Muddled Puddles

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by love that you feel compelled to cry most of the time you're awake and while falling asleep? Am I that sick to begin with? Okay. I feel sick. About it. That is.

Truth be told, I know that God has given me this internal strength to withstand such relationship. The things He had me go through to make me realise how much stronger of a person I am. For me to appreciate me and to learn how to appreciate all the other things He has given and will eventually give later on.

Because of all that, I am grateful that I get to experience them all and thankful for all that I had to go through. And the same for the fact that I grasp onto the affection I have with my spouse. But somehow it gets bad when he is away.

You see, the last time I was married, I struggled with that distance and embraced abandonment as the years grew with three little children tagging along and me trying to make ends meet as he. So my mind gets all wonky and messed up with resentments that I took a toll onto me. In the end I shut down, he shuts down and have no arguments as we both just go on along trying to just get things done and over with.

Recently I just came across this saying of:

Relationships without arguments are relationships full of secrets

...where I went in such awe with an obvious, "No shit!" while reading those lines over and over again. Indeed it's true. We were both repressing our feelings.

This time around, the kids have grown so things are easier to get done. But not having him around gets me weepy. I go into rants and heartaches in texts with him. And he responds. And it brings us closer. Such joy through hurting. How ironic.

And I just missed him. I know I can't change circumstances. So I'll just wait and pray that he returns home safely back to me.

So this is good.

PS: I managed to get the weepiness under control. #FeelingThankfulForNoWeepiness

A Bit of Lag

Slightly lost and lagging behind life.  At least that's how I am feeling.

The things that I have done for myself and fallen ill for it.  Apparently I had been under so much stress that it induced me into Transient Ischemic Attack of mild stroke which brought my husband home from 3 hours away by flight just to be by my side.  I was grateful that he came home.  We had a chance to squabble and share the hospital bed together, with a more secure heart and without much sleep from the constant BP and temperature check every other hour.

And as I supposed to be working, I am finding this self-distraction into other things not really work related.  At least I am feeling normal now.  And having songs melting in my ears as I hum them along not knowing how loud I am sounding like to other people. I don't really care.

Only now, I am feeling anxious somehow.

A Silent Spectator

Life has been buzzing by as I sit there and stare on my outlook with eyes glazed.  Sometimes it feels that way.  Perhaps that stone feeling stays there 50 percent of the time.  Or I just feel that way inside as no smile freezes on my face.  

I have been feeling suspended in the air for the past week. Just suspended there.  And nothing else except darkness and what I saw were shades of darkness that looms in the eyesight.  How does it get to there?  I could not even phantom how my skeptical look sees and times out that way.  My father has always told me that I cannot work with other people as my idealism is such that it may not give frame for other people to work on.  Perhaps.  As in my eyes, there were so many chances given that people in the end, takes her for granted before she cracks.

How do I stop feeling like a life's spectator?  I zone in and out automatically. At least I do not do it most of the time as last.  Perhaps the frequency has reduced. And I check into reality more often. But somehow I find myself flailing when he is not by my side.  Like one side rear view mirror is missing so losing hold perspective sometimes happen.

This is the outlook for me today.

I do not need a physical hug from him.  But him telling me that he misses me, would make me feel balanced somehow.  Because I need a little balance today.

Sleepless

I have been extremely tired. Perhaps that time of the month is due soon. Not quite sure as mine jumps as it pleases.

Have been in conversations with friends. One just got divorced. One is in turmoil. Anne is out of touch. Gecko is out of sight. Just realised the father of someone I knew was the one who legalised what is so wrong in the country.

Well. Helping those struggling and in turmoil had me break again the story of my life. The things I had to deal with. The communication breakdown. The selfishness. Most of which they never knew about. All they knew was that of the divorce. I told them nothing before that because that was no need for it.

Whatever it is, these thoughts are keeping me awake.

The condition that we were in the marriage was so bad that it had to breakdown. I was not a good faith keeper. But when I prayed, I kept telling God that I felt stuck. That was it. It kept going in the same sentence each rare time that I did.

But as Gecko say, God is fair. Sometimes when things get out of hand at home, it gets handleable in the office and it works vice versa. And when those rare times I had, God knew what I was going through. He knew it more than me. He knew me more than I knew myself.

Then the one in turmoil asked me how I handled it. It was actually hard for me to answer. I could not tell her that I felt that her marriage could probably head the same way just for them to be able to build it up again with much risk of not getting back together too. Plus, it is more twisted with him being stingy, counting pennies, is not the type who helps or nourishes her and expected more work done by her. She is a maidless working mother.

So I unravelled. God is giving her this chance to be in this group where she are free to let loose and not be judged. We support each other emotionally with politics out of the picture. God is blessing her by having her emotional strength to begin running. It is now her hobby since a couple of months ago.

Truth be told, I was talking to Zee about it just a few weeks ago. I said, it is good that Turmoil (let us call her that) is finding good spirit with her exercise. She gets her mind sorted. And she will slowly begin to realise her own strengths and identify what she wants and does not need in her life, where it is very close coming.

