she is. It is just that I understand her.

I need cigarettes. 

Crack

Have you ever felt so down that you crack a little, but not broken?

The sense of rejection that I hate.

How does this spin around? How dimensional my emotions can be to feed the need of my multiple blogs with multiple identity in full anonymity? Why is the need to multiple things when they cannot be maintained, but often sought back for solace? Why the questions? Just questionably me, the INFJ. It puts you off feeling not normal at one point. So this is the one point down.

This headache.
This no desire to push one's self.
This dallying of time.
This brain that has no connection.
This fogginess is relentless as it had been here for days.
This arching pain must stop.

I haven't been feeling so alone for a long time. The courage to push was greater when it was before. It feels like I am floating in water of a coven looking outward into the sun and greater water. I feel the sensation. Bobbing up and down in the sea. Fresh water it seems. Just that, nothing else.

Photo was Googled

The truth is...
I need space.
I am needing to run.
I need comfort.
I need appreciation.

So I will.

Red

I'm so angry right now - not upset. Just plain angry where I could feel my face getting red. All over. And I should be thankful of the hypertension pill I have to take daily.

Done the work. Asked for purview. Lagged and lagged as usual. And then now, today, after numerous follow through by various people that I asked to directly prompt Person themselves, just to help everyone in this matter, that Person is purging everything onto me, and telling me that I must make sure everything is done by today. 

Oh this pissing sensation tingling all over. They are all 17 separate documents. That today, you want me to revise. And new attachments. All separate word files. And telling me some charts must be copied in colour because the scan colour is not as cute.

Really. I took time out at lunch and had my own sweet time to drive home and hit the crap out of 5 cigarettes in one sitting when I usually restrain self at lunch time. With that, I physically did crap and a whole load of it came out too. I hoped to have better management of this... all these... But seriously, I feel like punching someone in the face right now. I really do. 

I really do.

Low

I wonder if I will ever sync all the blogs I have to be one. It would be very daunting I think. Not think, I feel. For me. Because the emotional dimension will be in so many angles and seeing or feeling the structures and emotions of going forwards and backwards all at the same time... Further, for a total of many many years. So so so daunting.

Motivation is low. My mind is working slow pacing jog or more like walking. This morning stroll in park somewhere cold and dewy at this time of the morning. Just some where foreign. Being the one there instead of being the one constantly planning for someone else.

I do want to ignore some memories. I also realize that my way of thinking and analyzing now is more sporadic than ever and I don't care. I don't appreciate myself being stressed out for whatever reason just because I don't need to be and I don't deserve to stress over things. I'm still improving in that area.

There was a time I knew someone who is constantly happy and pleasant. Everyone wanted to be friends with me, just so they could be her friend. It was sad. For me. I couldn't define what was going on but it made me feel worthless that built resentment. Took me years to realize that I'm not ever meant to have many friends. I only saw it as a non-friend-able person. Unworthy. And I keep going back there to punish myself on being a quality friend and how to make people like you. In the end, I become self-centred because I had no one else to discuss about myself. So I'd out-speak about me with whoever I meet, making me even more self-centred. Because nobody cared about how I feel.

Wow. Writing this is painful.

Give me a papercup of hot coffee in my gloved hands. Let me breathe in the autumn air. Grace me a bench for me to sit in the the middle of park to watch the leaves go brown. I love my autumn coloured knee length leather boots. I look good in all olive and gracefulness of the browning leaves. I embrace the coming of September. Just close my eyes and feel the warmth of his face against mine. Feel the warmth of his hug on mine.

This feels secure. And happy. I like this. I like this very much.

Perspective of Home

This morning Phillip Phillips' song came on. I've always loved that song. It triggers the membrane for some awesome journey in life I had somehow. Telling wounded souls that they'll be fine and just bear with me so we can heal together. But then somewhere in the song, I felt broken.

