The Truth of the Day: How can you find yourself when you are in pieces everywhere?
During my journey of towards the divorce, too many things were happening that I could not understand, digest and feel. I hung my words for the wisdom of God. I held onto Him to get through the days. Indeed. I was praying so hard that my requests for clarity came to answer within 12 hours of my prayers.
Confident that I would be able to stay close to Him, I continued my best as I remarried to the man who left me.
Indeed, I have not been transparent to what happened that the relationship led to divorce. I did not think that it mattered. It was not any of anyone's business. I was healing as I got to day by day. I was hurting too. I cannot squeeze that out. But I learnt that it did not matter what others thought of me. Or what they intended to to do me. I was already out of the picture, so their cries for help too, did not matter to me. Meaningless. So I learnt to let go and forgave as the days pass.
I was not made out to be curvaceous. My bottom is plentiful but my top is meager. However, I managed to breastfeed all my children despite each time my milk pumping sessions only bring me to 2oz average each time. And the top still never grew, but they never dropped. I feel that I am a pretty boring person. Deep conversations do me good, but it is not always in the topic selection when you go for social gatherings; which is also why I keep myself away. Not that I hate people. I just cannot connect with them.
In the marriage that was lost, I lost myself even more. I am a simple person. I shop lightly. Supermarkets excite me. Gourmet food does the same. Green fields and wide open space delight me. Swings on trees do the same for me. But for everything else, I am a recluse for my own zone. I need to be within my own space to gather me.
Our lives were lived separated. From the beginning. He was always away for work. Months, weeks and days away from just me, then the kids as the years grew. We practiced that we should not bring upon 'real' feelings when speaking of family and friends from the beginning - only to speak of good, or do not speak of it at all. And I mend the fences. I kept mending fences. Keeping the home safe physically and emotionally. Until when we decided to move out of our parents' house. That was when I could not continue mending anymore.
Whenever I wanted to bring up about the broken fences, it was I in the end, who was not able to handle it. The same goes with the supervisor I had at work. I began to believe them. It was me who was broken. So I would go through the day and night just doing things expected without looking right or left like a bull working the paddy field. Just go ahead and move that heavy ass forward. I began to cloud my judgement. I began lose myself further from the identity torn from motherhood, wife at home and self; when all that is important in a healthy relationship is being yourself. I stopped talking. I stopped looking. I began to cloud my life's window grey. Myself was lost.
As stress surfaces, problems at the office began to erupt. Clearly I began to lose control of it and allowed continuous emotional bullying happen onto me. Everything became my fault for not managing them well; be it at home or at work. And I worked like a dog left broken with an empty bowl. Then berated at home for not being home to manage home.
I began to be short sighted. I became completely blind. And I continued to pile on weight from hormonal imbalance. The high blood pressure. The continued for real, mismanagement. Stress became this thing I had on my back like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and came depression. Silently, the idea of suicide became more attractive to art for me. My hormones became completely botched up that I was skipping months of menses. I became and felt further unattractive. Nothing fits anymore. I even resorted to wearing pregnancy fitted jeans in size L. I became further depressed. And sisters-in-law began to talk. I was not being the perfect Asian wife.
He began looking elsewhere, as his company secured another project 3 hours drive away from home. I knew of it. I was getting dreams ahead and had all that wifely instincts. I did not mind. I knew I was not enough for him.
On the pretext of moving in as a family, we moved back into our parents' house 'while waiting for the other house to be fixed'. So that was what I thought. Instead, he sold it within a month after getting to know one attractive mystical flying fox. He went and did not come back. I went looking and all hell broke lose. My heart was broken. The other family telling me to leave and tells me there is no other woman. They did not believe a word I said.
Then came letters from the court for divorce proceedings. Easily as how the papers came, we divorced. And a week later, he brought the other woman to his family home. All hell broke lose. I could not care less. Calls came in asking me to fix it. I told them that was not to be my fucking problem. He was no longer my husband. My concern would be solely for the safety of my children.
However, flying fox outplayed so well that no one even knew her real name. Many fell ill from her mysterious mystical chants. I had to be strong internally to be a protector. I had to protect myself to protect the kids. I tried to fix me to fix the situation. Honestly, it too much for me to fix within that span of time; but nothing like what God allowed to correct. And the fox was sent away.
I do not blame anything or anyone that the divorce happened. Truth be told, our marriage was in such a bad condition that it had to breakdown before it was built again. So many corners and edges and loopholes and potholes that needed fixing. I had to fix myself. And I actually found myself again in the process towards the divorce and after I became single again. I could hear myself speak and realize that I have to be my own best friend. I was able to move on my own accord. I would be solely responsible for what of the children will become. I AM MY OWN INITIATIVE.
Eventually when we were all fixed from foxy's mystical ways, everyone came to terms that we were divorced so just face it. It was hard on him, I knew. He had so much to fix and get over. No regrets over spilled milk. This period in life where you suddenly get cubed in alone and find yourself asking what actually just happened.
For a blur headed person like me, I began to believe in myself. Just being able to feel beautiful and putting it out in the open was something so awakening that I never felt free as I was ever. Period. I was getting my life in order. Sorted the office bullying. Got my own car. Sold food for a little extra income. Got the children into swimming. And I was getting my menses normally instead of skipping months. All this self confidence, this ownership of self, reminds herself of what she is worth.
I made a point to not make my ex-husband my enemy. I was often civilized with him. I listened, I spoke, and conversed. I reminded myself that he is free to be with whomever he wishes to as did I. Then speaking with him got easier. It was more direct and heartfelt. I had nothing to lose. He was no longer my husband. I felt freer going out with him and the children. He was more attentive to me. And I felt shy and out of place. It was funny. But the children were happy. They tried so hard to get us speak to each other and go out together. There were times that I would, then there were times that I would not.
I got a grip of me. But he too had to go through his hurdles. His were a lot more than anyone would be able figure out. Through this renewed friendship, we supported each other. And each time he had to go away, it was hard for all five of us.
Then one day, we sat and talked about the future. We spoke of hearts and truth. The truth was, I have always loved him. Each time that we met, it feels like the first time. But having to be this new person, I was able to manage my feelings and thankful for that. And a day at a time, it grew. He too learnt to speak of his emotions.
There are times when I feel lost again. But I take those as my own signals. If he has any temperament, I let it be. And if I have any, I let it lash onto him. Let him feel and absorb my feelings as I take his. That is the relationship that should be. Something that we never had. We never had what we have today.
So you see, each down fall will have a new beginning. The reasons that only God knows. And which I truly am thankful for. For now I know who are the people worth keeping in my life.
