I wish I could tell you that you need to embrace all that is you, forgive you and the ones who surround you, accept them as something that you went through, let go and move on as easily as I said it. It is not. It is all the challenge.
Because the worst fight, facing the ugly truth and laying the final word that you say, would be with yourself.
Have not been best daughter.
Have not been best daughter-in-law.
Have not been best sister.
Have not been best mother.
Have not been best wife.
These are the ranks of how I truthfully feel in order of importance. The other day I was creeping out of the house for a smoke, and my mom heard the front door opened. She made all her way to the front with effort and I could see that smile on her face, thinking to be greeted by my brother; where instead she saw me with this horrific tongue out face that went "BAH!" to her. Immediately I went, "Oh dear God I have sinned" for being able to see that hurt across her face.
I keep myself to myself. Do not appreciate people who try to manipulate or try to hijack, have control over what is within my boundary line. No can do. And I have been flipping my flapjacks everywhere for the past one month. If only there is someone who can tell me what the heck is going on in me (but I think I do), tell me to stop being in denial and just start praying to God for some path to walk on.
Even days in the office has been pretty stupid for me. Just being there staring at the web and journaling in the many blogs, rereading them, stopping over randomness; juggling pages between web chats to the other and photos. I feel I have stuffs to do. But the factor of D(enial) is pretty thick that it is unbearable but nothing is done.
It is like, yearning for steak when you are too full to eat and then being indecisive on whether or not it something that you want or you need or maybe you are really full or maybe you can push some more in and then regret it later.
Seriously I have know idea on what I am talking about. Just being in absolute truth where in here is where I can truly strip myself and be one.
This is really a case of guilt with self.
Really need to get this done and over with.
