Finding Perspective

It is in the middle of the night and I am still awake. Found myself wasting minutes on cigarettes in small confined toilet that I call as my breathing space to so much of irony. I should quit. I feel like quitting but I get lonely. Another irony as I wanted breathing space to that.

I grew up trying to find myself. Never identified myself as beautiful. I know now that it was because I never really did embrace me. But being in that, I lived a totally blurred outlook. I am being transparent here. Completely. I get lost when people start talking. And with obvious reasons, it gets awkward with people.

On the day of my divorce, I came home feeling elated. I was relieved it was over. Spent months trying to figure where I and where it went wrong. Speaking with family who felt I should leave the marriage, that I was not good enough for they believed the stories that were told to them during that duration. Naturally I felt betrayed. 

For one family member who came by herself to see me, the second force to vote for it, shocked at the sight of me. I had grown thin from the miraculous extra 10 kgs I put on just one year before from the hormonal imbalance. I lost more than 15 kgs within 3 months. And I remember telling her this:

"I am glad it is over (the divorcing period). Why should I stay or fight over a man who does not love me? And I am thankful that I have come to terms with myself. At least finally I feel beautiful - as I never did."

She responded, "What do you mean? Are you telling me you never felt beautiful before this?"

I nodded my head. 

Truth be told, that was why I have always signed myself off with 'cute'. I felt dressing up was too much for me. Makeup was the same. Frustrated my circle of friends that I had lack of interest or did not see the need of it. 

I was finally settled with myself. Began to count back and be bold with myself. Identifying and acknowledging the things that I have done or achieved for myself and others. I also found a connection and need to be with people to help me as I help others in need of things or emotional nutrition. 

Such sorrow I carried myself in. That empty space and hole in my soul was what I was familiar with. I would be the one sulking at a corner (not that I was trying to as I appear to be sulking all the time) and perhaps draining others with their happiness. But I was attracted to lost souls. I knew of that as I was familiar with the emptiness in mine.

I forgave myself for what I have given or done was the best that I could think of or do at the time. And I still remember telling my husband then in the court when the judge asked us to have a moment to speak with each other before the he gave me away back to my parents.

"I seek you to forgive for all the things that you expected more or lesser than I was able to give, provide and nourish. Do allow all food, monetary and items that you have given and provided for me to be halal and in kindness. I forgive you the same for all that I expected more or lesser that you were able to provide me. And I am same for all the food and items that I have provided during our course of marriage. 

I allow you to let me go so that you can live a life single again. You have done so much for others. Sacrificed your years to provide other people's expectations that you were unable to fulfill or having the opportunity finding your own expectations. For you to do all the things you never got to do in your life. For you to learn new things and find your happiness. For you to find your destiny."

He choked a little when the judge asked if we dated before we married. We did. The judge resumed with that it is really, no excuse for you to say that you do not know who your spouse is and irreconcilable differences between husband and wife.  

When he took the vows to let me go, the whole court went silent. Funnily enough, I looked at him as the vows were drawn out from his mouth. I found myself smiling in unison of the farewell of our marriage. Then it was done.  I was single again in the eyes of God.  The same, in the eyes of the whole court members.  And I left the bench. Only to find his mom embracing mine as if I was her child being divorced from her husband. My mom had to pacify here. Too much of drama. But I felt free of letting go heartache, as well as someone and something that once meant so much to me.

I learnt to appreciate what I did for myself to putting myself forward. Spent many nights getting over it. The piercing lonely nights when all you need is someone holding you tight full of affection. I am blessed to have such good friends who just stood by me during that raging hours.  Their words drawn in in repetition night after night for me to realize my self-worth and keeping good pride.   

From all that I have learnt was, the marriage that we built came to such a bad condition that it had to breakdown. I became more silent towards the years as it crumbled. Shutting down was easier and it seemed necessary that I did more of then. I put myself away from all priorities as I put everyone up front. I became nothing and he became more and more controlling. I gave the power to him when I was the one manning the ship. I had always been the one wearing the pants but I wanted him to do it. The ship was wrecked.

