Crack

Have you ever felt so down that you crack a little, but not broken?

The sense of rejection that I hate.

How does this spin around? How dimensional my emotions can be to feed the need of my multiple blogs with multiple identity in full anonymity? Why is the need to multiple things when they cannot be maintained, but often sought back for solace? Why the questions? Just questionably me, the INFJ. It puts you off feeling not normal at one point. So this is the one point down.

This headache.
This no desire to push one's self.
This dallying of time.
This brain that has no connection.
This fogginess is relentless as it had been here for days.
This arching pain must stop.

I haven't been feeling so alone for a long time. The courage to push was greater when it was before. It feels like I am floating in water of a coven looking outward into the sun and greater water. I feel the sensation. Bobbing up and down in the sea. Fresh water it seems. Just that, nothing else.

Photo was Googled

The truth is...
I need space.
I am needing to run.
I need comfort.
I need appreciation.

So I will.

Much Needed Sanity

I realized that I was sinking my own ship into the shallow waters.  I tend to do that.  Getting overboard over nothing just because it feels vacant inside although it is not.  Senselessly telling myself that I am bored, with nothingness; when it is truly that I need to have some emotional turmoil to get me through the day to be able to feel something.  That was what I was accustomed to.  Being numb.

There are a few friends going through that - being numb.  But they are whiners.  They seem stuck.  But they too seem like they are not progressing.  However, I have decided to have no concern in them as they keep whining and do nothing about what bothers them.  It is their life to deal with.  It is not mine.  Until they decide about dealing with it, then it is another stage for them.

Weather has been bad here.  The haze is everywhere.  Schools closed with exams due in two weeks and unable to cover a few syllabus towards exam date.  It has been a month.  And kids with respiratory problems are advised to be home even when the schools are open.  I send them alternately.  Like two days, then break.  They need school.  But they also need to keep healthy.  Then again, the schools closing and opening are about that duration too.  No difference whatsoever then.

Work has been emotional.  I have been angry most of the time.  Yes, angry.  Angered by the complacency, no cooperation, no compassion, no sincerity, no transparency, no information, no information and no information.  

Today, I have decided to keep myself sane.  I do have a few datelines today.  Therefore I shall go now and make myself a cup of coffee, though still undecided to go black or play on with the 3-in-1 sachet.  Get something sweet, something savoury.  Oh I really wish I could get a cinnamon bun right now.  Or pastry oozing with cheese.  Or that ultimate lifesaving feeling for me - mixed salad rounded by feta cheese.  

My ultimate hotel getaway:  When the breakfast buffet serves a bunch of cheese, wholesome salad range, Italian dressing, olive oil, sausages, cold cuts and 'everything on it' omelet.  

I shall go away with my dirty cup now to the pantry, letting that salad drowned in feta cheese feeling remain in my throat.

Credit: Found on Google following this URL

Then probably continue with burying my feet beneath the sands as the waves brakes.  

Much need sanity.

Thank you.

What is this life?

What is this life?  

I find myself asking this blankly facing the computer this morning.  Pissed off a few buttons on myself for having encounter such behaviour of self-mismanagement of other people.  Does this statement make any sense to you at all?  How else do I explain it to you?  I don't know.  I'm just thankful for all the hypertension pills swallowed this morning that I don't feel jumpy or just completely lose it.

Although I almost did.

To give instruction without proper direction just pisses me.

When you are being so insincere and calculative, also pisses me off.

Especially when you are inconsiderate with other people's time.

And why am I still here anyway?

Pffft.

Reality Bites in the Arse

Truth be told I woke up weaving in and out of sleep literally being awake and sleeping 20-30 minutes each time, throughout this morning.  So I developed a headache.  Or perhaps I was weaving sleep because I had headache.  

So I tried to take my time getting ready for work.  I bathed and cleaned every nook and cranny of by body.  Then looking at self, I actually attempted to come to work without bra on today.  Well, I put the bra-singlet thing on and felt comfortable in it.  But there was a "WTF?!" moment and so I came to the office in a proper bra on.

I am still having headaches through the morning.  It has been quite a stressful day that I have not been getting much done where instead I would weave through the internet for some self-distraction, which really does me a lot of good, actually.  Err.  At least that is what I think.  

And so.  Reality bites in the arse.  Sometimes, a certain scent, or feeling or moment would pull me back to where I was a few years ago.  This morning I drifted into the memory when he made arrangements for household packing for us to move back into my parents' - when he knew he had no intention of moving back with me and the kids.  And that piece of memory waved of as I said, "OK" and moved myself upstairs to get ready.  

