Crack

Have you ever felt so down that you crack a little, but not broken?

The sense of rejection that I hate.

How does this spin around? How dimensional my emotions can be to feed the need of my multiple blogs with multiple identity in full anonymity? Why is the need to multiple things when they cannot be maintained, but often sought back for solace? Why the questions? Just questionably me, the INFJ. It puts you off feeling not normal at one point. So this is the one point down.

This headache.
This no desire to push one's self.
This dallying of time.
This brain that has no connection.
This fogginess is relentless as it had been here for days.
This arching pain must stop.

I haven't been feeling so alone for a long time. The courage to push was greater when it was before. It feels like I am floating in water of a coven looking outward into the sun and greater water. I feel the sensation. Bobbing up and down in the sea. Fresh water it seems. Just that, nothing else.

Photo was Googled

The truth is...
I need space.
I am needing to run.
I need comfort.
I need appreciation.

So I will.

Low

I wonder if I will ever sync all the blogs I have to be one. It would be very daunting I think. Not think, I feel. For me. Because the emotional dimension will be in so many angles and seeing or feeling the structures and emotions of going forwards and backwards all at the same time... Further, for a total of many many years. So so so daunting.

Motivation is low. My mind is working slow pacing jog or more like walking. This morning stroll in park somewhere cold and dewy at this time of the morning. Just some where foreign. Being the one there instead of being the one constantly planning for someone else.

I do want to ignore some memories. I also realize that my way of thinking and analyzing now is more sporadic than ever and I don't care. I don't appreciate myself being stressed out for whatever reason just because I don't need to be and I don't deserve to stress over things. I'm still improving in that area.

There was a time I knew someone who is constantly happy and pleasant. Everyone wanted to be friends with me, just so they could be her friend. It was sad. For me. I couldn't define what was going on but it made me feel worthless that built resentment. Took me years to realize that I'm not ever meant to have many friends. I only saw it as a non-friend-able person. Unworthy. And I keep going back there to punish myself on being a quality friend and how to make people like you. In the end, I become self-centred because I had no one else to discuss about myself. So I'd out-speak about me with whoever I meet, making me even more self-centred. Because nobody cared about how I feel.

Wow. Writing this is painful.

Give me a papercup of hot coffee in my gloved hands. Let me breathe in the autumn air. Grace me a bench for me to sit in the the middle of park to watch the leaves go brown. I love my autumn coloured knee length leather boots. I look good in all olive and gracefulness of the browning leaves. I embrace the coming of September. Just close my eyes and feel the warmth of his face against mine. Feel the warmth of his hug on mine.

This feels secure. And happy. I like this. I like this very much.

Perspective of Home

This morning Phillip Phillips' song came on. I've always loved that song. It triggers the membrane for some awesome journey in life I had somehow. Telling wounded souls that they'll be fine and just bear with me so we can heal together. But then somewhere in the song, I felt broken.

Home, the title of this song, came into air in the late 2012 and early 2013. I was so hopeful to keep him in me. Him. The X. Then. Funny how after so many years all these memories still come to haunt me and make me feel broken like a wave hitting the rocks, and the rock that holds all the other rocks in the sea, breaks in the bottom. Yes, that is exactly how it feels. Broken beneath the sea. A place where no one can see or feel. 

I pushed myself to sing the song again, line by line. The crack ran deeper. I decide to stop the cracking and changed my own perspective. The song was about telling MYSELF to bring MYSELF home - which I did, and therefore blessed and thankful for.

Funny ain't it how smell, sight and sound can make or break your day? 

But then again, you too can make the change by turning into a different degree of your perspective. Only sometimes, you need time to gage and find ways how to bring yourself out of the waters. 

Funny too how in current times, nothing else is affected. It's just my brain calling. Emotional growth. Emotional range and understanding of how far I've expanded, experienced, learned, grown and healed.

Like how it is said, God will not test you for something you cannot carry.

It was never a lie.

The State of Being

Dear Self,

In the spirit of INFJ, I have shared my life's story with Ms Brown. The love, the loathing, the resentments that Ms Brown takes into her one by one.  She is one segmental chick whose brain is sorted out just like how I think.  Everything has to in precision, being practical, having space for possibilities; just like a woman who dons the white coat and sits in the lab, understanding possibilities to assimilate answers.

My spouse seems to be slowly assimilating me into his life as I slowly open up to the first few layers of who I am.  Truth be told, I don't ever know if anyone can really know or understand who I am until they are able to.  And I have no explanation to this statement. Although he tells me now I babble things that will stress me out.  And actually, no.  It's just simple stuffs that I kind of picked up along the way in those garbage bins in my head that seemed timely and appropriately just right to declutter.

