Flustered and frustrated.

I feel like the weight of the world is foggy. It's foggy everywhere. Flustered and frustrated. 

Literally feeling I'm at the edge of a cliff. Just waiting for an emotion to come, take a grasp of me, and tell me what it is so it can tell me where I need to go. Swim in the colourful emotions that smell of raspberry and bubblegum, streaking in rainbow stripes. 

My off days have been applied and cancelled for the past three weeks. Not that I wasn't allowed to leave office. More to I haven't been allowed to plan anything personal to take the leave for. We have been outnumbered by all other things which leaves us with lesser to spend on physical surrounding and actual time.

Here I am listening to the instrumental music on Spotify called The Last Hour of Loneliness by Elba (that I find the title is ironic). The commotion of sudden shifting of organisation that means shifting of people from different floors, just to make the beginning of the year ready for new year's work. I was also thrown into the commotion for no direct reason and then followed up about that, and about unrelated things with long rantings that just snapped a vein in my head just to hold my breath in.

I am of little patience right now. 

Gently reminded of the cousin I love. She came yesterday. And I now wonder if I too have bipolar. This sense of soft ground in cloudy gray with lights on the clouds by it's gray from where I sit. But mine has blotches of yellow, pink, purple blue lights that come through. Perhaps I'm not there where she is. It is just that I understand her.

I need cigarettes. 

Crack

Have you ever felt so down that you crack a little, but not broken?

The sense of rejection that I hate.

How does this spin around? How dimensional my emotions can be to feed the need of my multiple blogs with multiple identity in full anonymity? Why is the need to multiple things when they cannot be maintained, but often sought back for solace? Why the questions? Just questionably me, the INFJ. It puts you off feeling not normal at one point. So this is the one point down.

This headache.
This no desire to push one's self.
This dallying of time.
This brain that has no connection.
This fogginess is relentless as it had been here for days.
This arching pain must stop.

I haven't been feeling so alone for a long time. The courage to push was greater when it was before. It feels like I am floating in water of a coven looking outward into the sun and greater water. I feel the sensation. Bobbing up and down in the sea. Fresh water it seems. Just that, nothing else.

Photo was Googled

The truth is...
I need space.
I am needing to run.
I need comfort.
I need appreciation.

So I will.

Low

I wonder if I will ever sync all the blogs I have to be one. It would be very daunting I think. Not think, I feel. For me. Because the emotional dimension will be in so many angles and seeing or feeling the structures and emotions of going forwards and backwards all at the same time... Further, for a total of many many years. So so so daunting.

Motivation is low. My mind is working slow pacing jog or more like walking. This morning stroll in park somewhere cold and dewy at this time of the morning. Just some where foreign. Being the one there instead of being the one constantly planning for someone else.

I do want to ignore some memories. I also realize that my way of thinking and analyzing now is more sporadic than ever and I don't care. I don't appreciate myself being stressed out for whatever reason just because I don't need to be and I don't deserve to stress over things. I'm still improving in that area.

There was a time I knew someone who is constantly happy and pleasant. Everyone wanted to be friends with me, just so they could be her friend. It was sad. For me. I couldn't define what was going on but it made me feel worthless that built resentment. Took me years to realize that I'm not ever meant to have many friends. I only saw it as a non-friend-able person. Unworthy. And I keep going back there to punish myself on being a quality friend and how to make people like you. In the end, I become self-centred because I had no one else to discuss about myself. So I'd out-speak about me with whoever I meet, making me even more self-centred. Because nobody cared about how I feel.

Wow. Writing this is painful.

Give me a papercup of hot coffee in my gloved hands. Let me breathe in the autumn air. Grace me a bench for me to sit in the the middle of park to watch the leaves go brown. I love my autumn coloured knee length leather boots. I look good in all olive and gracefulness of the browning leaves. I embrace the coming of September. Just close my eyes and feel the warmth of his face against mine. Feel the warmth of his hug on mine.

This feels secure. And happy. I like this. I like this very much.

Perspective of Home

This morning Phillip Phillips' song came on. I've always loved that song. It triggers the membrane for some awesome journey in life I had somehow. Telling wounded souls that they'll be fine and just bear with me so we can heal together. But then somewhere in the song, I felt broken.

Home, the title of this song, came into air in the late 2012 and early 2013. I was so hopeful to keep him in me. Him. The X. Then. Funny how after so many years all these memories still come to haunt me and make me feel broken like a wave hitting the rocks, and the rock that holds all the other rocks in the sea, breaks in the bottom. Yes, that is exactly how it feels. Broken beneath the sea. A place where no one can see or feel. 

I pushed myself to sing the song again, line by line. The crack ran deeper. I decide to stop the cracking and changed my own perspective. The song was about telling MYSELF to bring MYSELF home - which I did, and therefore blessed and thankful for.

Funny ain't it how smell, sight and sound can make or break your day? 

But then again, you too can make the change by turning into a different degree of your perspective. Only sometimes, you need time to gage and find ways how to bring yourself out of the waters. 

Funny too how in current times, nothing else is affected. It's just my brain calling. Emotional growth. Emotional range and understanding of how far I've expanded, experienced, learned, grown and healed.

Like how it is said, God will not test you for something you cannot carry.

It was never a lie.

The State of Being

Dear Self,

In the spirit of INFJ, I have shared my life's story with Ms Brown. The love, the loathing, the resentments that Ms Brown takes into her one by one.  She is one segmental chick whose brain is sorted out just like how I think.  Everything has to in precision, being practical, having space for possibilities; just like a woman who dons the white coat and sits in the lab, understanding possibilities to assimilate answers.