I am at a better place now.

Although the arse is hurting again when I see faces of people who reminds me of the stuffs I need to get going today.  

Too many loads today.  And I am slowly putting my head back into my shell as I resist, tongue-biting myself, finger-restraining myself, from sincerely lashing back to these groups who are self-absorbed. I never get why some people just like stealing someone else's thunder and does it so without compassion.  So very self-absorbed.

Haih.

Another self-distraction, I found a mushroom soup recipe, Jamie Oliver style.  Reminds me when I my eldest was about 2 years old.  We went into the bookshop and I showed him Jamie's cooking book and went, "Look at Uncle Jamie!" and everyone around us went curious and kept looking back at us. It was unintentional for it to sound that way.  But I just referred to everyone one else as uncles and aunts with him.

Anyhoo...  Here is the link to MUSHROOM SOUP by Jamie Oliver.

Looks good ain't it?

Smallness

I am 3-hours away from home. With bleeping headache after driving with the kids to the destination. And belly full after being overfed by the family who lives in the room below us.

Silently I am suffering from toothache. Every other part of the day, it will gnaw my gum and make my ear and head ache. Not that when I mention about it, anyone would care. But many seem to feel it as I post it on the social network status. If only there is any dental clinic that opens on Christmas.

No mood. Perhaps it is the toothache. Maybe I am feeling ill. But this overfed bloaty moody woman is not feeling right. She is being ignored and expected. Sacrificing the days that she could embrace to coffee with friends; yet she is here. However, her mood pours down south because she is feeling that she is pushing her friends away without her knowing; although she has not done anything. All of them are constantly occupied with something. And she feels rejection and smallness.

This is what gets to you. No mood means no sincere smile is available on my face. I keep cleaning up but it keeps getting messy. Packing for 4 and keeping it neat and then repacking - and ignored... I am OFFLINE.

'She envisions herself tucked safely in the belly comfort of the cafe. Warm mug of black coffee and a pack of cigarettes.

She takes a long drag as she pulls the book she bought for herself a week ago. Loosen her flats off, she lifts her legs onto the chair and she takes a sip of her coffee.'

There is no doubt that SHE, is feeling lonely. Especially when this woman is not getting the cigarette she asked from him just to soothe this uncomfortable belly down from all the spices.

I know so.

Funny how the hours spent in the office yesterday, felt like I was ready to leave. The feeling of separation. Goodbye. Perhaps I am dying.

But then again, maybe I AM about to get my menses. Just because I often feel like I am dying each time before I menstruate.

This Too Shall Pass

My stomach feels icky.  Probably I had too many icks this morning.  Too much that my mood swings south and perhaps that could be the reason why I am eyelids are getting heavy.

Okay, here is one truth of the day:

Life gets easier when you are able to let go of the pass.  To let go, requires a process.  To process is being able to adapt.  So it will take time.  It will require inner strength.  But it will free you.  You will know this when you get there.
Just learn to love yourself more. 

And the truth is visible for me today.  I can see my stomach bloating of air.  Wonder why I am not up there flying like a hot air balloon right now.  Ugh.

Sunlight City of Impeccable Sweet and Horror

It is Tuesday morning in sunlight city of impeccable sweet and horror.  This is not usually the case but it just feels this way this morning.  

Have you had time being stuck with stubborn people who also choose to be ignorant at the same time?  The same, having to be in the environment where people talk without having their sentences finish and expect others to understand (which amazingly is understandable; but maybe I am so smart that I get to finish their sentences for them); that goes beyond sentences.  This means having their actions and executions the same cliff hanger drop as they speak.  ...while the other wait for them to fall out... *crick crick crick*

So okay.  Fine if you want to do all that.  But not when making an appointment please...  And double calling people?  Like, if the communication is that you both will be in touch again within 15 minutes to see if both schedules can be adjusted to match, somebody who was there when I called the other party, calls the other party again within that 15 minutes' duration without me knowing.  And then when following up the earlier call, you are told that it has been adjusted and conveyed to the person who made the secret call to that person - you are not told by that freaky shadow of who-you-not-know-of.  Why?  

Yes.  I am frustrated at this point of time.  I am also tired most of the time.  Physically tired.  In the end, TV seems more enticing than affectionate intercourse.  Which has been happening.  Quite frequently.  

So that is what is current: All talk but crappy actions and reception.  

Can someone please press the irk siren button?

#majorirk