It Gets Gone

I have no clue if I have used this title before as I blog through my phone.

This is one of those times where this uber loneliness comes and greets you like... ugh. Memories come pouring through, they finally fall into timeline and you travel back to the days of the past just standing there and watching as everything happens.

Why do I even do this to myself? Cracking open back the wound for no reason at all. But as so many times I have said to myself, at least I am acknowledging pain and hardship to be able to move forward. But it hurts. Dull pain. Ugh.

Friends have been floating by. Those whom had been so close to me are so far away from me right now. I feel at loss. Even Anne whom wanted to make some activity taking up yoga classes has bailed out. I understand that she is currently out of job and has been living in an awful marriage. And I actually do not mind paying for her because this time together would probably bring joy for her. Just for her to feel good about herself. And maybe feel there is something else out there forbher. But of course. She must feel uneasy of her self-worth if I do that. Not embarrassed. Not ashamed. Just, not wanting to make her problems become someone else's. That is Anne. So I let her.
She is a beautiful person. But she hides her pain so thoroughly and has this master of diversion. But I look into her eyes and will repeat so honestly asking how she is doing. And I will see her crumble as she changes the direction of conversation that I acknowledge.

Then just one day out of the blue, I texted her. I was so frank I surprised myself. I told her to stop hiding from me. Just stop trying to brave everything when you cannot breathe and you live in constant fear and unhappiness.

Please strip yourself down when you are with me.
Bare your soul as I do with you.
I will not judge you.
You are so close to my heart.
Have no shame with me because I embrace you as I have always felt with you.
Shame is what you hide and I hide nothing from you.

This October would be 10 years since we spoke to each other. It has been that long. This tiny little girl still keeps jovial when we meet. But I want her to have that space where she can breakdown, be angry, be upset, be enraged and emote as free spirited as she always wanted and deserve to have.

I miss her presence. But I know I cannot push her. These complicated feelings and conditions need time. If there were those who stood by me to see me unravel and crack-addict like wavering in me for so over 30 years before the divorce, if God is willing, I shall do the same for her.

If only she has the push to embracing and taking control over her life that she has little of.

She is in my thoughts. I pray that she will be happy.