Home, the title of this song, came into air in the late 2012 and early 2013. I was so hopeful to keep him in me. Him. The X. Then. Funny how after so many years all these memories still come to haunt me and make me feel broken like a wave hitting the rocks, and the rock that holds all the other rocks in the sea, breaks in the bottom. Yes, that is exactly how it feels. Broken beneath the sea. A place where no one can see or feel. 

I pushed myself to sing the song again, line by line. The crack ran deeper. I decide to stop the cracking and changed my own perspective. The song was about telling MYSELF to bring MYSELF home - which I did, and therefore blessed and thankful for.

Funny ain't it how smell, sight and sound can make or break your day? 

But then again, you too can make the change by turning into a different degree of your perspective. Only sometimes, you need time to gage and find ways how to bring yourself out of the waters. 

Funny too how in current times, nothing else is affected. It's just my brain calling. Emotional growth. Emotional range and understanding of how far I've expanded, experienced, learned, grown and healed.

Like how it is said, God will not test you for something you cannot carry.

It was never a lie.

The State of Being

Dear Self,

In the spirit of INFJ, I have shared my life's story with Ms Brown. The love, the loathing, the resentments that Ms Brown takes into her one by one.  She is one segmental chick whose brain is sorted out just like how I think.  Everything has to in precision, being practical, having space for possibilities; just like a woman who dons the white coat and sits in the lab, understanding possibilities to assimilate answers.

My spouse seems to be slowly assimilating me into his life as I slowly open up to the first few layers of who I am.  Truth be told, I don't ever know if anyone can really know or understand who I am until they are able to.  And I have no explanation to this statement. Although he tells me now I babble things that will stress me out.  And actually, no.  It's just simple stuffs that I kind of picked up along the way in those garbage bins in my head that seemed timely and appropriately just right to declutter.

Getting back to Ms Brown, she tells me how strong of a person she thought I was when I going through some troubled times.  In her eyes she saw me just placid and calm and I understood what everything meant.  And I thrived pacing into separation, while sitting in the court getting down with the divorce and being an independent person with three little kids.

Truth be told, no, I didn't know. But I understood my environment. And I knew him. I understood him.

Ms Brown said, she never did realize on understanding who her soon to be ex-spouse was. I cannot deny that I'm super complex.  But I saw a little boy in front of me.  I understood his intentions, his heart, his every core of being.

While sitting in court before the marriage was dissolved, I told him:

"You have always carried out what was expected of you. You have always tried to please people, and carry out what they want. You have done this all your life that you don't know what you need, what you want; for yourself. So go, I allow you to go, to be single and figure out what it is you need and have always wanted. Go explore and enjoy life. Be overly happy, and be overly hurt. Be on that journey to find out who you are. And if you're ready to come back, we'll talk about it when the time comes."

For me, it is possibly easy. For others, it may not. People are built differently. So much as such that I am able to think for other people, but I cannot think when the problem is immediately mine. 

It's just funny how life is.

And Dear Ms Brown, I have never received such big compliment before as you say all that you did with all sincerity and glassy eyes that you tried so hard to refrain from pouring. I have never in my life embraced this compliment and felt like I have made a difference and accomplished in life. It is an emotional growth. I know this sense of maturity is priceless. 

The Silent Hurt

I have been running with memories of late.  Memories that run like slow lava across the cracks of my heart.  Maybe it pours to heal, to show the distance of how far I am now than I was before.

These memories float in as they please.

How when they dress differently can cause deep hurt inside of you.  They no longer appear to how you know them.  Even the glimmer in their eyes don't shine the same.  The cockiness or aura defies all the years of courting and marriage that you have known them.  And this person standing before you to pick up the kids you both made, is completely a whole other person that deletes all the things you know him by heart.

Lost were the days when he lets you stare at his profile and drink in the sensation of his skin.  The one who used to hate it when you try to show affection but you know that he needs.  The person of principle and knew means around only what we could only afford.  

Then looking down at my feet.  I silently felt poor in the material things that I own, while he stood there feeling full of himself.  

