Flustered and frustrated.

I feel like the weight of the world is foggy. It's foggy everywhere. Flustered and frustrated. 

Literally feeling I'm at the edge of a cliff. Just waiting for an emotion to come, take a grasp of me, and tell me what it is so it can tell me where I need to go. Swim in the colourful emotions that smell of raspberry and bubblegum, streaking in rainbow stripes. 

My off days have been applied and cancelled for the past three weeks. Not that I wasn't allowed to leave office. More to I haven't been allowed to plan anything personal to take the leave for. We have been outnumbered by all other things which leaves us with lesser to spend on physical surrounding and actual time.

Here I am listening to the instrumental music on Spotify called The Last Hour of Loneliness by Elba (that I find the title is ironic). The commotion of sudden shifting of organisation that means shifting of people from different floors, just to make the beginning of the year ready for new year's work. I was also thrown into the commotion for no direct reason and then followed up about that, and about unrelated things with long rantings that just snapped a vein in my head just to hold my breath in.

I am of little patience right now. 

Gently reminded of the cousin I love. She came yesterday. And I now wonder if I too have bipolar. This sense of soft ground in cloudy gray with lights on the clouds by it's gray from where I sit. But mine has blotches of yellow, pink, purple blue lights that come through. Perhaps I'm not there where she is. It is just that I understand her.

I need cigarettes. 

Low

I wonder if I will ever sync all the blogs I have to be one. It would be very daunting I think. Not think, I feel. For me. Because the emotional dimension will be in so many angles and seeing or feeling the structures and emotions of going forwards and backwards all at the same time... Further, for a total of many many years. So so so daunting.

Motivation is low. My mind is working slow pacing jog or more like walking. This morning stroll in park somewhere cold and dewy at this time of the morning. Just some where foreign. Being the one there instead of being the one constantly planning for someone else.

I do want to ignore some memories. I also realize that my way of thinking and analyzing now is more sporadic than ever and I don't care. I don't appreciate myself being stressed out for whatever reason just because I don't need to be and I don't deserve to stress over things. I'm still improving in that area.

There was a time I knew someone who is constantly happy and pleasant. Everyone wanted to be friends with me, just so they could be her friend. It was sad. For me. I couldn't define what was going on but it made me feel worthless that built resentment. Took me years to realize that I'm not ever meant to have many friends. I only saw it as a non-friend-able person. Unworthy. And I keep going back there to punish myself on being a quality friend and how to make people like you. In the end, I become self-centred because I had no one else to discuss about myself. So I'd out-speak about me with whoever I meet, making me even more self-centred. Because nobody cared about how I feel.

Wow. Writing this is painful.

Give me a papercup of hot coffee in my gloved hands. Let me breathe in the autumn air. Grace me a bench for me to sit in the the middle of park to watch the leaves go brown. I love my autumn coloured knee length leather boots. I look good in all olive and gracefulness of the browning leaves. I embrace the coming of September. Just close my eyes and feel the warmth of his face against mine. Feel the warmth of his hug on mine.

This feels secure. And happy. I like this. I like this very much.

Perspective of Home

This morning Phillip Phillips' song came on. I've always loved that song. It triggers the membrane for some awesome journey in life I had somehow. Telling wounded souls that they'll be fine and just bear with me so we can heal together. But then somewhere in the song, I felt broken.

Home, the title of this song, came into air in the late 2012 and early 2013. I was so hopeful to keep him in me. Him. The X. Then. Funny how after so many years all these memories still come to haunt me and make me feel broken like a wave hitting the rocks, and the rock that holds all the other rocks in the sea, breaks in the bottom. Yes, that is exactly how it feels. Broken beneath the sea. A place where no one can see or feel. 

I pushed myself to sing the song again, line by line. The crack ran deeper. I decide to stop the cracking and changed my own perspective. The song was about telling MYSELF to bring MYSELF home - which I did, and therefore blessed and thankful for.

Funny ain't it how smell, sight and sound can make or break your day? 

But then again, you too can make the change by turning into a different degree of your perspective. Only sometimes, you need time to gage and find ways how to bring yourself out of the waters. 

Funny too how in current times, nothing else is affected. It's just my brain calling. Emotional growth. Emotional range and understanding of how far I've expanded, experienced, learned, grown and healed.

Like how it is said, God will not test you for something you cannot carry.

It was never a lie.

The State of Being

Dear Self,

In the spirit of INFJ, I have shared my life's story with Ms Brown. The love, the loathing, the resentments that Ms Brown takes into her one by one.  She is one segmental chick whose brain is sorted out just like how I think.  Everything has to in precision, being practical, having space for possibilities; just like a woman who dons the white coat and sits in the lab, understanding possibilities to assimilate answers.

My spouse seems to be slowly assimilating me into his life as I slowly open up to the first few layers of who I am.  Truth be told, I don't ever know if anyone can really know or understand who I am until they are able to.  And I have no explanation to this statement. Although he tells me now I babble things that will stress me out.  And actually, no.  It's just simple stuffs that I kind of picked up along the way in those garbage bins in my head that seemed timely and appropriately just right to declutter.

