Muddled Puddles

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by love that you feel compelled to cry most of the time you're awake and while falling asleep? Am I that sick to begin with? Okay. I feel sick. About it. That is.

Truth be told, I know that God has given me this internal strength to withstand such relationship. The things He had me go through to make me realise how much stronger of a person I am. For me to appreciate me and to learn how to appreciate all the other things He has given and will eventually give later on.

Because of all that, I am grateful that I get to experience them all and thankful for all that I had to go through. And the same for the fact that I grasp onto the affection I have with my spouse. But somehow it gets bad when he is away.

You see, the last time I was married, I struggled with that distance and embraced abandonment as the years grew with three little children tagging along and me trying to make ends meet as he. So my mind gets all wonky and messed up with resentments that I took a toll onto me. In the end I shut down, he shuts down and have no arguments as we both just go on along trying to just get things done and over with.

Recently I just came across this saying of:

Relationships without arguments are relationships full of secrets

...where I went in such awe with an obvious, "No shit!" while reading those lines over and over again. Indeed it's true. We were both repressing our feelings.

This time around, the kids have grown so things are easier to get done. But not having him around gets me weepy. I go into rants and heartaches in texts with him. And he responds. And it brings us closer. Such joy through hurting. How ironic.

And I just missed him. I know I can't change circumstances. So I'll just wait and pray that he returns home safely back to me.

So this is good.

PS: I managed to get the weepiness under control. #FeelingThankfulForNoWeepiness

A Bit of Lag

Slightly lost and lagging behind life.  At least that's how I am feeling.

The things that I have done for myself and fallen ill for it.  Apparently I had been under so much stress that it induced me into Transient Ischemic Attack of mild stroke which brought my husband home from 3 hours away by flight just to be by my side.  I was grateful that he came home.  We had a chance to squabble and share the hospital bed together, with a more secure heart and without much sleep from the constant BP and temperature check every other hour.

And as I supposed to be working, I am finding this self-distraction into other things not really work related.  At least I am feeling normal now.  And having songs melting in my ears as I hum them along not knowing how loud I am sounding like to other people. I don't really care.

Only now, I am feeling anxious somehow.

A Silent Spectator

Life has been buzzing by as I sit there and stare on my outlook with eyes glazed.  Sometimes it feels that way.  Perhaps that stone feeling stays there 50 percent of the time.  Or I just feel that way inside as no smile freezes on my face.  

I have been feeling suspended in the air for the past week. Just suspended there.  And nothing else except darkness and what I saw were shades of darkness that looms in the eyesight.  How does it get to there?  I could not even phantom how my skeptical look sees and times out that way.  My father has always told me that I cannot work with other people as my idealism is such that it may not give frame for other people to work on.  Perhaps.  As in my eyes, there were so many chances given that people in the end, takes her for granted before she cracks.

How do I stop feeling like a life's spectator?  I zone in and out automatically. At least I do not do it most of the time as last.  Perhaps the frequency has reduced. And I check into reality more often. But somehow I find myself flailing when he is not by my side.  Like one side rear view mirror is missing so losing hold perspective sometimes happen.

This is the outlook for me today.

I do not need a physical hug from him.  But him telling me that he misses me, would make me feel balanced somehow.  Because I need a little balance today.