But what hurt more was this bitterness of how quickly you lost the person you knew for over 10 years.  No longer appear the same.  No longer smell the same.  No longer feel the same.  No longer have the same core of a person you knew by heart.

That was one of the moments that hurt. 

The silent hurt.

But I lived through it.  And rejoiced with the man who changed.  

Head Menopause

How long have I dwell in this feeling that the ones that I like, don't like me; whilst the ones I can't stand, just wants to stick like glue?

Intriguing how each time I do want to speak to her, I fear of rejection.  Shoved off.  Silence.  All those that makes you feel worthless.  The very thing that Scorpions are so good at.  That.  It's sad for me, just plain sad, at the same time.  I keep wondering what is it about this relationship that I'm still stuck on, like what am I looking forward to?  What is it that I hope from it?  What is that I expect from her?

Our lives are built differently.  I know that she is meant to help people with big emotional upheaval kind of thing, and she leaves when things are better.  That is the story of her life cycle.  She is meant to appear in your life to help you through roughness of life.  When I was going through crap of uber nastiness that turned my life upside down for an intense 3 years, it was so easy to see, go out and connect with her.  When things turned out for the better, we saw each other lesser and communicated lesser.  But then I seem to have begun offending her.  She stopped responding to my messages altogether.  She stopped liking anything I posted online.  And eventually, I did the same.  Just because I feel hurt and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  And she would know that and will not give you credit for it - because, why would she? 

But truth be told, I try to reconnect with her on many levels.  I tried so hard that I began overthinking and each time the attempts seem to have worsen whatever it was that we had.  

So, this evening, light heartedly I thought: 

Hey, I could tell her that I've discovered my 4-Letter personality that is intriguing for me, and it feels like home each time I get into articles about it.  And I'm just sharing it with you coz it's interesting and relateable with the stuffs that we talked about before.

I ended the text dismissing myself that I don't expect for her to respond the message.  Which is sad because I just realised that I had subconsciously done that to buffer my own heart from being hurt from being disengaged from her life.

Aih.  Now I really feel like some idiotic crap trying to have this split in between invisible, appearing, teleporting and leaping into a different time zone altogether.

I feel like crap now that I've lost it altogether.

The message when through with two green ticks but no response. 

(Pause)

I am crap.  So I shall lay on the ground and stay still until something happens to that would make me want to move or do something.

A Little Dose of Life's Benadryl

I am, as person, like a dose of Benadryl.  It's either you get a strong dose of the medicine, the medicine is ignored or it will put you to sleep.

Yes, sincerely and truthfully, I am an extremely boring person.  I don't even post photos and write only when I feel like it.  And I actually have more than 3 blogs that is random to fit what I feel at that time of writing.  When I am almost pure to myself, I communicate in English.  Maybe that's why I am more direct as a person.  Like, if you are sick and just sitting there looking at me, I will offer you come medicine.  I give as you need.  But if you need higher dosage, I will increase it as it should.

But here's the thing.  Not everyone can see, face or understand what they think they are facing because judgement and own personal strength (weak or egoistic) clouds and overwhelms them.  So if the area is familiar, I will help to guide you.  But you will need to get through the stormy seas yourself.  Bikos no one else can do that for you.  The sea is your own emotions and the ship is your own being.

The ride will be rougher when you start complaining about the things that makes your ship rocky and start blaming everybody else on the weather, the rocks, the birds that poop on your ship among every other thing.  

Then I question:  

1. Do you want to get through this storm, or do you want to stay there and just blame everything else? 

My support: I listen, filter and sift through nonsense and shortcuts.  I will tell you what I assess through, quite straightforward.

2. Don't you want to see what is broken on your ship that is making you feel impaired to move?

My support: We approach it depending on your behavioural feedback. The more your struggle, the more direct my responses be.  We don't need laces and vibrant paint colours to fix the ship.  We need wood, panels, nails and hammers.  Nobody said this process is easy.  But I will help support you.

