This Flashback

I have been keeping myself in silo with close friends who end up listening to me vomit out my insecurities as I go through the days and feel nothing great I had done entirely throughout of it.  But the private sessions that I go about has been quite filling and great.  

Aside of the above, I have explored Wordpress for fun and found myself opening compulsively, yet another blog.  I have no idea why.  The compulsiveness and addiction to having so many.  I mean, I am aware that there so many dimensions to my feelings and the things I talk to myself about.  But after being able to identify my personality that I have struggled to understand for almost 40 years, it is just a celebration of embracing myself - yet again.

I can hear the kids screaming upstairs and me, not moving an inch of myself.  

This equation of self.  (Oh God, all that screaming of the kids!)

What I had wanted to write about was the memories that come flashing back to me.  

I remember the time during the divorce, when both he and I were in good terms after of it, the kids would sometimes come to me with the heads hung over my shoulders and thighs.  

"Mummy, we don't want you to be detached with Daddy anymore."

"Yes, Mummy, we don't want you to be broken with him."

"Please reassemble this relationship with him.  We love both of you."

Each time they say this, I felt grounded.  Not really sad, but I accepted what was fated.  I wasn't feeling angry or upset.  Just this corner the heart that rumples itself and hangs itself to dry as I tell them this:

"In our religion, divorce (in its easiest way) is said (decision) by the husband who says it with intent - then the marriage is broken.  It is he too who needs to say it with intent that he wants to denounce the divorce, not the wife (within the woman's 3 period cycle).  And it is too the one who has to say the words with intent to a marriage vow that the two combine.  At this point, it is not I who can decide for what you want.  Just ask from God of what you want and your need, and in time if it is the best thing for you, He will grant it for you.  If not, we accept that your father and I are no longer good to be husband and wife anymore - where we will remain as your parents and remain as friends with each other.  The only difference is we are no longer husband and wife."

And each time, they would keep their heads bowed down and relish my words to heart.  I am thankful that are emotionally matured although their ages then were 5, 7 and 10. 

On the day where I transparently told them that the divorce will happen, the eldest took flight when I asked him if he was alright. Eventually his aunts would find him crying in door corners and keep silent.  I told him that if he wasn't comfortable talking to me, he can speak to his aunts and uncles instead.  It would still be alright.

Then the second child took me by surprise.  I asked him how he felt.  This 7 year old boy told me he was sad, but as things were as that, we would all have to accept it and move on along.  

And the last child listened, hugged me and changes the subject.  To think that she may not understand, she did.  She did so deeply that moved me.  There she would be keeping me strong.  She was my strength then as she is still now.  We would stand at the door waving to that different man I knew as my husband (then) time after time he packs his things to leave; with tears flowing down our cheeks without a sound and then hugging each other tightly when he goes out of sight.

I have not seen my husband for 11 hours at this time.  He has traveled back to his site project this morning just before I left for work.  And my heart tugged, missing him while having dinner.

For all the times I asked God to grant me:

"If it is written that I will be remarried again in the future, please grant me a man who is kind, the one who would love me entirely so much that he appreciates, accepts me as I am and one who will love my children as his own; along side he is able to perform himself as a good husband in Your eyes. And in kindness of his soul, I pray that I will serve well as his wife, as good as he treats me where I will love his soul entirely as You permit me."

I am thankful.  For the divorce.  For the kids.  For the understanding need for change.  For me.  He is the best husband for me.

Truth be told, some things need to be broken down before it can built again.

The Silent Hurt

I have been running with memories of late.  Memories that run like slow lava across the cracks of my heart.  Maybe it pours to heal, to show the distance of how far I am now than I was before.

These memories float in as they please.

How when they dress differently can cause deep hurt inside of you.  They no longer appear to how you know them.  Even the glimmer in their eyes don't shine the same.  The cockiness or aura defies all the years of courting and marriage that you have known them.  And this person standing before you to pick up the kids you both made, is completely a whole other person that deletes all the things you know him by heart.