Getting back to Ms Brown, she tells me how strong of a person she thought I was when I going through some troubled times.  In her eyes she saw me just placid and calm and I understood what everything meant.  And I thrived pacing into separation, while sitting in the court getting down with the divorce and being an independent person with three little kids.

Truth be told, no, I didn't know. But I understood my environment. And I knew him. I understood him.

Ms Brown said, she never did realize on understanding who her soon to be ex-spouse was. I cannot deny that I'm super complex.  But I saw a little boy in front of me.  I understood his intentions, his heart, his every core of being.

While sitting in court before the marriage was dissolved, I told him:

"You have always carried out what was expected of you. You have always tried to please people, and carry out what they want. You have done this all your life that you don't know what you need, what you want; for yourself. So go, I allow you to go, to be single and figure out what it is you need and have always wanted. Go explore and enjoy life. Be overly happy, and be overly hurt. Be on that journey to find out who you are. And if you're ready to come back, we'll talk about it when the time comes."

For me, it is possibly easy. For others, it may not. People are built differently. So much as such that I am able to think for other people, but I cannot think when the problem is immediately mine. 

It's just funny how life is.

And Dear Ms Brown, I have never received such big compliment before as you say all that you did with all sincerity and glassy eyes that you tried so hard to refrain from pouring. I have never in my life embraced this compliment and felt like I have made a difference and accomplished in life. It is an emotional growth. I know this sense of maturity is priceless. 

The Purpose

Truth be told that I have been feeling quite far from God.  I have not been praying and being thankful to what has been given for me to get through this life.  So this emptiness has been jostling my mind and messing up my heart.

So last night I prayed.  I asked for forgiveness and spoke to Him as a friend.  

I have lost the sense of purpose, the sense of wanting to make change and attending work willingly; how I used to love it although my working environment was breaking me bad.  I hope He would return back to me this sense of purpose.  This need for me to fix something.  Or to know that I have done something good to give out of myself.

Then call after call I received this morning.  These were calls of friends reaching the stage of divorce due in court next week.  I feel satisfied when I talk to them with a full heart.  Being able to empower and enable them to see the whole situation the other way round.  Learn to be independent and learn to be fearless.  

Less than an hour after, another called on a complicated beachy friendship issue and I approached the same way.  Leave it when it is toxic.  You don't need toxic waste in your bedroom.  Take it out.  Just trash it, and never to turn back.

While on the phone with the second call, I bumped into another person who is also undergoing the stages of separation whom I haven't seen for almost a month.  So I went up to see her through when I finished with the phone call.  

She is a beautiful person who has gone through a rough time.  Many times before, she couldn't understand what I tried to explain in the ways of the heart how it feels like being able to rely on your own self or going on a date with yourself.  And I am glad that she has been able to see what I have experienced as I grew out the separation stresses.  Now she tells me that she feels empowered with this: 

"To learn that I am the only person who can complete ME; and if another person comes by, it is only for he to complement ME!"

It is the most free feeling.  Fearless.  Beautiful.  Embrace.  Forgive.  Let go.  Resurface.

I personally love each and every one of your beautiful soul.  It takes courage to leave.  It takes courage to move forward.  It takes courage to embrace your own flaws.  This is the ultimate empowerment.  Especially when you are able to forgive yourself.

Simply, absolutely, beautiful.

Thought by Itself

I forgot about how free I feel writing here.  So here goes.

From wearing the heart on sleeve and finger tips and eyes and swelling heart, period came sometime last night.  All for the rants' worth of it.  The period came.  But this is no sudden thing.  I am emotionally sensitive that no amount of period will make it different than days without blood pouring out of my vagina.  Okay.  I just sounded psychopathic worthy.  That's not good.

And after having mentioned of being a discard, her birthday is today - so yeay to halting self into a 15-minute passive aggressive composition attempt to wishing her happy birthday.  Okay, I lied.  The 20 seconds quick judgement just brought me from 1980s straight to right now.  So it was a lifetime's worthy of scan that brought to just a 'Happy Birthday and may you be blessed always'.  

Googled HERE

Okay now I feel bad because she responded praying the same for me.  And how does this make me feel like crap?  Complete turnover.  

Then in the mean time, I have gone off to poop, forgetting that I had eaten 1/3 tub of prunes and a mug of coffee (hence the pooping), cleaned the pantry sink, took warm water, then turned it into black coffee and list long of stuffs that was Googled randomly that brought me back to INFJ.

Oh how this personality discovery has opened me to embrace this.  I am not crazy!  I don't have any disorder.  I'm just 1-3% of the world's population!

"2. They respond to your emotions. INFJs may be great listeners, but no matter what you say to them, they are more apt to respond to your emotions than to your words. If you are going on about a problem in your life, your INFJ partner may not seem interested in offering a solution but will jump right into helping you process how you feel about the situation. What starts as a brainstorming event to you may quickly turn into what seems like a therapy session."