Then it did. She stacks up loathing about people misusing her at work. Then the internal home conditions and her relationship with her spouse. Touching her children later on. And then more on the personality of her spouse that frustrates her to bear with.  So I did what I could.

I grew up knowing inside that I am a healer. I just cannot tell you what I heal because I do not know. All I know is that I am. Maybe it is my calling. Hence why I am attracted to wretched souls and troubled people without even knowing it. Funny I can easily speak to them while others bitch about then on the sideline doing nothing. Everyone has their own problems. Some was born to go through wretched life since young. Some just need people to touch them for them to be free, to understand that the world can be a secure place if you want it to be.  That is how I see it through my eyes.

So I told Turmoil. Do not stop running. It is hers. Through all the crap things and stuffs that she has to deal with every day, let that remain as her day's highlight. Keep a notebook in the office charting her highs, lows, disappointments and self appreciations. And pray that her spouse will learn to undestand.

When he was about to leave me (that I did not know about), I decided if he is not satisfied, so be it. But I deserve all emotional 'salary' for being his wife. And if it makes me happy, then I should do it. So I began hugging him. Each day. Making him kiss my forehead before he leaves for work. It worked. But that was that.

It took me guts to finally be able to let me free to fall. Because I forgot to put God as No.1 first. So I understood then that if I fail, God is fair. He gives to those who try.  And He will be there for me because in the end, because He owns all 7 layers of skies and 7 layers of earth.  Leader of the universe where He will see me through.

For me, I began seeing him and talking to him as a friend. Whenever we had coffee after the kids were dropped off back to my house, I would tell him the things that I had to go through during that period (divorce). Then we would thread along the past when appropriate and I would just tell him what I felt when we were married and what I thought of them then when we had coffee. I was brave enough to talk about his family which was not to spoken off the negative when it had so much of it. And just gave him a piece of my mind in a low tone.

I surprise myself now. To slowly learn how to speak freely with him where it was not ever comfortable to do previously. Now when I am frustrated, my hollering and yelping does not bother I am much as he understands where I am coming from.  I tell him that I miss him and reciprocates.  I am very much thankful that I was able to break him down.  All that he needed was nurturing from all the childhood he grew in.  And all I do now when I see him is latched onto him for as long as I can. He lets me (I insist), and holds my hand when we walk.  We were never that before.

A marriage can shutdown when one shuts down. It gets bad when both shuts down and neither one could find the door to open the room. It disappeared into years of despair.

I wish her well. It is a process for Turmoil. I hope she does not give up on her running. She deserves her own time out.  And she deserves to be in touch with herself.  That is one thing I learnt that one should not give up.  But sometimes we forget.

Hearts all over for all Turmoil out there.

It Gets Gone

I have no clue if I have used this title before as I blog through my phone.

This is one of those times where this uber loneliness comes and greets you like... ugh. Memories come pouring through, they finally fall into timeline and you travel back to the days of the past just standing there and watching as everything happens.

Why do I even do this to myself? Cracking open back the wound for no reason at all. But as so many times I have said to myself, at least I am acknowledging pain and hardship to be able to move forward. But it hurts. Dull pain. Ugh.

Friends have been floating by. Those whom had been so close to me are so far away from me right now. I feel at loss. Even Anne whom wanted to make some activity taking up yoga classes has bailed out. I understand that she is currently out of job and has been living in an awful marriage. And I actually do not mind paying for her because this time together would probably bring joy for her. Just for her to feel good about herself. And maybe feel there is something else out there forbher. But of course. She must feel uneasy of her self-worth if I do that. Not embarrassed. Not ashamed. Just, not wanting to make her problems become someone else's. That is Anne. So I let her.
She is a beautiful person. But she hides her pain so thoroughly and has this master of diversion. But I look into her eyes and will repeat so honestly asking how she is doing. And I will see her crumble as she changes the direction of conversation that I acknowledge.

Then just one day out of the blue, I texted her. I was so frank I surprised myself. I told her to stop hiding from me. Just stop trying to brave everything when you cannot breathe and you live in constant fear and unhappiness.

Please strip yourself down when you are with me.
Bare your soul as I do with you.
I will not judge you.
You are so close to my heart.
Have no shame with me because I embrace you as I have always felt with you.
Shame is what you hide and I hide nothing from you.

This October would be 10 years since we spoke to each other. It has been that long. This tiny little girl still keeps jovial when we meet. But I want her to have that space where she can breakdown, be angry, be upset, be enraged and emote as free spirited as she always wanted and deserve to have.

I miss her presence. But I know I cannot push her. These complicated feelings and conditions need time. If there were those who stood by me to see me unravel and crack-addict like wavering in me for so over 30 years before the divorce, if God is willing, I shall do the same for her.

If only she has the push to embracing and taking control over her life that she has little of.

She is in my thoughts. I pray that she will be happy.