I have been keeping myself in silo with close friends who end up listening to me vomit out my insecurities as I go through the days and feel nothing great I had done entirely throughout of it. But the private sessions that I go about has been quite filling and great.
Aside of the above, I have explored Wordpress for fun and found myself opening compulsively, yet another blog. I have no idea why. The compulsiveness and addiction to having so many. I mean, I am aware that there so many dimensions to my feelings and the things I talk to myself about. But after being able to identify my personality that I have struggled to understand for almost 40 years, it is just a celebration of embracing myself - yet again.
I can hear the kids screaming upstairs and me, not moving an inch of myself.
This equation of self. (Oh God, all that screaming of the kids!)
What I had wanted to write about was the memories that come flashing back to me.
I remember the time during the divorce, when both he and I were in good terms after of it, the kids would sometimes come to me with the heads hung over my shoulders and thighs.
"Mummy, we don't want you to be detached with Daddy anymore."
"Yes, Mummy, we don't want you to be broken with him."
"Please reassemble this relationship with him. We love both of you."
Each time they say this, I felt grounded. Not really sad, but I accepted what was fated. I wasn't feeling angry or upset. Just this corner the heart that rumples itself and hangs itself to dry as I tell them this:
"In our religion, divorce (in its easiest way) is said (decision) by the husband who says it with intent - then the marriage is broken. It is he too who needs to say it with intent that he wants to denounce the divorce, not the wife (within the woman's 3 period cycle). And it is too the one who has to say the words with intent to a marriage vow that the two combine. At this point, it is not I who can decide for what you want. Just ask from God of what you want and your need, and in time if it is the best thing for you, He will grant it for you. If not, we accept that your father and I are no longer good to be husband and wife anymore - where we will remain as your parents and remain as friends with each other. The only difference is we are no longer husband and wife."
And each time, they would keep their heads bowed down and relish my words to heart. I am thankful that are emotionally matured although their ages then were 5, 7 and 10.
On the day where I transparently told them that the divorce will happen, the eldest took flight when I asked him if he was alright. Eventually his aunts would find him crying in door corners and keep silent. I told him that if he wasn't comfortable talking to me, he can speak to his aunts and uncles instead. It would still be alright.
Then the second child took me by surprise. I asked him how he felt. This 7 year old boy told me he was sad, but as things were as that, we would all have to accept it and move on along.
And the last child listened, hugged me and changes the subject. To think that she may not understand, she did. She did so deeply that moved me. There she would be keeping me strong. She was my strength then as she is still now. We would stand at the door waving to that different man I knew as my husband (then) time after time he packs his things to leave; with tears flowing down our cheeks without a sound and then hugging each other tightly when he goes out of sight.
I have not seen my husband for 11 hours at this time. He has traveled back to his site project this morning just before I left for work. And my heart tugged, missing him while having dinner.
For all the times I asked God to grant me:
"If it is written that I will be remarried again in the future, please grant me a man who is kind, the one who would love me entirely so much that he appreciates, accepts me as I am and one who will love my children as his own; along side he is able to perform himself as a good husband in Your eyes. And in kindness of his soul, I pray that I will serve well as his wife, as good as he treats me where I will love his soul entirely as You permit me."
I am thankful. For the divorce. For the kids. For the understanding need for change. For me. He is the best husband for me.
Truth be told, some things need to be broken down before it can built again.
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