I have been going through emotions of late. Self-imposed emotions. I realize that I do that onto myself for no reason at all. Perhaps to keep myself in check that I grow to accept and past them over time.
Depression.
Yesterday only I realized how too many times I wanted to be in the hole that I dug for myself to hide from the world and own insecurities. I was trying to make of something so that a friend could understand that concept of depression.
I was not strong enough to stand up for myself. For having raised with values as 'It's alright for others to do us, so long we don't do them onto them - just because we know better'; it proves that it can be damaging. I then believed what others made me believe who I was. Others' accusations of me became what they wanted me to be. Berated, then punished in working conditions, I fell into it even more deeply that I put all happy away just because I feel I did not deserve them. I was not allowed to. I was someone else's punching bag. And it was alright for others to do that onto me, so long I do not return the same to them - just because I know better. But I lay lifeless falling into the bottomless pit as days go by.
From the office, I became and received the same at home. Then it grew into the extended families. Losing self esteem even further. I could not even take a photograph anymore. I did not know what to focus. How can you not photograph something? Not even your own child?
No, I did not seek any professional help although I had a feeling that I was drowning in severe depression. I begun to find suicide jumping off the bridge as something beautiful in the art of it. I was numb and thought of slicing my arms open to see the blood flow, to acknowledge that myself was something living. I just could not see that I was worth living for. Wondering if anyone would notice at all if I was gone. I felt that I did not matter. But then again, I would probably make such a mess for getting myself sprawled somewhere and so that it would cause cleanup exhaustion for others; and I could not have that. I did not feel beautiful at all.
The responses that I received from people around me varies.
1. Asking me why I had to be in that pit in the first place and telling me the world is a better place.
2. Berating me even more why I wanted to dig a deeper hole for myself.
3. Looking at me with that 'stop being absurd because this is sooo stupid'.
4. Walking away.
5. Just let me drawl.
Number 1
Asking how I put myself in there will make me dig further and close the hole up. Telling me that the world is beautiful, would make me know the distance of your understanding to what I am feeling exactly. The darkness and sallowness became much of a comfort. I DID NOT want to be outside. The world is much, much safer inside the hole.
Number 2
Berating will make me just stand there and listen to you, no longer caring of what you have to say about me because I do not exist. After all that I have received, what else is new? I ONLY deserve berating because I AM the receiving end of the wrath of every problem in the world.
Number 3
Giving me that look, will not make me blink an eye at you. I would give you no reaction at all. You would then be on my 'not reliable / the one who does not understand' list. You will have no right/deserve to be near me within a 100-foot, more even to talk to me.
Number 4
No feeling for those who walk away. Everyone has got their own worries and problems. I would understand. Because people just leave. More over I will only drag them down with me. And probably will make their own problems worse. Just because 'I tend to do that to people, create problems for people'.
Number 5
And those who let me drawl... Then answering their questions so tactfully asked that I did not realize they were hopeful to make me talk. With much patience, stood by me. Listened to me to begin stepping out of numbness, to showing emotion of confusion, sadness, anger, frustration, sadness, ugly cry, acceptance, walking out of the hole and forgiving.
I kid you not that my friend, my rock, stood by me for almost 2 years just being my 'trash can'. She stood by me and applauded each time I move a pebble, a shovel, a step, a climb and a swim. She encourages self-celebration. Each time, we would celebrate with Japanese Food and finish off with coffee. She would spare 4 hours of her time each time we meet.
Now that I am back onto my two feet, I see she goes further off to help another in need. I feel blessed that I was allowed recovery through her. And I hope she is blessed and will receive an abundance from the above. He would know how to grant her for her good-doings.
I write this so that one understand what it is, how it feels like, and that we could get through it. There is no ON/OFF switch. To light a room, you need to choose the correct wiring, putting the wiring with the power supply in place, identifying the best place to put the lighting on thoroughly in the room, fitting in the switch; all are BEFORE you get to ON the lighting for the whole room. The progress differs differently for each individual.
Just, try not to shoot a person down just because he/she is different. Just try to see them in a different perspective. Sometimes that is just something kind to do.
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