Through the divorce, I found me again. I forgot how much I love shoes and the colour fuchsia. Dwell in late night coffee and indulged in conversations that I appreciate. I have always loved writing and emotions. I managed to clean myself up and appreciated more in clothes as I begin to lose more weight. And I began to love makeup. Feeling beautiful in my strikingly fuchsia Sephora lipstick. 

With this ownership, he began looking back at me to what I never allowed myself to become. I became more attractive as I began to reinstate or own the confidence that dwindled and exhausted throughout our marriage. I did not care about what he felt or saw, I only cared about me, my sanity and my kids.

Sometimes I would draw out about what I went through with people whom I call my friends. I am thankful as they say, I do not try to diminish my past; instead it was sharing of life's process. 

Too many times I went into depression. And too many times in the past that I carried disappointments that were not of mine onto myself. I learnt to let go. At one step at a time, I learnt to forgive. Then I learnt to pray the best for each one of them.  And I am thankful for that I have learnt through the harrowing experience God gave me. For after that, I found true love.

Truth be told, it feels like the first time every time I look at him. And truth be told, I am truly thankful for the wreckage that went away with my total unhappiness with it.  

Sullen Week

My week has grown sullen.  Yet, today is the last day of the year.  I should be feeling thankful.  But I suppose the paleness of my face shows my amount of enthusiasm for it.  In fact, I am only in the mood of having 2 pieces of Roti Canai with Nescafe O Ais.  And maybe along with that drumstick fried chicken eaten with Sambal Belacan.  It works each time so far, so it should not go wrong this time around.

From my arrival back home from where I was, took a toll on my shoulder and neck.  The usual 3 hours became 5 hours.  It was raining non-stop along the way.  And there were so many accidents that happened ahead of the journey.  So finally I got to have a massage yesterday evening.  I just had to have one.  Because this pain, means it goes all the way down your back.  And there is a little relief, but it feels like it is curling its way up again.  

Truth be told.

I feel empty being in the workplace where I am.  The environment makes me be ultra defensive - not that I already come with that package.  It makes you become calculative - just because you have to or otherwise you will be stepped on.  I have had enough of that.  I know deep within that the previous division where I was, had extremely understanding staffs who knows how much work you have and will accommodate you and as you with them.  It was only the amount of workload, expectations with too many adhoc things that came together; on top of having one screaming Libra who has got control issues; that made broke me.  But coming to this place, there is no appreciation, and no feeling of worthiness to work together as team.  Aware that I am just being one of them, for the things that I had done wrong for not taking of myself (mentally and emotionally), then I must.  This is the extent of me being walked on.

So my sister got hitched a couple of days ago.  I still have not seen her.  Fell asleep when she came home.

Towards the weekend too, now that it will be new year tomorrow.  Self-doubting that I should be taking off on Friday.  This dragging sappy feeling is so heavy on me right now.  Well, I suppose it could be with what the nation is dealing with right now.  Rain has not stopped pouring all over.  And I think it is time for me to get the Roti Canai.

I deserve the little pick-me-up.

  

Smallness

I am 3-hours away from home. With bleeping headache after driving with the kids to the destination. And belly full after being overfed by the family who lives in the room below us.

Silently I am suffering from toothache. Every other part of the day, it will gnaw my gum and make my ear and head ache. Not that when I mention about it, anyone would care. But many seem to feel it as I post it on the social network status. If only there is any dental clinic that opens on Christmas.

No mood. Perhaps it is the toothache. Maybe I am feeling ill. But this overfed bloaty moody woman is not feeling right. She is being ignored and expected. Sacrificing the days that she could embrace to coffee with friends; yet she is here. However, her mood pours down south because she is feeling that she is pushing her friends away without her knowing; although she has not done anything. All of them are constantly occupied with something. And she feels rejection and smallness.

This is what gets to you. No mood means no sincere smile is available on my face. I keep cleaning up but it keeps getting messy. Packing for 4 and keeping it neat and then repacking - and ignored... I am OFFLINE.