Getting back to Ms Brown, she tells me how strong of a person she thought I was when I going through some troubled times.  In her eyes she saw me just placid and calm and I understood what everything meant.  And I thrived pacing into separation, while sitting in the court getting down with the divorce and being an independent person with three little kids.

Truth be told, no, I didn't know. But I understood my environment. And I knew him. I understood him.

Ms Brown said, she never did realize on understanding who her soon to be ex-spouse was. I cannot deny that I'm super complex.  But I saw a little boy in front of me.  I understood his intentions, his heart, his every core of being.

While sitting in court before the marriage was dissolved, I told him:

"You have always carried out what was expected of you. You have always tried to please people, and carry out what they want. You have done this all your life that you don't know what you need, what you want; for yourself. So go, I allow you to go, to be single and figure out what it is you need and have always wanted. Go explore and enjoy life. Be overly happy, and be overly hurt. Be on that journey to find out who you are. And if you're ready to come back, we'll talk about it when the time comes."

For me, it is possibly easy. For others, it may not. People are built differently. So much as such that I am able to think for other people, but I cannot think when the problem is immediately mine. 

It's just funny how life is.

And Dear Ms Brown, I have never received such big compliment before as you say all that you did with all sincerity and glassy eyes that you tried so hard to refrain from pouring. I have never in my life embraced this compliment and felt like I have made a difference and accomplished in life. It is an emotional growth. I know this sense of maturity is priceless. 

This Flashback

I have been keeping myself in silo with close friends who end up listening to me vomit out my insecurities as I go through the days and feel nothing great I had done entirely throughout of it.  But the private sessions that I go about has been quite filling and great.  

Aside of the above, I have explored Wordpress for fun and found myself opening compulsively, yet another blog.  I have no idea why.  The compulsiveness and addiction to having so many.  I mean, I am aware that there so many dimensions to my feelings and the things I talk to myself about.  But after being able to identify my personality that I have struggled to understand for almost 40 years, it is just a celebration of embracing myself - yet again.

I can hear the kids screaming upstairs and me, not moving an inch of myself.  

This equation of self.  (Oh God, all that screaming of the kids!)

What I had wanted to write about was the memories that come flashing back to me.  

I remember the time during the divorce, when both he and I were in good terms after of it, the kids would sometimes come to me with the heads hung over my shoulders and thighs.  

"Mummy, we don't want you to be detached with Daddy anymore."

"Yes, Mummy, we don't want you to be broken with him."

"Please reassemble this relationship with him.  We love both of you."

Each time they say this, I felt grounded.  Not really sad, but I accepted what was fated.  I wasn't feeling angry or upset.  Just this corner the heart that rumples itself and hangs itself to dry as I tell them this:

"In our religion, divorce (in its easiest way) is said (decision) by the husband who says it with intent - then the marriage is broken.  It is he too who needs to say it with intent that he wants to denounce the divorce, not the wife (within the woman's 3 period cycle).  And it is too the one who has to say the words with intent to a marriage vow that the two combine.  At this point, it is not I who can decide for what you want.  Just ask from God of what you want and your need, and in time if it is the best thing for you, He will grant it for you.  If not, we accept that your father and I are no longer good to be husband and wife anymore - where we will remain as your parents and remain as friends with each other.  The only difference is we are no longer husband and wife."

And each time, they would keep their heads bowed down and relish my words to heart.  I am thankful that are emotionally matured although their ages then were 5, 7 and 10. 

On the day where I transparently told them that the divorce will happen, the eldest took flight when I asked him if he was alright. Eventually his aunts would find him crying in door corners and keep silent.  I told him that if he wasn't comfortable talking to me, he can speak to his aunts and uncles instead.  It would still be alright.

Then the second child took me by surprise.  I asked him how he felt.  This 7 year old boy told me he was sad, but as things were as that, we would all have to accept it and move on along.  

And the last child listened, hugged me and changes the subject.  To think that she may not understand, she did.  She did so deeply that moved me.  There she would be keeping me strong.  She was my strength then as she is still now.  We would stand at the door waving to that different man I knew as my husband (then) time after time he packs his things to leave; with tears flowing down our cheeks without a sound and then hugging each other tightly when he goes out of sight.

I have not seen my husband for 11 hours at this time.  He has traveled back to his site project this morning just before I left for work.  And my heart tugged, missing him while having dinner.

For all the times I asked God to grant me:

"If it is written that I will be remarried again in the future, please grant me a man who is kind, the one who would love me entirely so much that he appreciates, accepts me as I am and one who will love my children as his own; along side he is able to perform himself as a good husband in Your eyes. And in kindness of his soul, I pray that I will serve well as his wife, as good as he treats me where I will love his soul entirely as You permit me."