3. Let us identify what is broken and we get it fixed. 

My support: But I'm not on the ship.  You are.  I will help guide you so you know how to fix yourself the next time around and be proud of this knowledge. 

I am sorry that I'm not diplomatic.  Whenever I try, it becomes something else tiresome because it doesn't fix the problem.  It only buffers it and may divert to turn into another problem, or a whole length of it.

It takes years to undo self, and years to learn/implement new habits.  It takes a lot to ACCEPT and EMBRACE yourself.  To FORGIVE self, and accept your self-flaws.  To FORGIVE everyone else that has come across your path.  I never said this was an easy.  But you've got to stop blaming other people for your own life's failure.  You always have an option to get help.  But be sincere in wanting to change.  Identifying what to change.  And making effort to improve your life.

This is just how I feel.

This is just something from me.

If only some people are able to see the views of other people instead of blaming how wrong and negative people who are trying to help you.  

There is no such things as coincidence.  God puts the right people in your path, for you.

Much Needed Sanity

I realized that I was sinking my own ship into the shallow waters.  I tend to do that.  Getting overboard over nothing just because it feels vacant inside although it is not.  Senselessly telling myself that I am bored, with nothingness; when it is truly that I need to have some emotional turmoil to get me through the day to be able to feel something.  That was what I was accustomed to.  Being numb.

There are a few friends going through that - being numb.  But they are whiners.  They seem stuck.  But they too seem like they are not progressing.  However, I have decided to have no concern in them as they keep whining and do nothing about what bothers them.  It is their life to deal with.  It is not mine.  Until they decide about dealing with it, then it is another stage for them.

Weather has been bad here.  The haze is everywhere.  Schools closed with exams due in two weeks and unable to cover a few syllabus towards exam date.  It has been a month.  And kids with respiratory problems are advised to be home even when the schools are open.  I send them alternately.  Like two days, then break.  They need school.  But they also need to keep healthy.  Then again, the schools closing and opening are about that duration too.  No difference whatsoever then.

Work has been emotional.  I have been angry most of the time.  Yes, angry.  Angered by the complacency, no cooperation, no compassion, no sincerity, no transparency, no information, no information and no information.  

Today, I have decided to keep myself sane.  I do have a few datelines today.  Therefore I shall go now and make myself a cup of coffee, though still undecided to go black or play on with the 3-in-1 sachet.  Get something sweet, something savoury.  Oh I really wish I could get a cinnamon bun right now.  Or pastry oozing with cheese.  Or that ultimate lifesaving feeling for me - mixed salad rounded by feta cheese.  

My ultimate hotel getaway:  When the breakfast buffet serves a bunch of cheese, wholesome salad range, Italian dressing, olive oil, sausages, cold cuts and 'everything on it' omelet.  

I shall go away with my dirty cup now to the pantry, letting that salad drowned in feta cheese feeling remain in my throat.

Credit: Found on Google following this URL

Then probably continue with burying my feet beneath the sands as the waves brakes.  

Much need sanity.

Thank you.

What is this life?

What is this life?  

I find myself asking this blankly facing the computer this morning.  Pissed off a few buttons on myself for having encounter such behaviour of self-mismanagement of other people.  Does this statement make any sense to you at all?  How else do I explain it to you?  I don't know.  I'm just thankful for all the hypertension pills swallowed this morning that I don't feel jumpy or just completely lose it.

Although I almost did.

To give instruction without proper direction just pisses me.

When you are being so insincere and calculative, also pisses me off.

Especially when you are inconsiderate with other people's time.

And why am I still here anyway?

Pffft.

Delusional

With all the delusions in my head, I get myself into a head cramp first, and heart cramp later.  The things I do to myself.  Do I personally loath that I am an over critical self heart mutilating person and head full of sarcasm over writing and lip syncing for whatever I can see through my eyes?  Indeed.

I backfire myself. 