'She envisions herself tucked safely in the belly comfort of the cafe. Warm mug of black coffee and a pack of cigarettes.

She takes a long drag as she pulls the book she bought for herself a week ago. Loosen her flats off, she lifts her legs onto the chair and she takes a sip of her coffee.'

There is no doubt that SHE, is feeling lonely. Especially when this woman is not getting the cigarette she asked from him just to soothe this uncomfortable belly down from all the spices.

I know so.

Funny how the hours spent in the office yesterday, felt like I was ready to leave. The feeling of separation. Goodbye. Perhaps I am dying.

But then again, maybe I AM about to get my menses. Just because I often feel like I am dying each time before I menstruate.

Life's Initiative

The Truth of the Day: How can you find yourself when you are in pieces everywhere?

During my journey of towards the divorce, too many things were happening that I could not understand, digest and feel.  I hung my words for the wisdom of God.  I held onto Him to get through the days.  Indeed.  I was praying so hard that my requests for clarity came to answer within 12 hours of my prayers.  

Confident that I would be able to stay close to Him, I continued my best as I remarried to the man who left me.

Indeed, I have not been transparent to what happened that the relationship led to divorce.  I did not think that it mattered.  It was not any of anyone's business.  I was healing as I got to day by day.  I was hurting too.  I cannot squeeze that out.  But I learnt that it did not matter what others thought of me.  Or what they intended to to do me.  I was already out of the picture, so their cries for help too, did not matter to me. Meaningless.  So I learnt to let go and forgave as the days pass.

I was not made out to be curvaceous.  My bottom is plentiful but my top is meager.  However, I managed to breastfeed all my children despite each time my milk pumping sessions only bring me to 2oz average each time.  And the top still never grew, but they never dropped.  I feel that I am a pretty boring person.  Deep conversations do me good, but it is not always in the topic selection when you go for social gatherings; which is also why I keep myself away.  Not that I hate people.  I just cannot connect with them.

In the marriage that was lost, I lost myself even more.  I am a simple person.  I shop lightly.  Supermarkets excite me.  Gourmet food does the same.  Green fields and wide open space delight me.  Swings on trees do the same for me.  But for everything else, I am a recluse for my own zone.  I need to be within my own space to gather me.  

Our lives were lived separated.  From the beginning.  He was always away for work.  Months, weeks and days away from just me, then the kids as the years grew.  We practiced that we should not bring upon 'real' feelings when speaking of family and friends from the beginning - only to speak of good, or do not speak of it at all.  And I mend the fences.  I kept mending fences.  Keeping the home safe physically and emotionally.  Until when we decided to move out of our parents' house.  That was when I could not continue mending anymore.     

Whenever I wanted to bring up about the broken fences, it was I in the end, who was not able to handle it.  The same goes with the supervisor I had at work.  I began to believe them.  It was me who was broken.  So I would go through the day and night just doing things expected without looking right or left like a bull working the paddy field.  Just go ahead and move that heavy ass forward.  I began to cloud my judgement.  I began lose myself further from the identity torn from motherhood, wife at home and self; when all that is important in a healthy relationship is being yourself.  I stopped talking.  I stopped looking.  I began to cloud my life's window grey.  Myself was lost.

As stress surfaces, problems at the office began to erupt.  Clearly I began to lose control of it and allowed continuous emotional bullying happen onto me.  Everything became my fault for not managing them well; be it at home or at work.  And I worked like a dog left broken with an empty bowl.  Then berated at home for not being home to manage home.

I began to be short sighted.  I became completely blind.  And I continued to pile on weight from hormonal imbalance.  The high blood pressure.  The continued for real, mismanagement.  Stress became this thing I had on my back like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and came depression.  Silently, the idea of suicide became more attractive to art for me.  My hormones became completely botched up that I was skipping months of menses.  I became and felt further unattractive.  Nothing fits anymore.  I even resorted to wearing pregnancy fitted jeans in size L.  I became further depressed.  And sisters-in-law began to talk.  I was not being the perfect Asian wife.  