Lost were the days when he lets you stare at his profile and drink in the sensation of his skin.  The one who used to hate it when you try to show affection but you know that he needs.  The person of principle and knew means around only what we could only afford.  

Then looking down at my feet.  I silently felt poor in the material things that I own, while he stood there feeling full of himself.  

But what hurt more was this bitterness of how quickly you lost the person you knew for over 10 years.  No longer appear the same.  No longer smell the same.  No longer feel the same.  No longer have the same core of a person you knew by heart.

That was one of the moments that hurt. 

The silent hurt.

But I lived through it.  And rejoiced with the man who changed.  

Stuck Sensation

I have no idea where I am at.  In the midst of documents to write, I begin to wonder if I am emotionally stable, or mentally stable, seeing that out of my head, I have family relatives who has bipolar.  Perhaps I was one but eventually found a grip to hold onto.

Feeling like where I was before.  Perhaps it is my greatest ability to clean up people's mess.  Or, make a mess and clean myself after it.  Some days I go home and I won't be able to tell what I have done all day.  Now, that sucks.  But when you think it over, it is more of trying but being stuck in process that it in a chain of other people in it.  Or, you not being able to communicate to bring it further in the day.  Or, you keep calling people to get it going and still end up stuck there with 3, 4 things to finish but damn, you are completely in a jam.

Right now in the zone of delivering a message of memorandum which has been changed 3 times over since yesterday.  Getting all documents ready to support it is even more taxing.  To close cases that has not been closed making me feel like some what insurance agent in the finance end.  What is this? Am I just droning my days in and out?

Just how I completely feel like being absent for a mindful rest when my child gets into the hospital, with the other two siblings falling sick around the same time.  How restful is that when you are on your own without other half?  Not to say that I am completely grateful for the support of family so close, but, you know what I mean.

If I could just doze off right now, I would probably wake up 5 hours later.  

I just need a beautiful beach with clear water.  Wind in my hair.  Good hawker food.  Alone time in the balcony corners of the room.  And some time banging by the window.  I do need that.  The banging.  But I am feeling unattractive with this bloat of body.  And hating my hair.  As well as all the body hair that do not need to exist.  

Photo Found by Google Search

Rest is peaceful when resting is with him.  

The Ignorance in Me

There is this pit of sadness in me.  Of how ignorant I had been onto my own child.

The changes I faces and the challenges that came with them made me lose out so much on my eldest child.  I had hoped for him to be able to manage himself.  But I had forgotten that he is still dependent on me.  And I expected him to go off all alone when it was he who needed me.  

So I went out with a friend I had not met over a year.  Left the kids at home and when I came back, homework was strewn from the bed down onto the floor with them half sleeping.  It felt like a wreck eyesight.  

I went through his books and found nothing in them.  In his bag was full of exam results with Cs all over.  Truthfully I do not expect much from results.  But I expected content in his exercise books.  All of them had titles but zero input.  They were either scribbles of no meaning or no presence of words, numbers or anything else to fill in between the lines of the books.  It made me feel empty. Speechless in my heart.  Speechless in my brain.  Speechless within myself entirely.

I keep telling him to not disappoint himself by his own actions i.e. not finishing homework and other things important.  But yet there I was gravely disappointed with myself.

Counting the days to the nationwide examination in his form in September, I know not what to do. This is too, a learning process for me.  So I shall take it one step at a time...

Credit: via Google Search

...by checking his bags on daily basis - whether or not I am up to it or not.

The Sidecar of Life

Googled

The school has reopened in the part of the continent.  And all three children of mine are officially off into real school from this year onward.  I have no idea if it makes me feel old.  I do not feel it so.  Just a sense of longing for the baby-ness that has gone with them growing up.  It is just that looking at other new, fresh smelling child makes me feel that that part of my life has pass.  

Changes in life is good.  So many are asking for more produce from me.  It is alright that I have decided so although babies are nice, but I am letting my husband be my baby now.  I can travel and date him without worrying about the kids when we do.  And that would be my copy paste answer to anyone asking.