My spouse seems to be slowly assimilating me into his life as I slowly open up to the first few layers of who I am.  Truth be told, I don't ever know if anyone can really know or understand who I am until they are able to.  And I have no explanation to this statement. Although he tells me now I babble things that will stress me out.  And actually, no.  It's just simple stuffs that I kind of picked up along the way in those garbage bins in my head that seemed timely and appropriately just right to declutter.

Getting back to Ms Brown, she tells me how strong of a person she thought I was when I going through some troubled times.  In her eyes she saw me just placid and calm and I understood what everything meant.  And I thrived pacing into separation, while sitting in the court getting down with the divorce and being an independent person with three little kids.

Truth be told, no, I didn't know. But I understood my environment. And I knew him. I understood him.

Ms Brown said, she never did realize on understanding who her soon to be ex-spouse was. I cannot deny that I'm super complex.  But I saw a little boy in front of me.  I understood his intentions, his heart, his every core of being.

While sitting in court before the marriage was dissolved, I told him:

"You have always carried out what was expected of you. You have always tried to please people, and carry out what they want. You have done this all your life that you don't know what you need, what you want; for yourself. So go, I allow you to go, to be single and figure out what it is you need and have always wanted. Go explore and enjoy life. Be overly happy, and be overly hurt. Be on that journey to find out who you are. And if you're ready to come back, we'll talk about it when the time comes."

For me, it is possibly easy. For others, it may not. People are built differently. So much as such that I am able to think for other people, but I cannot think when the problem is immediately mine. 

It's just funny how life is.

And Dear Ms Brown, I have never received such big compliment before as you say all that you did with all sincerity and glassy eyes that you tried so hard to refrain from pouring. I have never in my life embraced this compliment and felt like I have made a difference and accomplished in life. It is an emotional growth. I know this sense of maturity is priceless. 

The Purpose

Truth be told that I have been feeling quite far from God.  I have not been praying and being thankful to what has been given for me to get through this life.  So this emptiness has been jostling my mind and messing up my heart.

So last night I prayed.  I asked for forgiveness and spoke to Him as a friend.  

I have lost the sense of purpose, the sense of wanting to make change and attending work willingly; how I used to love it although my working environment was breaking me bad.  I hope He would return back to me this sense of purpose.  This need for me to fix something.  Or to know that I have done something good to give out of myself.

Then call after call I received this morning.  These were calls of friends reaching the stage of divorce due in court next week.  I feel satisfied when I talk to them with a full heart.  Being able to empower and enable them to see the whole situation the other way round.  Learn to be independent and learn to be fearless.  

Less than an hour after, another called on a complicated beachy friendship issue and I approached the same way.  Leave it when it is toxic.  You don't need toxic waste in your bedroom.  Take it out.  Just trash it, and never to turn back.

While on the phone with the second call, I bumped into another person who is also undergoing the stages of separation whom I haven't seen for almost a month.  So I went up to see her through when I finished with the phone call.  

She is a beautiful person who has gone through a rough time.  Many times before, she couldn't understand what I tried to explain in the ways of the heart how it feels like being able to rely on your own self or going on a date with yourself.  And I am glad that she has been able to see what I have experienced as I grew out the separation stresses.  Now she tells me that she feels empowered with this: 

"To learn that I am the only person who can complete ME; and if another person comes by, it is only for he to complement ME!"

It is the most free feeling.  Fearless.  Beautiful.  Embrace.  Forgive.  Let go.  Resurface.

I personally love each and every one of your beautiful soul.  It takes courage to leave.  It takes courage to move forward.  It takes courage to embrace your own flaws.  This is the ultimate empowerment.  Especially when you are able to forgive yourself.

Simply, absolutely, beautiful.

This Flashback

I have been keeping myself in silo with close friends who end up listening to me vomit out my insecurities as I go through the days and feel nothing great I had done entirely throughout of it.  But the private sessions that I go about has been quite filling and great.  

Aside of the above, I have explored Wordpress for fun and found myself opening compulsively, yet another blog.  I have no idea why.  The compulsiveness and addiction to having so many.  I mean, I am aware that there so many dimensions to my feelings and the things I talk to myself about.  But after being able to identify my personality that I have struggled to understand for almost 40 years, it is just a celebration of embracing myself - yet again.

I can hear the kids screaming upstairs and me, not moving an inch of myself.  

This equation of self.  (Oh God, all that screaming of the kids!)

What I had wanted to write about was the memories that come flashing back to me.  

I remember the time during the divorce, when both he and I were in good terms after of it, the kids would sometimes come to me with the heads hung over my shoulders and thighs.  

"Mummy, we don't want you to be detached with Daddy anymore."

"Yes, Mummy, we don't want you to be broken with him."

"Please reassemble this relationship with him.  We love both of you."

Each time they say this, I felt grounded.  Not really sad, but I accepted what was fated.  I wasn't feeling angry or upset.  Just this corner the heart that rumples itself and hangs itself to dry as I tell them this:

"In our religion, divorce (in its easiest way) is said (decision) by the husband who says it with intent - then the marriage is broken.  It is he too who needs to say it with intent that he wants to denounce the divorce, not the wife (within the woman's 3 period cycle).  And it is too the one who has to say the words with intent to a marriage vow that the two combine.  At this point, it is not I who can decide for what you want.  Just ask from God of what you want and your need, and in time if it is the best thing for you, He will grant it for you.  If not, we accept that your father and I are no longer good to be husband and wife anymore - where we will remain as your parents and remain as friends with each other.  The only difference is we are no longer husband and wife."