Need to word vomit. 

No.

Just vomit all the words out so I can see clearly and empty whatever is in my head, then my heart. All the tantamount of emotions is just too much.

Too too much for me right now.  And my brain is completely switching on its sarcasm auto-mode. 

Haih.  Just because of the emotional overload. 

Now I feel like a very very very bad person.

But then again, probably not. Hahahaha. Oh the bi(a)tch that I can be.

Reality Bites in the Arse

Truth be told I woke up weaving in and out of sleep literally being awake and sleeping 20-30 minutes each time, throughout this morning.  So I developed a headache.  Or perhaps I was weaving sleep because I had headache.  

So I tried to take my time getting ready for work.  I bathed and cleaned every nook and cranny of by body.  Then looking at self, I actually attempted to come to work without bra on today.  Well, I put the bra-singlet thing on and felt comfortable in it.  But there was a "WTF?!" moment and so I came to the office in a proper bra on.

I am still having headaches through the morning.  It has been quite a stressful day that I have not been getting much done where instead I would weave through the internet for some self-distraction, which really does me a lot of good, actually.  Err.  At least that is what I think.  

And so.  Reality bites in the arse.  Sometimes, a certain scent, or feeling or moment would pull me back to where I was a few years ago.  This morning I drifted into the memory when he made arrangements for household packing for us to move back into my parents' - when he knew he had no intention of moving back with me and the kids.  And that piece of memory waved of as I said, "OK" and moved myself upstairs to get ready.  

I am at a better place now.

Although the arse is hurting again when I see faces of people who reminds me of the stuffs I need to get going today.  

Too many loads today.  And I am slowly putting my head back into my shell as I resist, tongue-biting myself, finger-restraining myself, from sincerely lashing back to these groups who are self-absorbed. I never get why some people just like stealing someone else's thunder and does it so without compassion.  So very self-absorbed.

Haih.

Another self-distraction, I found a mushroom soup recipe, Jamie Oliver style.  Reminds me when I my eldest was about 2 years old.  We went into the bookshop and I showed him Jamie's cooking book and went, "Look at Uncle Jamie!" and everyone around us went curious and kept looking back at us. It was unintentional for it to sound that way.  But I just referred to everyone one else as uncles and aunts with him.

Anyhoo...  Here is the link to MUSHROOM SOUP by Jamie Oliver.

Looks good ain't it?

Self Resentment

What is love?  

Love is perhaps waiting for Scrabble to patiently load into your mobile and it has been more than 2 attempt of reloading and more than 3 minutes of waiting.  That is how patient we all are - only for 3 minutes.  And I am feeling impatient about it by minute.  Oh well.  Let us just shut the damn thing off.  Ugh.  Pffft.  How sad is that?

We used to wait 14-30 days for an international letter from our pen pal.  Or half a day lounging about the house, just waiting for a boyfriend's phone call made from the public phone.  And cards.  All sorts of greeting cards.  Throughout the weather.  And rundown letters from the rain.  Not bills.  Real heartfelt letters.

But I am in boredom as I celebrate alone by myself on all little tiny achievements.  

Why am I enthralled to these things?  So drawn to this weirdness that can be so sorry to self instead of simple awesomeness.  

At this point of time, I really pity myself.

This Roller Coaster Ride

After a few hours away from the first post, I have calm to my hypertension pills that I had forgotten to take this morning.  I have walked myself to from block to block getting back to my workstation with a gentle taste of Magnum in my mouth.  With long breaths and a sit down after some light snack now I remember what triggered my whole emotional roller bleeping coaster.

When I began with this place, I supported the top layer of management.  And after some ordeal I had to settle with for the past few years, I am now at the bottom.  Truthfully I am thankful that I do not take things personal, just the same that I execute my work as it should and do not try to make things difficult when carrying them out from Day 1.  

