Sleepless

I have been extremely tired. Perhaps that time of the month is due soon. Not quite sure as mine jumps as it pleases.

Have been in conversations with friends. One just got divorced. One is in turmoil. Anne is out of touch. Gecko is out of sight. Just realised the father of someone I knew was the one who legalised what is so wrong in the country.

Well. Helping those struggling and in turmoil had me break again the story of my life. The things I had to deal with. The communication breakdown. The selfishness. Most of which they never knew about. All they knew was that of the divorce. I told them nothing before that because that was no need for it.

Whatever it is, these thoughts are keeping me awake.

The condition that we were in the marriage was so bad that it had to breakdown. I was not a good faith keeper. But when I prayed, I kept telling God that I felt stuck. That was it. It kept going in the same sentence each rare time that I did.

But as Gecko say, God is fair. Sometimes when things get out of hand at home, it gets handleable in the office and it works vice versa. And when those rare times I had, God knew what I was going through. He knew it more than me. He knew me more than I knew myself.

Then the one in turmoil asked me how I handled it. It was actually hard for me to answer. I could not tell her that I felt that her marriage could probably head the same way just for them to be able to build it up again with much risk of not getting back together too. Plus, it is more twisted with him being stingy, counting pennies, is not the type who helps or nourishes her and expected more work done by her. She is a maidless working mother.

So I unravelled. God is giving her this chance to be in this group where she are free to let loose and not be judged. We support each other emotionally with politics out of the picture. God is blessing her by having her emotional strength to begin running. It is now her hobby since a couple of months ago.

Truth be told, I was talking to Zee about it just a few weeks ago. I said, it is good that Turmoil (let us call her that) is finding good spirit with her exercise. She gets her mind sorted. And she will slowly begin to realise her own strengths and identify what she wants and does not need in her life, where it is very close coming.

Then it did. She stacks up loathing about people misusing her at work. Then the internal home conditions and her relationship with her spouse. Touching her children later on. And then more on the personality of her spouse that frustrates her to bear with.  So I did what I could.

I grew up knowing inside that I am a healer. I just cannot tell you what I heal because I do not know. All I know is that I am. Maybe it is my calling. Hence why I am attracted to wretched souls and troubled people without even knowing it. Funny I can easily speak to them while others bitch about then on the sideline doing nothing. Everyone has their own problems. Some was born to go through wretched life since young. Some just need people to touch them for them to be free, to understand that the world can be a secure place if you want it to be.  That is how I see it through my eyes.

So I told Turmoil. Do not stop running. It is hers. Through all the crap things and stuffs that she has to deal with every day, let that remain as her day's highlight. Keep a notebook in the office charting her highs, lows, disappointments and self appreciations. And pray that her spouse will learn to undestand.

When he was about to leave me (that I did not know about), I decided if he is not satisfied, so be it. But I deserve all emotional 'salary' for being his wife. And if it makes me happy, then I should do it. So I began hugging him. Each day. Making him kiss my forehead before he leaves for work. It worked. But that was that.

It took me guts to finally be able to let me free to fall. Because I forgot to put God as No.1 first. So I understood then that if I fail, God is fair. He gives to those who try.  And He will be there for me because in the end, because He owns all 7 layers of skies and 7 layers of earth.  Leader of the universe where He will see me through.

For me, I began seeing him and talking to him as a friend. Whenever we had coffee after the kids were dropped off back to my house, I would tell him the things that I had to go through during that period (divorce). Then we would thread along the past when appropriate and I would just tell him what I felt when we were married and what I thought of them then when we had coffee. I was brave enough to talk about his family which was not to spoken off the negative when it had so much of it. And just gave him a piece of my mind in a low tone.

I surprise myself now. To slowly learn how to speak freely with him where it was not ever comfortable to do previously. Now when I am frustrated, my hollering and yelping does not bother I am much as he understands where I am coming from.  I tell him that I miss him and reciprocates.  I am very much thankful that I was able to break him down.  All that he needed was nurturing from all the childhood he grew in.  And all I do now when I see him is latched onto him for as long as I can. He lets me (I insist), and holds my hand when we walk.  We were never that before.

A marriage can shutdown when one shuts down. It gets bad when both shuts down and neither one could find the door to open the room. It disappeared into years of despair.

I wish her well. It is a process for Turmoil. I hope she does not give up on her running. She deserves her own time out.  And she deserves to be in touch with herself.  That is one thing I learnt that one should not give up.  But sometimes we forget.

Hearts all over for all Turmoil out there.