And each time, they would keep their heads bowed down and relish my words to heart.  I am thankful that are emotionally matured although their ages then were 5, 7 and 10. 

On the day where I transparently told them that the divorce will happen, the eldest took flight when I asked him if he was alright. Eventually his aunts would find him crying in door corners and keep silent.  I told him that if he wasn't comfortable talking to me, he can speak to his aunts and uncles instead.  It would still be alright.

Then the second child took me by surprise.  I asked him how he felt.  This 7 year old boy told me he was sad, but as things were as that, we would all have to accept it and move on along.  

And the last child listened, hugged me and changes the subject.  To think that she may not understand, she did.  She did so deeply that moved me.  There she would be keeping me strong.  She was my strength then as she is still now.  We would stand at the door waving to that different man I knew as my husband (then) time after time he packs his things to leave; with tears flowing down our cheeks without a sound and then hugging each other tightly when he goes out of sight.

I have not seen my husband for 11 hours at this time.  He has traveled back to his site project this morning just before I left for work.  And my heart tugged, missing him while having dinner.

For all the times I asked God to grant me:

"If it is written that I will be remarried again in the future, please grant me a man who is kind, the one who would love me entirely so much that he appreciates, accepts me as I am and one who will love my children as his own; along side he is able to perform himself as a good husband in Your eyes. And in kindness of his soul, I pray that I will serve well as his wife, as good as he treats me where I will love his soul entirely as You permit me."

I am thankful.  For the divorce.  For the kids.  For the understanding need for change.  For me.  He is the best husband for me.

Truth be told, some things need to be broken down before it can built again.

Thought by Itself

I forgot about how free I feel writing here.  So here goes.

From wearing the heart on sleeve and finger tips and eyes and swelling heart, period came sometime last night.  All for the rants' worth of it.  The period came.  But this is no sudden thing.  I am emotionally sensitive that no amount of period will make it different than days without blood pouring out of my vagina.  Okay.  I just sounded psychopathic worthy.  That's not good.

And after having mentioned of being a discard, her birthday is today - so yeay to halting self into a 15-minute passive aggressive composition attempt to wishing her happy birthday.  Okay, I lied.  The 20 seconds quick judgement just brought me from 1980s straight to right now.  So it was a lifetime's worthy of scan that brought to just a 'Happy Birthday and may you be blessed always'.  

Googled HERE

Okay now I feel bad because she responded praying the same for me.  And how does this make me feel like crap?  Complete turnover.  

Then in the mean time, I have gone off to poop, forgetting that I had eaten 1/3 tub of prunes and a mug of coffee (hence the pooping), cleaned the pantry sink, took warm water, then turned it into black coffee and list long of stuffs that was Googled randomly that brought me back to INFJ.

Oh how this personality discovery has opened me to embrace this.  I am not crazy!  I don't have any disorder.  I'm just 1-3% of the world's population!

"2. They respond to your emotions. INFJs may be great listeners, but no matter what you say to them, they are more apt to respond to your emotions than to your words. If you are going on about a problem in your life, your INFJ partner may not seem interested in offering a solution but will jump right into helping you process how you feel about the situation. What starts as a brainstorming event to you may quickly turn into what seems like a therapy session."

Excerpt from "Jennifer Soldner: 5 Signs You Are in a Relationship with an INFJ"

Yes, this could be the reason why many are intrigued about what I have to say.  They like the self-mystery.  But some won't do the work to mend their own floors, walls and windows of their own being.  They have to fix those things, because obviously it is not me who is living their lives.  No such thing to contracting others to do it for you.

And the brain jumps back to work.  The procrastination.  No - the little bit of diversion to gage a whole lot of concentration after this.

I sound sad.  Haha.

But at least now I'm laughing through it.

I am victorious.

...err... After allowing self to drop face down for 5 hours because the remote won't switch the TV on when I press the red button.

(Yeah, I am sad.)

Head Menopause

How long have I dwell in this feeling that the ones that I like, don't like me; whilst the ones I can't stand, just wants to stick like glue?

Intriguing how each time I do want to speak to her, I fear of rejection.  Shoved off.  Silence.  All those that makes you feel worthless.  The very thing that Scorpions are so good at.  That.  It's sad for me, just plain sad, at the same time.  I keep wondering what is it about this relationship that I'm still stuck on, like what am I looking forward to?  What is it that I hope from it?  What is that I expect from her?

Our lives are built differently.  I know that she is meant to help people with big emotional upheaval kind of thing, and she leaves when things are better.  That is the story of her life cycle.  She is meant to appear in your life to help you through roughness of life.  When I was going through crap of uber nastiness that turned my life upside down for an intense 3 years, it was so easy to see, go out and connect with her.  When things turned out for the better, we saw each other lesser and communicated lesser.  But then I seem to have begun offending her.  She stopped responding to my messages altogether.  She stopped liking anything I posted online.  And eventually, I did the same.  Just because I feel hurt and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  And she would know that and will not give you credit for it - because, why would she? 

But truth be told, I try to reconnect with her on many levels.  I tried so hard that I began overthinking and each time the attempts seem to have worsen whatever it was that we had.  

So, this evening, light heartedly I thought: 

Hey, I could tell her that I've discovered my 4-Letter personality that is intriguing for me, and it feels like home each time I get into articles about it.  And I'm just sharing it with you coz it's interesting and relateable with the stuffs that we talked about before.