During that first few years in life, I was breeding, packing, unloading, breastfeeding and cleaning.  I did not get to concentrate on me or the relationship in my marriage.  Like any other mother, you soon lose the factor of knowing what you like or even what you would like; and sex seems to fizzle out as you ironically spray breast milk all over when you have orgasm while doing it.

Having gone through the changes in my life, I feel that it is time for me to continue this quest of fulfilling self.  I do want to know what I like, what I want to discover, where I want to go, what I want to do.  And I want to experience all this with my spouse, whom would be on the one riding the motorcycle as I sit in the sidecar just discovering the open road.  Let me be free with my emotions and surprise myself (as well as he) with them each time.

I am open with him now.  Even when we squabble, I would answer now openly.  Somehow delighted that he responds to them and then we crack up in laughter; or the silent treatments that usually will not last long (unlike before).  I do not hold a grudge (or perhaps because I know God will show him to it.  Hahaha.  It has happened several times now) like how I used to.  And truthfully, it is easier to live life by letting the grudges just go.  

God put me through a year of it.  Many others go through years of it, perhaps most of their life.  This I know.  But I am thankful that He wanted to teach me lessons that I could not have learnt by myself, even by observation - Letting go.  Clearing my emotions.  To communicate what I emote.  To break down my walls.  To be free.  And most of all, to be thankful.  

Truly, I am thankful.

   

Life's Initiative

The Truth of the Day: How can you find yourself when you are in pieces everywhere?

During my journey of towards the divorce, too many things were happening that I could not understand, digest and feel.  I hung my words for the wisdom of God.  I held onto Him to get through the days.  Indeed.  I was praying so hard that my requests for clarity came to answer within 12 hours of my prayers.  

Confident that I would be able to stay close to Him, I continued my best as I remarried to the man who left me.

Indeed, I have not been transparent to what happened that the relationship led to divorce.  I did not think that it mattered.  It was not any of anyone's business.  I was healing as I got to day by day.  I was hurting too.  I cannot squeeze that out.  But I learnt that it did not matter what others thought of me.  Or what they intended to to do me.  I was already out of the picture, so their cries for help too, did not matter to me. Meaningless.  So I learnt to let go and forgave as the days pass.

I was not made out to be curvaceous.  My bottom is plentiful but my top is meager.  However, I managed to breastfeed all my children despite each time my milk pumping sessions only bring me to 2oz average each time.  And the top still never grew, but they never dropped.  I feel that I am a pretty boring person.  Deep conversations do me good, but it is not always in the topic selection when you go for social gatherings; which is also why I keep myself away.  Not that I hate people.  I just cannot connect with them.

In the marriage that was lost, I lost myself even more.  I am a simple person.  I shop lightly.  Supermarkets excite me.  Gourmet food does the same.  Green fields and wide open space delight me.  Swings on trees do the same for me.  But for everything else, I am a recluse for my own zone.  I need to be within my own space to gather me.  

Our lives were lived separated.  From the beginning.  He was always away for work.  Months, weeks and days away from just me, then the kids as the years grew.  We practiced that we should not bring upon 'real' feelings when speaking of family and friends from the beginning - only to speak of good, or do not speak of it at all.  And I mend the fences.  I kept mending fences.  Keeping the home safe physically and emotionally.  Until when we decided to move out of our parents' house.  That was when I could not continue mending anymore.     

Whenever I wanted to bring up about the broken fences, it was I in the end, who was not able to handle it.  The same goes with the supervisor I had at work.  I began to believe them.  It was me who was broken.  So I would go through the day and night just doing things expected without looking right or left like a bull working the paddy field.  Just go ahead and move that heavy ass forward.  I began to cloud my judgement.  I began lose myself further from the identity torn from motherhood, wife at home and self; when all that is important in a healthy relationship is being yourself.  I stopped talking.  I stopped looking.  I began to cloud my life's window grey.  Myself was lost.

