Sullen Week

My week has grown sullen.  Yet, today is the last day of the year.  I should be feeling thankful.  But I suppose the paleness of my face shows my amount of enthusiasm for it.  In fact, I am only in the mood of having 2 pieces of Roti Canai with Nescafe O Ais.  And maybe along with that drumstick fried chicken eaten with Sambal Belacan.  It works each time so far, so it should not go wrong this time around.

From my arrival back home from where I was, took a toll on my shoulder and neck.  The usual 3 hours became 5 hours.  It was raining non-stop along the way.  And there were so many accidents that happened ahead of the journey.  So finally I got to have a massage yesterday evening.  I just had to have one.  Because this pain, means it goes all the way down your back.  And there is a little relief, but it feels like it is curling its way up again.  

Truth be told.

I feel empty being in the workplace where I am.  The environment makes me be ultra defensive - not that I already come with that package.  It makes you become calculative - just because you have to or otherwise you will be stepped on.  I have had enough of that.  I know deep within that the previous division where I was, had extremely understanding staffs who knows how much work you have and will accommodate you and as you with them.  It was only the amount of workload, expectations with too many adhoc things that came together; on top of having one screaming Libra who has got control issues; that made broke me.  But coming to this place, there is no appreciation, and no feeling of worthiness to work together as team.  Aware that I am just being one of them, for the things that I had done wrong for not taking of myself (mentally and emotionally), then I must.  This is the extent of me being walked on.

So my sister got hitched a couple of days ago.  I still have not seen her.  Fell asleep when she came home.

Towards the weekend too, now that it will be new year tomorrow.  Self-doubting that I should be taking off on Friday.  This dragging sappy feeling is so heavy on me right now.  Well, I suppose it could be with what the nation is dealing with right now.  Rain has not stopped pouring all over.  And I think it is time for me to get the Roti Canai.

I deserve the little pick-me-up.

  

Smallness

I am 3-hours away from home. With bleeping headache after driving with the kids to the destination. And belly full after being overfed by the family who lives in the room below us.

Silently I am suffering from toothache. Every other part of the day, it will gnaw my gum and make my ear and head ache. Not that when I mention about it, anyone would care. But many seem to feel it as I post it on the social network status. If only there is any dental clinic that opens on Christmas.

No mood. Perhaps it is the toothache. Maybe I am feeling ill. But this overfed bloaty moody woman is not feeling right. She is being ignored and expected. Sacrificing the days that she could embrace to coffee with friends; yet she is here. However, her mood pours down south because she is feeling that she is pushing her friends away without her knowing; although she has not done anything. All of them are constantly occupied with something. And she feels rejection and smallness.

This is what gets to you. No mood means no sincere smile is available on my face. I keep cleaning up but it keeps getting messy. Packing for 4 and keeping it neat and then repacking - and ignored... I am OFFLINE.

'She envisions herself tucked safely in the belly comfort of the cafe. Warm mug of black coffee and a pack of cigarettes.

She takes a long drag as she pulls the book she bought for herself a week ago. Loosen her flats off, she lifts her legs onto the chair and she takes a sip of her coffee.'

There is no doubt that SHE, is feeling lonely. Especially when this woman is not getting the cigarette she asked from him just to soothe this uncomfortable belly down from all the spices.

I know so.

Funny how the hours spent in the office yesterday, felt like I was ready to leave. The feeling of separation. Goodbye. Perhaps I am dying.

But then again, maybe I AM about to get my menses. Just because I often feel like I am dying each time before I menstruate.

Life's Initiative

The Truth of the Day: How can you find yourself when you are in pieces everywhere?

During my journey of towards the divorce, too many things were happening that I could not understand, digest and feel.  I hung my words for the wisdom of God.  I held onto Him to get through the days.  Indeed.  I was praying so hard that my requests for clarity came to answer within 12 hours of my prayers.  

Confident that I would be able to stay close to Him, I continued my best as I remarried to the man who left me.