I ended the text dismissing myself that I don't expect for her to respond the message.  Which is sad because I just realised that I had subconsciously done that to buffer my own heart from being hurt from being disengaged from her life.

Aih.  Now I really feel like some idiotic crap trying to have this split in between invisible, appearing, teleporting and leaping into a different time zone altogether.

I feel like crap now that I've lost it altogether.

The message when through with two green ticks but no response. 

(Pause)

I am crap.  So I shall lay on the ground and stay still until something happens to that would make me want to move or do something.

A Little Dose of Life's Benadryl

I am, as person, like a dose of Benadryl.  It's either you get a strong dose of the medicine, the medicine is ignored or it will put you to sleep.

Yes, sincerely and truthfully, I am an extremely boring person.  I don't even post photos and write only when I feel like it.  And I actually have more than 3 blogs that is random to fit what I feel at that time of writing.  When I am almost pure to myself, I communicate in English.  Maybe that's why I am more direct as a person.  Like, if you are sick and just sitting there looking at me, I will offer you come medicine.  I give as you need.  But if you need higher dosage, I will increase it as it should.

But here's the thing.  Not everyone can see, face or understand what they think they are facing because judgement and own personal strength (weak or egoistic) clouds and overwhelms them.  So if the area is familiar, I will help to guide you.  But you will need to get through the stormy seas yourself.  Bikos no one else can do that for you.  The sea is your own emotions and the ship is your own being.

The ride will be rougher when you start complaining about the things that makes your ship rocky and start blaming everybody else on the weather, the rocks, the birds that poop on your ship among every other thing.  

Then I question:  

1. Do you want to get through this storm, or do you want to stay there and just blame everything else? 

My support: I listen, filter and sift through nonsense and shortcuts.  I will tell you what I assess through, quite straightforward.

2. Don't you want to see what is broken on your ship that is making you feel impaired to move?

My support: We approach it depending on your behavioural feedback. The more your struggle, the more direct my responses be.  We don't need laces and vibrant paint colours to fix the ship.  We need wood, panels, nails and hammers.  Nobody said this process is easy.  But I will help support you.

3. Let us identify what is broken and we get it fixed. 

My support: But I'm not on the ship.  You are.  I will help guide you so you know how to fix yourself the next time around and be proud of this knowledge. 

I am sorry that I'm not diplomatic.  Whenever I try, it becomes something else tiresome because it doesn't fix the problem.  It only buffers it and may divert to turn into another problem, or a whole length of it.

It takes years to undo self, and years to learn/implement new habits.  It takes a lot to ACCEPT and EMBRACE yourself.  To FORGIVE self, and accept your self-flaws.  To FORGIVE everyone else that has come across your path.  I never said this was an easy.  But you've got to stop blaming other people for your own life's failure.  You always have an option to get help.  But be sincere in wanting to change.  Identifying what to change.  And making effort to improve your life.

This is just how I feel.

This is just something from me.

If only some people are able to see the views of other people instead of blaming how wrong and negative people who are trying to help you.  

There is no such things as coincidence.  God puts the right people in your path, for you.

Much Needed Sanity

I realized that I was sinking my own ship into the shallow waters.  I tend to do that.  Getting overboard over nothing just because it feels vacant inside although it is not.  Senselessly telling myself that I am bored, with nothingness; when it is truly that I need to have some emotional turmoil to get me through the day to be able to feel something.  That was what I was accustomed to.  Being numb.

There are a few friends going through that - being numb.  But they are whiners.  They seem stuck.  But they too seem like they are not progressing.  However, I have decided to have no concern in them as they keep whining and do nothing about what bothers them.  It is their life to deal with.  It is not mine.  Until they decide about dealing with it, then it is another stage for them.

Weather has been bad here.  The haze is everywhere.  Schools closed with exams due in two weeks and unable to cover a few syllabus towards exam date.  It has been a month.  And kids with respiratory problems are advised to be home even when the schools are open.  I send them alternately.  Like two days, then break.  They need school.  But they also need to keep healthy.  Then again, the schools closing and opening are about that duration too.  No difference whatsoever then.

Work has been emotional.  I have been angry most of the time.  Yes, angry.  Angered by the complacency, no cooperation, no compassion, no sincerity, no transparency, no information, no information and no information.  

Today, I have decided to keep myself sane.  I do have a few datelines today.  Therefore I shall go now and make myself a cup of coffee, though still undecided to go black or play on with the 3-in-1 sachet.  Get something sweet, something savoury.  Oh I really wish I could get a cinnamon bun right now.  Or pastry oozing with cheese.  Or that ultimate lifesaving feeling for me - mixed salad rounded by feta cheese.  

My ultimate hotel getaway:  When the breakfast buffet serves a bunch of cheese, wholesome salad range, Italian dressing, olive oil, sausages, cold cuts and 'everything on it' omelet.  

I shall go away with my dirty cup now to the pantry, letting that salad drowned in feta cheese feeling remain in my throat.

Credit: Found on Google following this URL

Then probably continue with burying my feet beneath the sands as the waves brakes.  

Much need sanity.

Thank you.

Reality Bites in the Arse

Truth be told I woke up weaving in and out of sleep literally being awake and sleeping 20-30 minutes each time, throughout this morning.  So I developed a headache.  Or perhaps I was weaving sleep because I had headache.  

