Muddled Puddles

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by love that you feel compelled to cry most of the time you're awake and while falling asleep? Am I that sick to begin with? Okay. I feel sick. About it. That is.

Truth be told, I know that God has given me this internal strength to withstand such relationship. The things He had me go through to make me realise how much stronger of a person I am. For me to appreciate me and to learn how to appreciate all the other things He has given and will eventually give later on.

Because of all that, I am grateful that I get to experience them all and thankful for all that I had to go through. And the same for the fact that I grasp onto the affection I have with my spouse. But somehow it gets bad when he is away.

You see, the last time I was married, I struggled with that distance and embraced abandonment as the years grew with three little children tagging along and me trying to make ends meet as he. So my mind gets all wonky and messed up with resentments that I took a toll onto me. In the end I shut down, he shuts down and have no arguments as we both just go on along trying to just get things done and over with.

Recently I just came across this saying of:

Relationships without arguments are relationships full of secrets

...where I went in such awe with an obvious, "No shit!" while reading those lines over and over again. Indeed it's true. We were both repressing our feelings.

This time around, the kids have grown so things are easier to get done. But not having him around gets me weepy. I go into rants and heartaches in texts with him. And he responds. And it brings us closer. Such joy through hurting. How ironic.

And I just missed him. I know I can't change circumstances. So I'll just wait and pray that he returns home safely back to me.

So this is good.

PS: I managed to get the weepiness under control. #FeelingThankfulForNoWeepiness