Indeed, I have not been transparent to what happened that the relationship led to divorce.  I did not think that it mattered.  It was not any of anyone's business.  I was healing as I got to day by day.  I was hurting too.  I cannot squeeze that out.  But I learnt that it did not matter what others thought of me.  Or what they intended to to do me.  I was already out of the picture, so their cries for help too, did not matter to me. Meaningless.  So I learnt to let go and forgave as the days pass.

I was not made out to be curvaceous.  My bottom is plentiful but my top is meager.  However, I managed to breastfeed all my children despite each time my milk pumping sessions only bring me to 2oz average each time.  And the top still never grew, but they never dropped.  I feel that I am a pretty boring person.  Deep conversations do me good, but it is not always in the topic selection when you go for social gatherings; which is also why I keep myself away.  Not that I hate people.  I just cannot connect with them.

In the marriage that was lost, I lost myself even more.  I am a simple person.  I shop lightly.  Supermarkets excite me.  Gourmet food does the same.  Green fields and wide open space delight me.  Swings on trees do the same for me.  But for everything else, I am a recluse for my own zone.  I need to be within my own space to gather me.  

Our lives were lived separated.  From the beginning.  He was always away for work.  Months, weeks and days away from just me, then the kids as the years grew.  We practiced that we should not bring upon 'real' feelings when speaking of family and friends from the beginning - only to speak of good, or do not speak of it at all.  And I mend the fences.  I kept mending fences.  Keeping the home safe physically and emotionally.  Until when we decided to move out of our parents' house.  That was when I could not continue mending anymore.     

Whenever I wanted to bring up about the broken fences, it was I in the end, who was not able to handle it.  The same goes with the supervisor I had at work.  I began to believe them.  It was me who was broken.  So I would go through the day and night just doing things expected without looking right or left like a bull working the paddy field.  Just go ahead and move that heavy ass forward.  I began to cloud my judgement.  I began lose myself further from the identity torn from motherhood, wife at home and self; when all that is important in a healthy relationship is being yourself.  I stopped talking.  I stopped looking.  I began to cloud my life's window grey.  Myself was lost.

As stress surfaces, problems at the office began to erupt.  Clearly I began to lose control of it and allowed continuous emotional bullying happen onto me.  Everything became my fault for not managing them well; be it at home or at work.  And I worked like a dog left broken with an empty bowl.  Then berated at home for not being home to manage home.

I began to be short sighted.  I became completely blind.  And I continued to pile on weight from hormonal imbalance.  The high blood pressure.  The continued for real, mismanagement.  Stress became this thing I had on my back like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and came depression.  Silently, the idea of suicide became more attractive to art for me.  My hormones became completely botched up that I was skipping months of menses.  I became and felt further unattractive.  Nothing fits anymore.  I even resorted to wearing pregnancy fitted jeans in size L.  I became further depressed.  And sisters-in-law began to talk.  I was not being the perfect Asian wife.  

He began looking elsewhere, as his company secured another project 3 hours drive away from home. I knew of it.  I was getting dreams ahead and had all that wifely instincts.  I did not mind.  I knew I was not enough for him.

On the pretext of moving in as a family, we moved back into our parents' house 'while waiting for the other house to be fixed'.  So that was what I thought.  Instead, he sold it within a month after getting to know one attractive mystical flying fox.  He went and did not come back.  I went looking and all hell broke lose.  My heart was broken.  The other family telling me to leave and tells me there is no other woman.  They did not believe a word I said.

Then came letters from the court for divorce proceedings.  Easily as how the papers came, we divorced.  And a week later, he brought the other woman to his family home.  All hell broke lose.  I could not care less.  Calls came in asking me to fix it.  I told them that was not to be my fucking problem.  He was no longer my husband.  My concern would be solely for the safety of my children.