So I tried to take my time getting ready for work.  I bathed and cleaned every nook and cranny of by body.  Then looking at self, I actually attempted to come to work without bra on today.  Well, I put the bra-singlet thing on and felt comfortable in it.  But there was a "WTF?!" moment and so I came to the office in a proper bra on.

I am still having headaches through the morning.  It has been quite a stressful day that I have not been getting much done where instead I would weave through the internet for some self-distraction, which really does me a lot of good, actually.  Err.  At least that is what I think.  

And so.  Reality bites in the arse.  Sometimes, a certain scent, or feeling or moment would pull me back to where I was a few years ago.  This morning I drifted into the memory when he made arrangements for household packing for us to move back into my parents' - when he knew he had no intention of moving back with me and the kids.  And that piece of memory waved of as I said, "OK" and moved myself upstairs to get ready.  

I am at a better place now.

Although the arse is hurting again when I see faces of people who reminds me of the stuffs I need to get going today.  

Too many loads today.  And I am slowly putting my head back into my shell as I resist, tongue-biting myself, finger-restraining myself, from sincerely lashing back to these groups who are self-absorbed. I never get why some people just like stealing someone else's thunder and does it so without compassion.  So very self-absorbed.

Haih.

Another self-distraction, I found a mushroom soup recipe, Jamie Oliver style.  Reminds me when I my eldest was about 2 years old.  We went into the bookshop and I showed him Jamie's cooking book and went, "Look at Uncle Jamie!" and everyone around us went curious and kept looking back at us. It was unintentional for it to sound that way.  But I just referred to everyone one else as uncles and aunts with him.

Anyhoo...  Here is the link to MUSHROOM SOUP by Jamie Oliver.

Looks good ain't it?

Self Affair

This is one of the lowest points of my weeks. Aside of having waiting for my extremely delayed period due to PCOS, I have been extremely irritated to the fact that I have been moody and resenting this body.  Then finally the bad blood expels itself out recently to which I am absolutely grateful for, when I was away with my family for a short holiday.

On this day, I see pictures of me flying around in the Family Chat Group.  I am not photogenic.  Yes. I have always known that. But the weight and water retention that I had absorbed during this time while waiting for the period has given me an uglier face.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.

I makes me think why in the world did he remarry me?  How can you appreciate the woman who repeats herself the same through both marriages?  And absolutely, why do I do this to myself?  Do I really need to self-punish me this way?  

But seriously, I feel ugly inside out.

And I also hate this arrogant bastard in the office who is arrogant.  There are in fact, two of them.  

I may be going on this self-loath/hate/troubled feeling rampage throughout the day.  So I may as well just let myself vomit my feelings out in here.  

Can I cry now?

Stuck Sensation

I have no idea where I am at.  In the midst of documents to write, I begin to wonder if I am emotionally stable, or mentally stable, seeing that out of my head, I have family relatives who has bipolar.  Perhaps I was one but eventually found a grip to hold onto.

Feeling like where I was before.  Perhaps it is my greatest ability to clean up people's mess.  Or, make a mess and clean myself after it.  Some days I go home and I won't be able to tell what I have done all day.  Now, that sucks.  But when you think it over, it is more of trying but being stuck in process that it in a chain of other people in it.  Or, you not being able to communicate to bring it further in the day.  Or, you keep calling people to get it going and still end up stuck there with 3, 4 things to finish but damn, you are completely in a jam.

Right now in the zone of delivering a message of memorandum which has been changed 3 times over since yesterday.  Getting all documents ready to support it is even more taxing.  To close cases that has not been closed making me feel like some what insurance agent in the finance end.  What is this? Am I just droning my days in and out?

Just how I completely feel like being absent for a mindful rest when my child gets into the hospital, with the other two siblings falling sick around the same time.  How restful is that when you are on your own without other half?  Not to say that I am completely grateful for the support of family so close, but, you know what I mean.

If I could just doze off right now, I would probably wake up 5 hours later.  

I just need a beautiful beach with clear water.  Wind in my hair.  Good hawker food.  Alone time in the balcony corners of the room.  And some time banging by the window.  I do need that.  The banging.  But I am feeling unattractive with this bloat of body.  And hating my hair.  As well as all the body hair that do not need to exist.  

Photo Found by Google Search

Rest is peaceful when resting is with him.  

The Ignorance in Me

There is this pit of sadness in me.  Of how ignorant I had been onto my own child.

The changes I faces and the challenges that came with them made me lose out so much on my eldest child.  I had hoped for him to be able to manage himself.  But I had forgotten that he is still dependent on me.  And I expected him to go off all alone when it was he who needed me.  

So I went out with a friend I had not met over a year.  Left the kids at home and when I came back, homework was strewn from the bed down onto the floor with them half sleeping.  It felt like a wreck eyesight.  

I went through his books and found nothing in them.  In his bag was full of exam results with Cs all over.  Truthfully I do not expect much from results.  But I expected content in his exercise books.  All of them had titles but zero input.  They were either scribbles of no meaning or no presence of words, numbers or anything else to fill in between the lines of the books.  It made me feel empty. Speechless in my heart.  Speechless in my brain.  Speechless within myself entirely.

I keep telling him to not disappoint himself by his own actions i.e. not finishing homework and other things important.  But yet there I was gravely disappointed with myself.

Counting the days to the nationwide examination in his form in September, I know not what to do. This is too, a learning process for me.  So I shall take it one step at a time...

Credit: via Google Search

...by checking his bags on daily basis - whether or not I am up to it or not.