As stress surfaces, problems at the office began to erupt.  Clearly I began to lose control of it and allowed continuous emotional bullying happen onto me.  Everything became my fault for not managing them well; be it at home or at work.  And I worked like a dog left broken with an empty bowl.  Then berated at home for not being home to manage home.

I began to be short sighted.  I became completely blind.  And I continued to pile on weight from hormonal imbalance.  The high blood pressure.  The continued for real, mismanagement.  Stress became this thing I had on my back like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and came depression.  Silently, the idea of suicide became more attractive to art for me.  My hormones became completely botched up that I was skipping months of menses.  I became and felt further unattractive.  Nothing fits anymore.  I even resorted to wearing pregnancy fitted jeans in size L.  I became further depressed.  And sisters-in-law began to talk.  I was not being the perfect Asian wife.  

He began looking elsewhere, as his company secured another project 3 hours drive away from home. I knew of it.  I was getting dreams ahead and had all that wifely instincts.  I did not mind.  I knew I was not enough for him.

On the pretext of moving in as a family, we moved back into our parents' house 'while waiting for the other house to be fixed'.  So that was what I thought.  Instead, he sold it within a month after getting to know one attractive mystical flying fox.  He went and did not come back.  I went looking and all hell broke lose.  My heart was broken.  The other family telling me to leave and tells me there is no other woman.  They did not believe a word I said.

Then came letters from the court for divorce proceedings.  Easily as how the papers came, we divorced.  And a week later, he brought the other woman to his family home.  All hell broke lose.  I could not care less.  Calls came in asking me to fix it.  I told them that was not to be my fucking problem.  He was no longer my husband.  My concern would be solely for the safety of my children.

However, flying fox outplayed so well that no one even knew her real name.  Many fell ill from her mysterious mystical chants.  I had to be strong internally to be a protector.  I had to protect myself to protect the kids.  I tried to fix me to fix the situation.  Honestly, it too much for me to fix within that span of time; but nothing like what God allowed to correct.  And the fox was sent away.

I do not blame anything or anyone that the divorce happened.  Truth be told, our marriage was in such a bad condition that it had to breakdown before it was built again.  So many corners and edges and loopholes and potholes that needed fixing.  I had to fix myself.  And I actually found myself again in the process towards the divorce and after I became single again.  I could hear myself speak and realize that I have to be my own best friend.  I was able to move on my own accord.  I would be solely responsible for what of the children will become.  I AM MY OWN INITIATIVE.

Eventually when we were all fixed from foxy's mystical ways, everyone came to terms that we were divorced so just face it.  It was hard on him, I knew.  He had so much to fix and get over.  No regrets over spilled milk.  This period in life where you suddenly get cubed in alone and find yourself asking what actually just happened.

For a blur headed person like me, I began to believe in myself.  Just being able to feel beautiful and putting it out in the open was something so awakening that I never felt free as I was ever.  Period.  I was getting my life in order.  Sorted the office bullying.  Got my own car.  Sold food for a little extra income.  Got the children into swimming.  And I was getting my menses normally instead of skipping months.  All this self confidence, this ownership of self, reminds herself of what she is worth.

I made a point to not make my ex-husband my enemy.  I was often civilized with him.  I listened, I spoke, and conversed.  I reminded myself that he is free to be with whomever he wishes to as did I.  Then speaking with him got easier.  It was more direct and heartfelt.  I had nothing to lose.  He was no longer my husband.  I felt freer going out with him and the children.  He was more attentive to me.  And I felt shy and out of place.  It was funny.  But the children were happy.  They tried so hard to get us speak to each other and go out together.  There were times that I would, then there were times that I would not.

I got a grip of me.  But he too had to go through his hurdles.  His were a lot more than anyone would be able figure out.  Through this renewed friendship, we supported each other.  And each time he had to go away, it was hard for all five of us.  