However, flying fox outplayed so well that no one even knew her real name.  Many fell ill from her mysterious mystical chants.  I had to be strong internally to be a protector.  I had to protect myself to protect the kids.  I tried to fix me to fix the situation.  Honestly, it too much for me to fix within that span of time; but nothing like what God allowed to correct.  And the fox was sent away.

I do not blame anything or anyone that the divorce happened.  Truth be told, our marriage was in such a bad condition that it had to breakdown before it was built again.  So many corners and edges and loopholes and potholes that needed fixing.  I had to fix myself.  And I actually found myself again in the process towards the divorce and after I became single again.  I could hear myself speak and realize that I have to be my own best friend.  I was able to move on my own accord.  I would be solely responsible for what of the children will become.  I AM MY OWN INITIATIVE.

Eventually when we were all fixed from foxy's mystical ways, everyone came to terms that we were divorced so just face it.  It was hard on him, I knew.  He had so much to fix and get over.  No regrets over spilled milk.  This period in life where you suddenly get cubed in alone and find yourself asking what actually just happened.

For a blur headed person like me, I began to believe in myself.  Just being able to feel beautiful and putting it out in the open was something so awakening that I never felt free as I was ever.  Period.  I was getting my life in order.  Sorted the office bullying.  Got my own car.  Sold food for a little extra income.  Got the children into swimming.  And I was getting my menses normally instead of skipping months.  All this self confidence, this ownership of self, reminds herself of what she is worth.

I made a point to not make my ex-husband my enemy.  I was often civilized with him.  I listened, I spoke, and conversed.  I reminded myself that he is free to be with whomever he wishes to as did I.  Then speaking with him got easier.  It was more direct and heartfelt.  I had nothing to lose.  He was no longer my husband.  I felt freer going out with him and the children.  He was more attentive to me.  And I felt shy and out of place.  It was funny.  But the children were happy.  They tried so hard to get us speak to each other and go out together.  There were times that I would, then there were times that I would not.

I got a grip of me.  But he too had to go through his hurdles.  His were a lot more than anyone would be able figure out.  Through this renewed friendship, we supported each other.  And each time he had to go away, it was hard for all five of us.  

Then one day, we sat and talked about the future.  We spoke of hearts and truth.  The truth was, I have always loved him.  Each time that we met, it feels like the first time.  But having to be this new person, I was able to manage my feelings and thankful for that.  And a day at a time, it grew.  He too learnt to speak of his emotions.

There are times when I feel lost again.  But I take those as my own signals.  If he has any temperament, I let it be.  And if I have any, I let it lash onto him.  Let him feel and absorb my feelings as I take his.  That is the relationship that should be.  Something that we never had.  We never had what we have today.

So you see, each down fall will have a new beginning.  The reasons that only God knows.  And which I truly am thankful for.  For now I know who are the people worth keeping in my life.

    

Floating Picking

Feeling a bit off today.  Perhaps it is because of menstruation factors.  Not so much of wanting to be bitchy, or nasty, or upset.  Just more of floating about.

I just need a pick-me-up.

Yes.

He'll do fine.

Understanding Depression

I have been going through emotions of late.  Self-imposed emotions.  I realize that I do that onto myself for no reason at all.  Perhaps to keep myself in check that I grow to accept and past them over time.

Depression.

Yesterday only I realized how too many times I wanted to be in the hole that I dug for myself to hide from the world and own insecurities.  I was trying to make of something so that a friend could understand that concept of depression.

I was not strong enough to stand up for myself.  For having raised with values as 'It's alright for others to do us, so long we don't do them onto them - just because we know better'; it proves that it can be damaging.  I then believed what others made me believe who I was.  Others' accusations of me became what they wanted me to be.  Berated, then punished in working conditions, I fell into it even more deeply that I put all happy away just because I feel I did not deserve them.  I was not allowed to.  I was someone else's punching bag.  And it was alright for others to do that onto me, so long I do not return the same to them - just because I know better.  But I lay lifeless falling into the bottomless pit as days go by.