Finding Perspective

It is in the middle of the night and I am still awake. Found myself wasting minutes on cigarettes in small confined toilet that I call as my breathing space to so much of irony. I should quit. I feel like quitting but I get lonely. Another irony as I wanted breathing space to that.

I grew up trying to find myself. Never identified myself as beautiful. I know now that it was because I never really did embrace me. But being in that, I lived a totally blurred outlook. I am being transparent here. Completely. I get lost when people start talking. And with obvious reasons, it gets awkward with people.

On the day of my divorce, I came home feeling elated. I was relieved it was over. Spent months trying to figure where I and where it went wrong. Speaking with family who felt I should leave the marriage, that I was not good enough for they believed the stories that were told to them during that duration. Naturally I felt betrayed. 

For one family member who came by herself to see me, the second force to vote for it, shocked at the sight of me. I had grown thin from the miraculous extra 10 kgs I put on just one year before from the hormonal imbalance. I lost more than 15 kgs within 3 months. And I remember telling her this:

"I am glad it is over (the divorcing period). Why should I stay or fight over a man who does not love me? And I am thankful that I have come to terms with myself. At least finally I feel beautiful - as I never did."

She responded, "What do you mean? Are you telling me you never felt beautiful before this?"

I nodded my head. 

Truth be told, that was why I have always signed myself off with 'cute'. I felt dressing up was too much for me. Makeup was the same. Frustrated my circle of friends that I had lack of interest or did not see the need of it. 

I was finally settled with myself. Began to count back and be bold with myself. Identifying and acknowledging the things that I have done or achieved for myself and others. I also found a connection and need to be with people to help me as I help others in need of things or emotional nutrition. 

Such sorrow I carried myself in. That empty space and hole in my soul was what I was familiar with. I would be the one sulking at a corner (not that I was trying to as I appear to be sulking all the time) and perhaps draining others with their happiness. But I was attracted to lost souls. I knew of that as I was familiar with the emptiness in mine.

I forgave myself for what I have given or done was the best that I could think of or do at the time. And I still remember telling my husband then in the court when the judge asked us to have a moment to speak with each other before the he gave me away back to my parents.

"I seek you to forgive for all the things that you expected more or lesser than I was able to give, provide and nourish. Do allow all food, monetary and items that you have given and provided for me to be halal and in kindness. I forgive you the same for all that I expected more or lesser that you were able to provide me. And I am same for all the food and items that I have provided during our course of marriage. 

I allow you to let me go so that you can live a life single again. You have done so much for others. Sacrificed your years to provide other people's expectations that you were unable to fulfill or having the opportunity finding your own expectations. For you to do all the things you never got to do in your life. For you to learn new things and find your happiness. For you to find your destiny."

He choked a little when the judge asked if we dated before we married. We did. The judge resumed with that it is really, no excuse for you to say that you do not know who your spouse is and irreconcilable differences between husband and wife.  

When he took the vows to let me go, the whole court went silent. Funnily enough, I looked at him as the vows were drawn out from his mouth. I found myself smiling in unison of the farewell of our marriage. Then it was done.  I was single again in the eyes of God.  The same, in the eyes of the whole court members.  And I left the bench. Only to find his mom embracing mine as if I was her child being divorced from her husband. My mom had to pacify here. Too much of drama. But I felt free of letting go heartache, as well as someone and something that once meant so much to me.

I learnt to appreciate what I did for myself to putting myself forward. Spent many nights getting over it. The piercing lonely nights when all you need is someone holding you tight full of affection. I am blessed to have such good friends who just stood by me during that raging hours.  Their words drawn in in repetition night after night for me to realize my self-worth and keeping good pride.   

From all that I have learnt was, the marriage that we built came to such a bad condition that it had to breakdown. I became more silent towards the years as it crumbled. Shutting down was easier and it seemed necessary that I did more of then. I put myself away from all priorities as I put everyone up front. I became nothing and he became more and more controlling. I gave the power to him when I was the one manning the ship. I had always been the one wearing the pants but I wanted him to do it. The ship was wrecked.

Through the divorce, I found me again. I forgot how much I love shoes and the colour fuchsia. Dwell in late night coffee and indulged in conversations that I appreciate. I have always loved writing and emotions. I managed to clean myself up and appreciated more in clothes as I begin to lose more weight. And I began to love makeup. Feeling beautiful in my strikingly fuchsia Sephora lipstick. 

With this ownership, he began looking back at me to what I never allowed myself to become. I became more attractive as I began to reinstate or own the confidence that dwindled and exhausted throughout our marriage. I did not care about what he felt or saw, I only cared about me, my sanity and my kids.

Sometimes I would draw out about what I went through with people whom I call my friends. I am thankful as they say, I do not try to diminish my past; instead it was sharing of life's process. 

Too many times I went into depression. And too many times in the past that I carried disappointments that were not of mine onto myself. I learnt to let go. At one step at a time, I learnt to forgive. Then I learnt to pray the best for each one of them.  And I am thankful for that I have learnt through the harrowing experience God gave me. For after that, I found true love.

Truth be told, it feels like the first time every time I look at him. And truth be told, I am truly thankful for the wreckage that went away with my total unhappiness with it.  

Life's Initiative

The Truth of the Day: How can you find yourself when you are in pieces everywhere?

During my journey of towards the divorce, too many things were happening that I could not understand, digest and feel.  I hung my words for the wisdom of God.  I held onto Him to get through the days.  Indeed.  I was praying so hard that my requests for clarity came to answer within 12 hours of my prayers.  