I am thankful.  For the divorce.  For the kids.  For the understanding need for change.  For me.  He is the best husband for me.

Truth be told, some things need to be broken down before it can built again.

Thought by Itself

I forgot about how free I feel writing here.  So here goes.

From wearing the heart on sleeve and finger tips and eyes and swelling heart, period came sometime last night.  All for the rants' worth of it.  The period came.  But this is no sudden thing.  I am emotionally sensitive that no amount of period will make it different than days without blood pouring out of my vagina.  Okay.  I just sounded psychopathic worthy.  That's not good.

And after having mentioned of being a discard, her birthday is today - so yeay to halting self into a 15-minute passive aggressive composition attempt to wishing her happy birthday.  Okay, I lied.  The 20 seconds quick judgement just brought me from 1980s straight to right now.  So it was a lifetime's worthy of scan that brought to just a 'Happy Birthday and may you be blessed always'.  

Googled HERE

Okay now I feel bad because she responded praying the same for me.  And how does this make me feel like crap?  Complete turnover.  

Then in the mean time, I have gone off to poop, forgetting that I had eaten 1/3 tub of prunes and a mug of coffee (hence the pooping), cleaned the pantry sink, took warm water, then turned it into black coffee and list long of stuffs that was Googled randomly that brought me back to INFJ.

Oh how this personality discovery has opened me to embrace this.  I am not crazy!  I don't have any disorder.  I'm just 1-3% of the world's population!

"2. They respond to your emotions. INFJs may be great listeners, but no matter what you say to them, they are more apt to respond to your emotions than to your words. If you are going on about a problem in your life, your INFJ partner may not seem interested in offering a solution but will jump right into helping you process how you feel about the situation. What starts as a brainstorming event to you may quickly turn into what seems like a therapy session."

Excerpt from "Jennifer Soldner: 5 Signs You Are in a Relationship with an INFJ"

Yes, this could be the reason why many are intrigued about what I have to say.  They like the self-mystery.  But some won't do the work to mend their own floors, walls and windows of their own being.  They have to fix those things, because obviously it is not me who is living their lives.  No such thing to contracting others to do it for you.

And the brain jumps back to work.  The procrastination.  No - the little bit of diversion to gage a whole lot of concentration after this.

I sound sad.  Haha.

But at least now I'm laughing through it.

I am victorious.

...err... After allowing self to drop face down for 5 hours because the remote won't switch the TV on when I press the red button.

(Yeah, I am sad.)

Head Menopause

How long have I dwell in this feeling that the ones that I like, don't like me; whilst the ones I can't stand, just wants to stick like glue?

Intriguing how each time I do want to speak to her, I fear of rejection.  Shoved off.  Silence.  All those that makes you feel worthless.  The very thing that Scorpions are so good at.  That.  It's sad for me, just plain sad, at the same time.  I keep wondering what is it about this relationship that I'm still stuck on, like what am I looking forward to?  What is it that I hope from it?  What is that I expect from her?

Our lives are built differently.  I know that she is meant to help people with big emotional upheaval kind of thing, and she leaves when things are better.  That is the story of her life cycle.  She is meant to appear in your life to help you through roughness of life.  When I was going through crap of uber nastiness that turned my life upside down for an intense 3 years, it was so easy to see, go out and connect with her.  When things turned out for the better, we saw each other lesser and communicated lesser.  But then I seem to have begun offending her.  She stopped responding to my messages altogether.  She stopped liking anything I posted online.  And eventually, I did the same.  Just because I feel hurt and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  And she would know that and will not give you credit for it - because, why would she? 

But truth be told, I try to reconnect with her on many levels.  I tried so hard that I began overthinking and each time the attempts seem to have worsen whatever it was that we had.  

So, this evening, light heartedly I thought: 

Hey, I could tell her that I've discovered my 4-Letter personality that is intriguing for me, and it feels like home each time I get into articles about it.  And I'm just sharing it with you coz it's interesting and relateable with the stuffs that we talked about before.

I ended the text dismissing myself that I don't expect for her to respond the message.  Which is sad because I just realised that I had subconsciously done that to buffer my own heart from being hurt from being disengaged from her life.

Aih.  Now I really feel like some idiotic crap trying to have this split in between invisible, appearing, teleporting and leaping into a different time zone altogether.

I feel like crap now that I've lost it altogether.

The message when through with two green ticks but no response. 

(Pause)

I am crap.  So I shall lay on the ground and stay still until something happens to that would make me want to move or do something.