From the office, I became and received the same at home.  Then it grew into the extended families. Losing self esteem even further.  I could not even take a photograph anymore.  I did not know what to focus.  How can you not photograph something?  Not even your own child?

No, I did not seek any professional help although I had a feeling that I was drowning in severe depression.  I begun to find suicide jumping off the bridge as something beautiful in the art of it.  I was numb and thought of slicing my arms open to see the blood flow, to acknowledge that myself was something living.  I just could not see that I was worth living for.  Wondering if anyone would notice at all if I was gone.  I felt that I did not matter.  But then again, I would probably make such a mess for getting myself sprawled somewhere and so that it would cause cleanup exhaustion for others; and I could not have that. I did not feel beautiful at all.  

The responses that I received from people around me varies.

1. Asking me why I had to be in that pit in the first place and telling me the world is a better place.

2. Berating me even more why I wanted to dig a deeper hole for myself.

3. Looking at me with that 'stop being absurd because this is sooo stupid'.

4. Walking away.

5. Just let me drawl.

Number 1

Asking how I put myself in there will make me dig further and close the hole up.  Telling me that the world is beautiful, would make me know the distance of your understanding to what I am feeling exactly.  The darkness and sallowness became much of a comfort.  I DID NOT want to be outside. The world is much, much safer inside the hole. 

Number 2

Berating will make me just stand there and listen to you, no longer caring of what you have to say about me because I do not exist.  After all that I have received, what else is new?  I ONLY deserve berating because I AM the receiving end of the wrath of every problem in the world.

Number 3

Giving me that look, will not make me blink an eye at you.  I would give you no reaction at all.  You would then be on my 'not reliable / the one who does not understand' list.  You will have no right/deserve to be near me within a 100-foot, more even to talk to me.

Number 4

No feeling for those who walk away.  Everyone has got their own worries and problems.  I would understand.  Because people just leave.  More over I will only drag them down with me.  And probably will make their own problems worse.  Just because 'I tend to do that to people, create problems for people'.  

Number 5

And those who let me drawl...  Then answering their questions so tactfully asked that I did not realize they were hopeful to make me talk.  With much patience, stood by me.  Listened to me to begin stepping out of numbness, to showing emotion of confusion, sadness, anger, frustration, sadness, ugly cry, acceptance, walking out of the hole and forgiving.

I kid you not that my friend, my rock, stood by me for almost 2 years just being my 'trash can'.  She stood by me and applauded each time I move a pebble, a shovel, a step, a climb and a swim.  She encourages self-celebration.  Each time, we would celebrate with Japanese Food and finish off with coffee.  She would spare 4 hours of her time each time we meet.  

Now that I am back onto my two feet, I see she goes further off to help another in need.  I feel blessed that I was allowed recovery through her.  And I hope she is blessed and will receive an abundance from the above.  He would know how to grant her for her good-doings.

I write this so that one understand what it is, how it feels like, and that we could get through it.  There is no ON/OFF switch.  To light a room, you need to choose the correct wiring, putting the wiring with the power supply in place, identifying the best place to put the lighting on thoroughly in the room, fitting in the switch; all are BEFORE you get to ON the lighting for the whole room.  The progress differs differently for each individual.

Just, try not to shoot a person down just because he/she is different.  Just try to see them in a different perspective.  Sometimes that is just something kind to do.

Identify You with Hashtags

Two sachets of coffee.  In one go.  Bloaty stomach is the way to go.  Feeling depressed without actually being depressed and feeling repressed of tiredness, if it made any sense at all.

I sat through a conversation with a friend today just revisiting what divorce was.  Although my separation span was quite fast before we remarried as compared to others, the hurt feels the same.    Some endure the taboo beatings, emotional bullying and blackmail.  I am lucky that I did not go through physical abuse.  Though, I do know a few friends who have been or still are in that type of relationship.  That disappointment for them is even more to endure.  So let us just pray that God keeps all women safe from harm.