Hitting rock bottom was meant to happen.  Rock bottom with the job, and rock bottom with the marriage that went with most of the people I call family and friends.  But I got out of the crap that I stayed intensely for approximately 3 years.  It was not beautiful then.  However, getting out of it is considered as victorious as time goes by.

Today I met one of the support people with whom I have worked with from a long time back.  And I feel somewhat angered that at that one moment, she looked down on me.  The people whom were the the lower support team are now above me.  Just because someone berated me for things that were too many for me to do and keep them at the standard that both she and I wanted.  One thing is for sure, I do know that I did a good job at my end.  Who cares about what she thinks of me?  She cannot eat back on her words and her own actions now.  For she has since employed two other staffs to do my one job and paying more than double of what the company was paying for me, under par. 

I chose to leave as I was not being treated fairly.  So dear self, please calm yourself down.  You are allowed to cry your losses.  But you should celebrate what you have then achieved.

Getting out of the dull aching situation, you were able to learn who you were and what you wanted. You regained your self-confidence.  And you found true love again.  With this new working environment, you leave on time and have more time to make the children happy, the same to be able to run around for their extra classes and time for yourself.  So open your eyes and see the things that you have now.  No more brain messes after work and over the weekend as well as holidays.  You should be grateful my dear.

And I am.

Self Affair

This is one of the lowest points of my weeks. Aside of having waiting for my extremely delayed period due to PCOS, I have been extremely irritated to the fact that I have been moody and resenting this body.  Then finally the bad blood expels itself out recently to which I am absolutely grateful for, when I was away with my family for a short holiday.

On this day, I see pictures of me flying around in the Family Chat Group.  I am not photogenic.  Yes. I have always known that. But the weight and water retention that I had absorbed during this time while waiting for the period has given me an uglier face.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.

I makes me think why in the world did he remarry me?  How can you appreciate the woman who repeats herself the same through both marriages?  And absolutely, why do I do this to myself?  Do I really need to self-punish me this way?  

But seriously, I feel ugly inside out.

And I also hate this arrogant bastard in the office who is arrogant.  There are in fact, two of them.  

I may be going on this self-loath/hate/troubled feeling rampage throughout the day.  So I may as well just let myself vomit my feelings out in here.  

Can I cry now?

Stuck Sensation

I have no idea where I am at.  In the midst of documents to write, I begin to wonder if I am emotionally stable, or mentally stable, seeing that out of my head, I have family relatives who has bipolar.  Perhaps I was one but eventually found a grip to hold onto.

Feeling like where I was before.  Perhaps it is my greatest ability to clean up people's mess.  Or, make a mess and clean myself after it.  Some days I go home and I won't be able to tell what I have done all day.  Now, that sucks.  But when you think it over, it is more of trying but being stuck in process that it in a chain of other people in it.  Or, you not being able to communicate to bring it further in the day.  Or, you keep calling people to get it going and still end up stuck there with 3, 4 things to finish but damn, you are completely in a jam.

Right now in the zone of delivering a message of memorandum which has been changed 3 times over since yesterday.  Getting all documents ready to support it is even more taxing.  To close cases that has not been closed making me feel like some what insurance agent in the finance end.  What is this? Am I just droning my days in and out?

Just how I completely feel like being absent for a mindful rest when my child gets into the hospital, with the other two siblings falling sick around the same time.  How restful is that when you are on your own without other half?  Not to say that I am completely grateful for the support of family so close, but, you know what I mean.

If I could just doze off right now, I would probably wake up 5 hours later.  

I just need a beautiful beach with clear water.  Wind in my hair.  Good hawker food.  Alone time in the balcony corners of the room.  And some time banging by the window.  I do need that.  The banging.  But I am feeling unattractive with this bloat of body.  And hating my hair.  As well as all the body hair that do not need to exist.  

Photo Found by Google Search

Rest is peaceful when resting is with him.  

A Silent Spectator

Life has been buzzing by as I sit there and stare on my outlook with eyes glazed.  Sometimes it feels that way.  Perhaps that stone feeling stays there 50 percent of the time.  Or I just feel that way inside as no smile freezes on my face.  