Confident that I would be able to stay close to Him, I continued my best as I remarried to the man who left me.

Indeed, I have not been transparent to what happened that the relationship led to divorce.  I did not think that it mattered.  It was not any of anyone's business.  I was healing as I got to day by day.  I was hurting too.  I cannot squeeze that out.  But I learnt that it did not matter what others thought of me.  Or what they intended to to do me.  I was already out of the picture, so their cries for help too, did not matter to me. Meaningless.  So I learnt to let go and forgave as the days pass.

I was not made out to be curvaceous.  My bottom is plentiful but my top is meager.  However, I managed to breastfeed all my children despite each time my milk pumping sessions only bring me to 2oz average each time.  And the top still never grew, but they never dropped.  I feel that I am a pretty boring person.  Deep conversations do me good, but it is not always in the topic selection when you go for social gatherings; which is also why I keep myself away.  Not that I hate people.  I just cannot connect with them.

In the marriage that was lost, I lost myself even more.  I am a simple person.  I shop lightly.  Supermarkets excite me.  Gourmet food does the same.  Green fields and wide open space delight me.  Swings on trees do the same for me.  But for everything else, I am a recluse for my own zone.  I need to be within my own space to gather me.  

Our lives were lived separated.  From the beginning.  He was always away for work.  Months, weeks and days away from just me, then the kids as the years grew.  We practiced that we should not bring upon 'real' feelings when speaking of family and friends from the beginning - only to speak of good, or do not speak of it at all.  And I mend the fences.  I kept mending fences.  Keeping the home safe physically and emotionally.  Until when we decided to move out of our parents' house.  That was when I could not continue mending anymore.     

Whenever I wanted to bring up about the broken fences, it was I in the end, who was not able to handle it.  The same goes with the supervisor I had at work.  I began to believe them.  It was me who was broken.  So I would go through the day and night just doing things expected without looking right or left like a bull working the paddy field.  Just go ahead and move that heavy ass forward.  I began to cloud my judgement.  I began lose myself further from the identity torn from motherhood, wife at home and self; when all that is important in a healthy relationship is being yourself.  I stopped talking.  I stopped looking.  I began to cloud my life's window grey.  Myself was lost.

As stress surfaces, problems at the office began to erupt.  Clearly I began to lose control of it and allowed continuous emotional bullying happen onto me.  Everything became my fault for not managing them well; be it at home or at work.  And I worked like a dog left broken with an empty bowl.  Then berated at home for not being home to manage home.

I began to be short sighted.  I became completely blind.  And I continued to pile on weight from hormonal imbalance.  The high blood pressure.  The continued for real, mismanagement.  Stress became this thing I had on my back like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and came depression.  Silently, the idea of suicide became more attractive to art for me.  My hormones became completely botched up that I was skipping months of menses.  I became and felt further unattractive.  Nothing fits anymore.  I even resorted to wearing pregnancy fitted jeans in size L.  I became further depressed.  And sisters-in-law began to talk.  I was not being the perfect Asian wife.  

He began looking elsewhere, as his company secured another project 3 hours drive away from home. I knew of it.  I was getting dreams ahead and had all that wifely instincts.  I did not mind.  I knew I was not enough for him.

On the pretext of moving in as a family, we moved back into our parents' house 'while waiting for the other house to be fixed'.  So that was what I thought.  Instead, he sold it within a month after getting to know one attractive mystical flying fox.  He went and did not come back.  I went looking and all hell broke lose.  My heart was broken.  The other family telling me to leave and tells me there is no other woman.  They did not believe a word I said.

Then came letters from the court for divorce proceedings.  Easily as how the papers came, we divorced.  And a week later, he brought the other woman to his family home.  All hell broke lose.  I could not care less.  Calls came in asking me to fix it.  I told them that was not to be my fucking problem.  He was no longer my husband.  My concern would be solely for the safety of my children.

However, flying fox outplayed so well that no one even knew her real name.  Many fell ill from her mysterious mystical chants.  I had to be strong internally to be a protector.  I had to protect myself to protect the kids.  I tried to fix me to fix the situation.  Honestly, it too much for me to fix within that span of time; but nothing like what God allowed to correct.  And the fox was sent away.

I do not blame anything or anyone that the divorce happened.  Truth be told, our marriage was in such a bad condition that it had to breakdown before it was built again.  So many corners and edges and loopholes and potholes that needed fixing.  I had to fix myself.  And I actually found myself again in the process towards the divorce and after I became single again.  I could hear myself speak and realize that I have to be my own best friend.  I was able to move on my own accord.  I would be solely responsible for what of the children will become.  I AM MY OWN INITIATIVE.

Eventually when we were all fixed from foxy's mystical ways, everyone came to terms that we were divorced so just face it.  It was hard on him, I knew.  He had so much to fix and get over.  No regrets over spilled milk.  This period in life where you suddenly get cubed in alone and find yourself asking what actually just happened.

For a blur headed person like me, I began to believe in myself.  Just being able to feel beautiful and putting it out in the open was something so awakening that I never felt free as I was ever.  Period.  I was getting my life in order.  Sorted the office bullying.  Got my own car.  Sold food for a little extra income.  Got the children into swimming.  And I was getting my menses normally instead of skipping months.  All this self confidence, this ownership of self, reminds herself of what she is worth.