Then one day, we sat and talked about the future.  We spoke of hearts and truth.  The truth was, I have always loved him.  Each time that we met, it feels like the first time.  But having to be this new person, I was able to manage my feelings and thankful for that.  And a day at a time, it grew.  He too learnt to speak of his emotions.

There are times when I feel lost again.  But I take those as my own signals.  If he has any temperament, I let it be.  And if I have any, I let it lash onto him.  Let him feel and absorb my feelings as I take his.  That is the relationship that should be.  Something that we never had.  We never had what we have today.

So you see, each down fall will have a new beginning.  The reasons that only God knows.  And which I truly am thankful for.  For now I know who are the people worth keeping in my life.

    

The Separation of Past, Present and Future

What is it about truth that is so compelling to the human heart?  Sincerity, compassion, full of emotion.  Some want to seek human touch.  And then there are some who lacks all of the above and feasts on other people's agony.

 

So here goes... 

 

I am a mom of three.  Fell in love.  Got married.  Got divorced.  Remarried.  Owned a few blogs.  Shut them down.  Still maintain them for the sake of my own sanity and keepsake.  And now this. 

 

When the divorce happened, many were curious at that standing fact.  But no one came asking.  I didn't bother telling.  Why need to expose your wound, when you are so hurt that you cannot take care of yourself and when you still need to take care of children that God has given you?  How is that? 

 

Some tried to pry but I shut them down just because they don't deserve to know, and they too know that.  Some kept coming with a distance.  But, they still don't deserve to know.  And the thing is, it was most intriguing because we were from the same school and still live in the same town. 

 

Divorce is never easy.  Some would begin faulting him or her or the other her or the other him.  Stop insinuating, or coming up with some reason or excuse.  No truth would come out of it unless that person is really sincere and truthful enough to clean up his or her mess.  And having just anybody who was never in the situation, or come to stand within themselves, to tell you what to do; will not be a clever thing to do.  You might get into deeper trouble.

 

Here is the plain truth: 

 

Divorce isn't just separating boxes and furniture; it is a separation of past, current and future dreams that you shared with your spouse.  More even, your own children.

 

It is so dense that you cannot stomach it.  You are swirled in a typhoon of emotions and if you don't stay still for a minute, you will not be able to find your bearing.  You will not know where to hold on to.  You may lose focus and lose yourself completely.

 

This is where when people will begin to judge you.  All words will not help.  You will lay helpless there.  Not knowing what to do next.  And you will soon realize that your attempts for some truth to cling on, are all fake pretense that people extend to you. 

 

Yes, the world is full of fake people.  This is when you know who your true friends are.  You will live in a whirlpool until you are pushed to take steps that you don't know how it will benefit you, but you just do it anyways - You will be jumping without a net.  Just because you don't have a choice.  And this will apply in most major things that you do.  Your every move will be more immaculate when it comes to making decisions for child/children and what you can do to provide them education, trips and simple pleasures; just because you can't afford to.

 

I was quite transparent with mine.  My approach was to tell them that their dad isn't coming back.  Reassured them that we both still love them, only one party fell out of love from each other.  No matter what was lost, that we still had each other; as a whole unit, minus the dad.  And how each weekend, they will spend time with him because he loves them that much that they all deserve time with each other; and that of he will always be their father, the same how they will always be his children.

 

Yes, I have to admit that the truth hurts. 

 

In fact, it hurt everybody in the household and its exterior.  More than ever before. 

 

Each day I tell the children that they are important in many different ways.  Send/pick them to/from school when I could, even when I didn't have time for myself each day.  Stare at them when they are asleep.  Went crazy by myself afterwards drowning in my own emotions, trying to find strength where I lost or misplaced them.  Went to work half asleep.  Going to work with 1-2 hours of sleep was not uncommon for me at the time.  It wasn't an easy time for me or for those who knew and saw what I was turning myself into.  But I had so much support from simple individuals that I feel very blessed throughout the ordeal.

 

Then I learnt to speak.