The failing relationship factor is a process for you to learn.  Do bear with me.  It is the downfall that is meant for you to go through to be a better and more resilient person, all that requires self-assessment and learning.  To identify the cycle and break the cycle.

You see, our lives are constant to copy of what we see, what was familiar to us when growing up and yes, partially 'genetically incline' feeling to leading the lives of our own.  Some learn fast, and some, like me, just need time to realize it, identify it and change it.  

Just sit back and realize the relationship pattern for your parents, immediate family and find your similarity.  Then realize what it is that is similar in your life.  Look at the good pattern and the bad pattern.  Identify and let it seep through your skin and bones and be ready for the ride as it will be both scary, painful and invigorating at the same time.  This would be when your self-worth process will take place.  Also, this is the time that you will find out who is your friend for life.  Identify that one support buddy (be it a person, support group, personal journal, own no self identification blog to just let it out to the world [like you just don't care] etc) and work along it.  

No pressure here when you get to it.  No time limit.  No waste of time.  

You will find yourself remembering how you LOVED (past-tense) shoes, or the colour purple, or that you love pink petunia...  Or how far you wanted to travel.  

And I need to revisit mine.  I am hashtagging self as #selfopressed for no apparent reason.

#safetyforwomeninrelationship

#feelingbloaty

#breakthecycle

#onestepatatime

#timetoloveyourself

Hashtagging is being able to identify what you want to identify.  Identify you.

This Too Shall Pass

My stomach feels icky.  Probably I had too many icks this morning.  Too much that my mood swings south and perhaps that could be the reason why I am eyelids are getting heavy.

Okay, here is one truth of the day:

Life gets easier when you are able to let go of the pass.  To let go, requires a process.  To process is being able to adapt.  So it will take time.  It will require inner strength.  But it will free you.  You will know this when you get there.
Just learn to love yourself more. 

And the truth is visible for me today.  I can see my stomach bloating of air.  Wonder why I am not up there flying like a hot air balloon right now.  Ugh.

Sunlight City of Impeccable Sweet and Horror

It is Tuesday morning in sunlight city of impeccable sweet and horror.  This is not usually the case but it just feels this way this morning.  

Have you had time being stuck with stubborn people who also choose to be ignorant at the same time?  The same, having to be in the environment where people talk without having their sentences finish and expect others to understand (which amazingly is understandable; but maybe I am so smart that I get to finish their sentences for them); that goes beyond sentences.  This means having their actions and executions the same cliff hanger drop as they speak.  ...while the other wait for them to fall out... *crick crick crick*

So okay.  Fine if you want to do all that.  But not when making an appointment please...  And double calling people?  Like, if the communication is that you both will be in touch again within 15 minutes to see if both schedules can be adjusted to match, somebody who was there when I called the other party, calls the other party again within that 15 minutes' duration without me knowing.  And then when following up the earlier call, you are told that it has been adjusted and conveyed to the person who made the secret call to that person - you are not told by that freaky shadow of who-you-not-know-of.  Why?  

Yes.  I am frustrated at this point of time.  I am also tired most of the time.  Physically tired.  In the end, TV seems more enticing than affectionate intercourse.  Which has been happening.  Quite frequently.  

So that is what is current: All talk but crappy actions and reception.  

Can someone please press the irk siren button?

#majorirk

  

Evening Nuances

In the mood for nuances.

Okay.

Confession: I am not sure what nuances mean.  Haha.

nuanceˈnjuːɑːns/
nounplural noun: nuances1.
a subtle difference in or shade of meaning, expression, or sound.
"he was familiar with the nuances of the local dialect"

synonyms:

fine distinction, subtle distinction/difference, shade, shading,gradation, variation,       modulation, degree; More

verb3rd person present: nuances1.
give nuances to.
"the effect of the music is nuanced by the social situation of listeners"

Here is the thing for me.  Words feel through me as it should sound.  So this is so relevant to wanting to speak of nuances.  Just bear with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After sitting down several hours to speak with a friend, the sudden realization fell through.  Only it is not the time of the day to fall deeply into speech as my first entry.  That, I could go on and on with analytic assessments and examples that will put either you or me into perfect confusion of feel or just total pure confusion.