I made a point to not make my ex-husband my enemy.  I was often civilized with him.  I listened, I spoke, and conversed.  I reminded myself that he is free to be with whomever he wishes to as did I.  Then speaking with him got easier.  It was more direct and heartfelt.  I had nothing to lose.  He was no longer my husband.  I felt freer going out with him and the children.  He was more attentive to me.  And I felt shy and out of place.  It was funny.  But the children were happy.  They tried so hard to get us speak to each other and go out together.  There were times that I would, then there were times that I would not.

I got a grip of me.  But he too had to go through his hurdles.  His were a lot more than anyone would be able figure out.  Through this renewed friendship, we supported each other.  And each time he had to go away, it was hard for all five of us.  

Then one day, we sat and talked about the future.  We spoke of hearts and truth.  The truth was, I have always loved him.  Each time that we met, it feels like the first time.  But having to be this new person, I was able to manage my feelings and thankful for that.  And a day at a time, it grew.  He too learnt to speak of his emotions.

There are times when I feel lost again.  But I take those as my own signals.  If he has any temperament, I let it be.  And if I have any, I let it lash onto him.  Let him feel and absorb my feelings as I take his.  That is the relationship that should be.  Something that we never had.  We never had what we have today.

So you see, each down fall will have a new beginning.  The reasons that only God knows.  And which I truly am thankful for.  For now I know who are the people worth keeping in my life.

    

Understanding Depression

I have been going through emotions of late.  Self-imposed emotions.  I realize that I do that onto myself for no reason at all.  Perhaps to keep myself in check that I grow to accept and past them over time.

Depression.

Yesterday only I realized how too many times I wanted to be in the hole that I dug for myself to hide from the world and own insecurities.  I was trying to make of something so that a friend could understand that concept of depression.

I was not strong enough to stand up for myself.  For having raised with values as 'It's alright for others to do us, so long we don't do them onto them - just because we know better'; it proves that it can be damaging.  I then believed what others made me believe who I was.  Others' accusations of me became what they wanted me to be.  Berated, then punished in working conditions, I fell into it even more deeply that I put all happy away just because I feel I did not deserve them.  I was not allowed to.  I was someone else's punching bag.  And it was alright for others to do that onto me, so long I do not return the same to them - just because I know better.  But I lay lifeless falling into the bottomless pit as days go by.

From the office, I became and received the same at home.  Then it grew into the extended families. Losing self esteem even further.  I could not even take a photograph anymore.  I did not know what to focus.  How can you not photograph something?  Not even your own child?

No, I did not seek any professional help although I had a feeling that I was drowning in severe depression.  I begun to find suicide jumping off the bridge as something beautiful in the art of it.  I was numb and thought of slicing my arms open to see the blood flow, to acknowledge that myself was something living.  I just could not see that I was worth living for.  Wondering if anyone would notice at all if I was gone.  I felt that I did not matter.  But then again, I would probably make such a mess for getting myself sprawled somewhere and so that it would cause cleanup exhaustion for others; and I could not have that. I did not feel beautiful at all.  

The responses that I received from people around me varies.

1. Asking me why I had to be in that pit in the first place and telling me the world is a better place.

2. Berating me even more why I wanted to dig a deeper hole for myself.

3. Looking at me with that 'stop being absurd because this is sooo stupid'.

4. Walking away.

5. Just let me drawl.

Number 1

Asking how I put myself in there will make me dig further and close the hole up.  Telling me that the world is beautiful, would make me know the distance of your understanding to what I am feeling exactly.  The darkness and sallowness became much of a comfort.  I DID NOT want to be outside. The world is much, much safer inside the hole. 

Number 2

Berating will make me just stand there and listen to you, no longer caring of what you have to say about me because I do not exist.  After all that I have received, what else is new?  I ONLY deserve berating because I AM the receiving end of the wrath of every problem in the world.

Number 3

Giving me that look, will not make me blink an eye at you.  I would give you no reaction at all.  You would then be on my 'not reliable / the one who does not understand' list.  You will have no right/deserve to be near me within a 100-foot, more even to talk to me.

Number 4

No feeling for those who walk away.  Everyone has got their own worries and problems.  I would understand.  Because people just leave.  More over I will only drag them down with me.  And probably will make their own problems worse.  Just because 'I tend to do that to people, create problems for people'.  

Number 5

And those who let me drawl...  Then answering their questions so tactfully asked that I did not realize they were hopeful to make me talk.  With much patience, stood by me.  Listened to me to begin stepping out of numbness, to showing emotion of confusion, sadness, anger, frustration, sadness, ugly cry, acceptance, walking out of the hole and forgiving.

I kid you not that my friend, my rock, stood by me for almost 2 years just being my 'trash can'.  She stood by me and applauded each time I move a pebble, a shovel, a step, a climb and a swim.  She encourages self-celebration.  Each time, we would celebrate with Japanese Food and finish off with coffee.  She would spare 4 hours of her time each time we meet.  

Now that I am back onto my two feet, I see she goes further off to help another in need.  I feel blessed that I was allowed recovery through her.  And I hope she is blessed and will receive an abundance from the above.  He would know how to grant her for her good-doings.

I write this so that one understand what it is, how it feels like, and that we could get through it.  There is no ON/OFF switch.  To light a room, you need to choose the correct wiring, putting the wiring with the power supply in place, identifying the best place to put the lighting on thoroughly in the room, fitting in the switch; all are BEFORE you get to ON the lighting for the whole room.  The progress differs differently for each individual.

Just, try not to shoot a person down just because he/she is different.  Just try to see them in a different perspective.  Sometimes that is just something kind to do.