I have been feeling suspended in the air for the past week. Just suspended there.  And nothing else except darkness and what I saw were shades of darkness that looms in the eyesight.  How does it get to there?  I could not even phantom how my skeptical look sees and times out that way.  My father has always told me that I cannot work with other people as my idealism is such that it may not give frame for other people to work on.  Perhaps.  As in my eyes, there were so many chances given that people in the end, takes her for granted before she cracks.

How do I stop feeling like a life's spectator?  I zone in and out automatically. At least I do not do it most of the time as last.  Perhaps the frequency has reduced. And I check into reality more often. But somehow I find myself flailing when he is not by my side.  Like one side rear view mirror is missing so losing hold perspective sometimes happen.

This is the outlook for me today.

I do not need a physical hug from him.  But him telling me that he misses me, would make me feel balanced somehow.  Because I need a little balance today.

Some days are Ed Sheeren Days

Some days are Ed Sheeren Days.

"THINKING OUT LOUD"

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are

The truth is, love exists.  Only it will approach you in different ways.

Love.

Me.

The Fall from the Burj

There was last year's best songs music award live telecast last night. We watched. I knew I tried getting tickets to attend at the venue. But we did not manage to get any this year. I did not need any the year before.  

I could still remember clearly the last that we attended. Our second child had just been discharged from the hospital after staying there for one week. Caught between motherhood feeling guilty leaving the sick behind and doing the right thing for me, I took on the latter and got myself ready for the show.  Neither of us spoke as we both got ready. He did not care to look at me. And I just went along to what I think was fine enough for him.  

The strain on the marriage begun to show. He was only present on the first night at the hospital and left the following night for the work, hours away from home. He did not try to come home to visit his son, neither did he try to answer my calls when the child needed him most. When I needed him too. He only came back when we were all safely at home, in time for the show.

So I queued for entry as he went to park the car. His brother and his wife came waddling behind me, joining the show, and joined me in line. And then I found him further behind. Much further behind, out of line, by the borders of the sidewalk with a phone on his cheek smiling and laughing as he spoke. Something that I had not seen him do for me of late, at the time. I did not have anything to say to him. I was hurt and disappointed. Beyond words. When he joined us, he was vacant. My presence bothered him. It was not me who was spacing out. And so I told myself that I was going to let me go and enjoy this show.

I envied the relationship that his brothers had with their wives. They were so free. One could shout all her might openly and not get schooled by anyone in the family, as he. One would snuggle and tease hers as he did with she where everyone else would join in the laughter. One was so quick to do things that you could see her husband just there to pick up what she missed out. They all did not have emotional barrier with their spouses. Something what he and I did not have.

At that point of the live show telecast where we were a couple of years ago, we stood there like mannequins. This was not the man I knew by heart. Not the one who would stare at me as I lay sleeping. Not the one who would make me laugh and laugh with me. Not the one who would try to meddle with what I was doing just to make it perfect while being a nuisance. I knew he has lost appreciation for me.  

I got up and danced as the show went on. But I was partially paralyzed. It was as if my actions were embarrassing him. I did not care. I knew I needed this. And this went on until the show ended at midnight. It felt like being on top of the Burj and waiting to fall knowing the gap of fall it would take to the ground. The hollowness was hurtful. It felt like the enjoyment had gone to waste.

My laid my head against his shoulder as we watched the show last night. He tried to recollect when was the last we went for the music award. I said, "Two years ago.  But let us not talk about it. It was hurtful. You face showed disgust at the sight of me." He managed a gaggle acknowledging it before falling silent. Like a black comedy that is worth a gaggle, I snorted too. But his body remained relax, as did I. And we continued watching the show together until it ended.

Last night I fell from the Burj to let go of a memory, knowing that he would embrace me somewhere in between. And I would be ready there prepared with a parachute myself too.