It rained again this evening.  Apologize by One Republic seeps through the air.  My mood has flipped.  After a whole day through, it is this evening that I realized that the ringtone of my phone has been off and so there were a list of unanswered calls from God knows who.

And so it is the end of the day for me.

The Separation of Past, Present and Future

What is it about truth that is so compelling to the human heart?  Sincerity, compassion, full of emotion.  Some want to seek human touch.  And then there are some who lacks all of the above and feasts on other people's agony.

 

So here goes... 

 

I am a mom of three.  Fell in love.  Got married.  Got divorced.  Remarried.  Owned a few blogs.  Shut them down.  Still maintain them for the sake of my own sanity and keepsake.  And now this. 

 

When the divorce happened, many were curious at that standing fact.  But no one came asking.  I didn't bother telling.  Why need to expose your wound, when you are so hurt that you cannot take care of yourself and when you still need to take care of children that God has given you?  How is that? 

 

Some tried to pry but I shut them down just because they don't deserve to know, and they too know that.  Some kept coming with a distance.  But, they still don't deserve to know.  And the thing is, it was most intriguing because we were from the same school and still live in the same town. 

 

Divorce is never easy.  Some would begin faulting him or her or the other her or the other him.  Stop insinuating, or coming up with some reason or excuse.  No truth would come out of it unless that person is really sincere and truthful enough to clean up his or her mess.  And having just anybody who was never in the situation, or come to stand within themselves, to tell you what to do; will not be a clever thing to do.  You might get into deeper trouble.

 

Here is the plain truth: 

 

Divorce isn't just separating boxes and furniture; it is a separation of past, current and future dreams that you shared with your spouse.  More even, your own children.

 

It is so dense that you cannot stomach it.  You are swirled in a typhoon of emotions and if you don't stay still for a minute, you will not be able to find your bearing.  You will not know where to hold on to.  You may lose focus and lose yourself completely.

 

This is where when people will begin to judge you.  All words will not help.  You will lay helpless there.  Not knowing what to do next.  And you will soon realize that your attempts for some truth to cling on, are all fake pretense that people extend to you. 

 

Yes, the world is full of fake people.  This is when you know who your true friends are.  You will live in a whirlpool until you are pushed to take steps that you don't know how it will benefit you, but you just do it anyways - You will be jumping without a net.  Just because you don't have a choice.  And this will apply in most major things that you do.  Your every move will be more immaculate when it comes to making decisions for child/children and what you can do to provide them education, trips and simple pleasures; just because you can't afford to.

 

I was quite transparent with mine.  My approach was to tell them that their dad isn't coming back.  Reassured them that we both still love them, only one party fell out of love from each other.  No matter what was lost, that we still had each other; as a whole unit, minus the dad.  And how each weekend, they will spend time with him because he loves them that much that they all deserve time with each other; and that of he will always be their father, the same how they will always be his children.

 

Yes, I have to admit that the truth hurts. 

 

In fact, it hurt everybody in the household and its exterior.  More than ever before. 

 

Each day I tell the children that they are important in many different ways.  Send/pick them to/from school when I could, even when I didn't have time for myself each day.  Stare at them when they are asleep.  Went crazy by myself afterwards drowning in my own emotions, trying to find strength where I lost or misplaced them.  Went to work half asleep.  Going to work with 1-2 hours of sleep was not uncommon for me at the time.  It wasn't an easy time for me or for those who knew and saw what I was turning myself into.  But I had so much support from simple individuals that I feel very blessed throughout the ordeal.

 

Then I learnt to speak.