He began looking elsewhere, as his company secured another project 3 hours drive away from home. I knew of it.  I was getting dreams ahead and had all that wifely instincts.  I did not mind.  I knew I was not enough for him.

On the pretext of moving in as a family, we moved back into our parents' house 'while waiting for the other house to be fixed'.  So that was what I thought.  Instead, he sold it within a month after getting to know one attractive mystical flying fox.  He went and did not come back.  I went looking and all hell broke lose.  My heart was broken.  The other family telling me to leave and tells me there is no other woman.  They did not believe a word I said.

Then came letters from the court for divorce proceedings.  Easily as how the papers came, we divorced.  And a week later, he brought the other woman to his family home.  All hell broke lose.  I could not care less.  Calls came in asking me to fix it.  I told them that was not to be my fucking problem.  He was no longer my husband.  My concern would be solely for the safety of my children.

However, flying fox outplayed so well that no one even knew her real name.  Many fell ill from her mysterious mystical chants.  I had to be strong internally to be a protector.  I had to protect myself to protect the kids.  I tried to fix me to fix the situation.  Honestly, it too much for me to fix within that span of time; but nothing like what God allowed to correct.  And the fox was sent away.

I do not blame anything or anyone that the divorce happened.  Truth be told, our marriage was in such a bad condition that it had to breakdown before it was built again.  So many corners and edges and loopholes and potholes that needed fixing.  I had to fix myself.  And I actually found myself again in the process towards the divorce and after I became single again.  I could hear myself speak and realize that I have to be my own best friend.  I was able to move on my own accord.  I would be solely responsible for what of the children will become.  I AM MY OWN INITIATIVE.

Eventually when we were all fixed from foxy's mystical ways, everyone came to terms that we were divorced so just face it.  It was hard on him, I knew.  He had so much to fix and get over.  No regrets over spilled milk.  This period in life where you suddenly get cubed in alone and find yourself asking what actually just happened.

For a blur headed person like me, I began to believe in myself.  Just being able to feel beautiful and putting it out in the open was something so awakening that I never felt free as I was ever.  Period.  I was getting my life in order.  Sorted the office bullying.  Got my own car.  Sold food for a little extra income.  Got the children into swimming.  And I was getting my menses normally instead of skipping months.  All this self confidence, this ownership of self, reminds herself of what she is worth.

I made a point to not make my ex-husband my enemy.  I was often civilized with him.  I listened, I spoke, and conversed.  I reminded myself that he is free to be with whomever he wishes to as did I.  Then speaking with him got easier.  It was more direct and heartfelt.  I had nothing to lose.  He was no longer my husband.  I felt freer going out with him and the children.  He was more attentive to me.  And I felt shy and out of place.  It was funny.  But the children were happy.  They tried so hard to get us speak to each other and go out together.  There were times that I would, then there were times that I would not.

I got a grip of me.  But he too had to go through his hurdles.  His were a lot more than anyone would be able figure out.  Through this renewed friendship, we supported each other.  And each time he had to go away, it was hard for all five of us.  

Then one day, we sat and talked about the future.  We spoke of hearts and truth.  The truth was, I have always loved him.  Each time that we met, it feels like the first time.  But having to be this new person, I was able to manage my feelings and thankful for that.  And a day at a time, it grew.  He too learnt to speak of his emotions.

There are times when I feel lost again.  But I take those as my own signals.  If he has any temperament, I let it be.  And if I have any, I let it lash onto him.  Let him feel and absorb my feelings as I take his.  That is the relationship that should be.  Something that we never had.  We never had what we have today.

So you see, each down fall will have a new beginning.  The reasons that only God knows.  And which I truly am thankful for.  For now I know who are the people worth keeping in my life.

    

Floating Picking

Feeling a bit off today.  Perhaps it is because of menstruation factors.  Not so much of wanting to be bitchy, or nasty, or upset.  Just more of floating about.

I just need a pick-me-up.

Yes.

He'll do fine.