Flustered and frustrated.

I feel like the weight of the world is foggy. It's foggy everywhere. Flustered and frustrated. 

Literally feeling I'm at the edge of a cliff. Just waiting for an emotion to come, take a grasp of me, and tell me what it is so it can tell me where I need to go. Swim in the colourful emotions that smell of raspberry and bubblegum, streaking in rainbow stripes. 

My off days have been applied and cancelled for the past three weeks. Not that I wasn't allowed to leave office. More to I haven't been allowed to plan anything personal to take the leave for. We have been outnumbered by all other things which leaves us with lesser to spend on physical surrounding and actual time.

Here I am listening to the instrumental music on Spotify called The Last Hour of Loneliness by Elba (that I find the title is ironic). The commotion of sudden shifting of organisation that means shifting of people from different floors, just to make the beginning of the year ready for new year's work. I was also thrown into the commotion for no direct reason and then followed up about that, and about unrelated things with long rantings that just snapped a vein in my head just to hold my breath in.

I am of little patience right now. 

Gently reminded of the cousin I love. She came yesterday. And I now wonder if I too have bipolar. This sense of soft ground in cloudy gray with lights on the clouds by it's gray from where I sit. But mine has blotches of yellow, pink, purple blue lights that come through. Perhaps I'm not there where she is. It is just that I understand her.

I need cigarettes. 

Annoyed harassed feeling rant

I have an annoying younger office mate JJ who doesn't have imagination and is in awe with my personality LOL. She talks so much that it pressures me to just complete whatever she asks me to help her with, just to shut her up. Then after some sharing of interest, this old me is with a youthful streak, intrigues her as she has an older traditional taste and outlook. Occasionally she would harass me (at least it’s just me feeling like harassed) with photos of the youthful things I got myself that of course I would not want to share.

Seriously woman, I don't do clingy. I can help guide you, but please, I don't think I look a refrigerator for you to magnetize yourself onto me. It's a clear insult to my intelligence. Plus, no, I’m not sharing because I’m unique so you can go and find your own adjustments until you find yourself.

Note: On another incident a few years ago, I tried to help another colleague A, who was going through a rough time to build up her confidence. She ends up coming to work dressed as me for days. Other colleagues thought it was so hilarious that they called her my ‘protégé’. Pfffft.

Today at work, JJ kept calling me and when I returned her call immediately, she doesn’t pick up; which of course annoys the heck out of me. I door slammed her and said something to dismiss her when we bumped into each other. Of course now, I received an email to apologise if she has been on bad behaviour.

I have nothing else to feel but annoyance and therefore shall not respond to the email until I deem fit just because I can. Yes I’m sorry that you’ve just brought out the inner bitch that I so happily hide inside of me. The bad news is that I enjoy her being let loose outside of me too.