Red

I'm so angry right now - not upset. Just plain angry where I could feel my face getting red. All over. And I should be thankful of the hypertension pill I have to take daily.

Done the work. Asked for purview. Lagged and lagged as usual. And then now, today, after numerous follow through by various people that I asked to directly prompt Person themselves, just to help everyone in this matter, that Person is purging everything onto me, and telling me that I must make sure everything is done by today. 

Oh this pissing sensation tingling all over. They are all 17 separate documents. That today, you want me to revise. And new attachments. All separate word files. And telling me some charts must be copied in colour because the scan colour is not as cute.

Really. I took time out at lunch and had my own sweet time to drive home and hit the crap out of 5 cigarettes in one sitting when I usually restrain self at lunch time. With that, I physically did crap and a whole load of it came out too. I hoped to have better management of this... all these... But seriously, I feel like punching someone in the face right now. I really do. 

I really do.

Little Miss Gemini

It's a lazy Saturday. The kids want to go swimming. I will abide. Alone again this weekend. Feeling down. Friendless. The friend who's able to attend by themselves. Without children. Me with headaches. Slow mood. Sad mood really.

Truth is, my pool of friends are various in the vanicinity of the heart. Many don't fit the bill now.

I slowly realize I just can't do with Aquarius and find that Aries can be so... I'm being difficult with myself. I just need to vomit whatever silent conversations my mind and heart is having. Perhaps some distraction will be good for me like window shopping. But of course, that will cost as well. Especially with stringing growing children. Food, coffee, snacks and menial things you find would be useful then and there but it completely useless. Ever.

A Gemini would be good right now. I miss my tiny Miss Gemini. She just sweeps herself away from me from the feelings she envelopes herself with. Like hibernation. Completely cutting off everyone she has come into contact with. She forgets that I'm naked inside whenever we're together. Maybe. I embrace flaws, fears, heartache, hate, love, being unloved. It makes you a person and I'm completely yours when you become bare with me.

I miss her. And she absolutely... I hope God is taking care of her. She deserves happiness. And it makes me happy to be able to heal with her. I heal when people around me do.

If only she can see the beauty of what she has as I see her.

Now let me cry in my sleep. Just because, I feel the need to. Because I know her too well. Just as the heart I have inside.

Low

I wonder if I will ever sync all the blogs I have to be one. It would be very daunting I think. Not think, I feel. For me. Because the emotional dimension will be in so many angles and seeing or feeling the structures and emotions of going forwards and backwards all at the same time... Further, for a total of many many years. So so so daunting.

Motivation is low. My mind is working slow pacing jog or more like walking. This morning stroll in park somewhere cold and dewy at this time of the morning. Just some where foreign. Being the one there instead of being the one constantly planning for someone else.

I do want to ignore some memories. I also realize that my way of thinking and analyzing now is more sporadic than ever and I don't care. I don't appreciate myself being stressed out for whatever reason just because I don't need to be and I don't deserve to stress over things. I'm still improving in that area.

There was a time I knew someone who is constantly happy and pleasant. Everyone wanted to be friends with me, just so they could be her friend. It was sad. For me. I couldn't define what was going on but it made me feel worthless that built resentment. Took me years to realize that I'm not ever meant to have many friends. I only saw it as a non-friend-able person. Unworthy. And I keep going back there to punish myself on being a quality friend and how to make people like you. In the end, I become self-centred because I had no one else to discuss about myself. So I'd out-speak about me with whoever I meet, making me even more self-centred. Because nobody cared about how I feel.

Wow. Writing this is painful.

Give me a papercup of hot coffee in my gloved hands. Let me breathe in the autumn air. Grace me a bench for me to sit in the the middle of park to watch the leaves go brown. I love my autumn coloured knee length leather boots. I look good in all olive and gracefulness of the browning leaves. I embrace the coming of September. Just close my eyes and feel the warmth of his face against mine. Feel the warmth of his hug on mine.

This feels secure. And happy. I like this. I like this very much.

Perspective of Home

This morning Phillip Phillips' song came on. I've always loved that song. It triggers the membrane for some awesome journey in life I had somehow. Telling wounded souls that they'll be fine and just bear with me so we can heal together. But then somewhere in the song, I felt broken.

Home, the title of this song, came into air in the late 2012 and early 2013. I was so hopeful to keep him in me. Him. The X. Then. Funny how after so many years all these memories still come to haunt me and make me feel broken like a wave hitting the rocks, and the rock that holds all the other rocks in the sea, breaks in the bottom. Yes, that is exactly how it feels. Broken beneath the sea. A place where no one can see or feel. 

I pushed myself to sing the song again, line by line. The crack ran deeper. I decide to stop the cracking and changed my own perspective. The song was about telling MYSELF to bring MYSELF home - which I did, and therefore blessed and thankful for.

Funny ain't it how smell, sight and sound can make or break your day? 

But then again, you too can make the change by turning into a different degree of your perspective. Only sometimes, you need time to gage and find ways how to bring yourself out of the waters. 

Funny too how in current times, nothing else is affected. It's just my brain calling. Emotional growth. Emotional range and understanding of how far I've expanded, experienced, learned, grown and healed.

Like how it is said, God will not test you for something you cannot carry.

It was never a lie.

Getting Off

In the silence of motion, my memory triggers all that hurt me. All that was in the past but feels like brand new. I know in my heart that Satan is pulling my leg with it. But the wound feels fresh and gently throbs through my heart.

That day in chaos of the mid morning. When he came and tried talking to me to just be settled with his decisions. Me doing my best keeping him there. But through and through, I no longer live in his heart. It belonged to someone else. It was a blank wall with volatile colours of black, red and thorns in the chest.

I made the journey to the registrar's where he files in petition to separate. Stupified by the sight of support of his brother there, but I came with my mother, my bestfriend, siblings and uncle. My uncle had a bypass few months and his chest was hurting throughout the whole ordeal. He couldn't get through the lobby. Best he waited in the car.

Made me feel zero. Everything felt stripped from my skin down to my bones. But these were the flashes of memories that pains me every once in a while.

In current times, we are past all that. But this INFJ in me does this self torture on auto mode.

Happily holding hands and kisses in codes that we only understand. The other minute all these things come flooding through.

It is not with feelings of resentment. It's just something natural to feel. But then again, I'm tired. Who knows what I'm talking about right now. My eyes are seeing double.

Must leave.

Good night.