Excerpt from "Jennifer Soldner: 5 Signs You Are in a Relationship with an INFJ"

Yes, this could be the reason why many are intrigued about what I have to say.  They like the self-mystery.  But some won't do the work to mend their own floors, walls and windows of their own being.  They have to fix those things, because obviously it is not me who is living their lives.  No such thing to contracting others to do it for you.

And the brain jumps back to work.  The procrastination.  No - the little bit of diversion to gage a whole lot of concentration after this.

I sound sad.  Haha.

But at least now I'm laughing through it.

I am victorious.

...err... After allowing self to drop face down for 5 hours because the remote won't switch the TV on when I press the red button.

(Yeah, I am sad.)

Head Menopause

How long have I dwell in this feeling that the ones that I like, don't like me; whilst the ones I can't stand, just wants to stick like glue?

Intriguing how each time I do want to speak to her, I fear of rejection.  Shoved off.  Silence.  All those that makes you feel worthless.  The very thing that Scorpions are so good at.  That.  It's sad for me, just plain sad, at the same time.  I keep wondering what is it about this relationship that I'm still stuck on, like what am I looking forward to?  What is it that I hope from it?  What is that I expect from her?

Our lives are built differently.  I know that she is meant to help people with big emotional upheaval kind of thing, and she leaves when things are better.  That is the story of her life cycle.  She is meant to appear in your life to help you through roughness of life.  When I was going through crap of uber nastiness that turned my life upside down for an intense 3 years, it was so easy to see, go out and connect with her.  When things turned out for the better, we saw each other lesser and communicated lesser.  But then I seem to have begun offending her.  She stopped responding to my messages altogether.  She stopped liking anything I posted online.  And eventually, I did the same.  Just because I feel hurt and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  And she would know that and will not give you credit for it - because, why would she? 

But truth be told, I try to reconnect with her on many levels.  I tried so hard that I began overthinking and each time the attempts seem to have worsen whatever it was that we had.  

So, this evening, light heartedly I thought: 

Hey, I could tell her that I've discovered my 4-Letter personality that is intriguing for me, and it feels like home each time I get into articles about it.  And I'm just sharing it with you coz it's interesting and relateable with the stuffs that we talked about before.

I ended the text dismissing myself that I don't expect for her to respond the message.  Which is sad because I just realised that I had subconsciously done that to buffer my own heart from being hurt from being disengaged from her life.

Aih.  Now I really feel like some idiotic crap trying to have this split in between invisible, appearing, teleporting and leaping into a different time zone altogether.

I feel like crap now that I've lost it altogether.

The message when through with two green ticks but no response. 

(Pause)

I am crap.  So I shall lay on the ground and stay still until something happens to that would make me want to move or do something.

A Little Dose of Life's Benadryl

I am, as person, like a dose of Benadryl.  It's either you get a strong dose of the medicine, the medicine is ignored or it will put you to sleep.

Yes, sincerely and truthfully, I am an extremely boring person.  I don't even post photos and write only when I feel like it.  And I actually have more than 3 blogs that is random to fit what I feel at that time of writing.  When I am almost pure to myself, I communicate in English.  Maybe that's why I am more direct as a person.  Like, if you are sick and just sitting there looking at me, I will offer you come medicine.  I give as you need.  But if you need higher dosage, I will increase it as it should.

But here's the thing.  Not everyone can see, face or understand what they think they are facing because judgement and own personal strength (weak or egoistic) clouds and overwhelms them.  So if the area is familiar, I will help to guide you.  But you will need to get through the stormy seas yourself.  Bikos no one else can do that for you.  The sea is your own emotions and the ship is your own being.

The ride will be rougher when you start complaining about the things that makes your ship rocky and start blaming everybody else on the weather, the rocks, the birds that poop on your ship among every other thing.  

Then I question:  

1. Do you want to get through this storm, or do you want to stay there and just blame everything else? 

My support: I listen, filter and sift through nonsense and shortcuts.  I will tell you what I assess through, quite straightforward.

2. Don't you want to see what is broken on your ship that is making you feel impaired to move?

My support: We approach it depending on your behavioural feedback. The more your struggle, the more direct my responses be.  We don't need laces and vibrant paint colours to fix the ship.  We need wood, panels, nails and hammers.  Nobody said this process is easy.  But I will help support you.

3. Let us identify what is broken and we get it fixed. 

My support: But I'm not on the ship.  You are.  I will help guide you so you know how to fix yourself the next time around and be proud of this knowledge. 

I am sorry that I'm not diplomatic.  Whenever I try, it becomes something else tiresome because it doesn't fix the problem.  It only buffers it and may divert to turn into another problem, or a whole length of it.

It takes years to undo self, and years to learn/implement new habits.  It takes a lot to ACCEPT and EMBRACE yourself.  To FORGIVE self, and accept your self-flaws.  To FORGIVE everyone else that has come across your path.  I never said this was an easy.  But you've got to stop blaming other people for your own life's failure.  You always have an option to get help.  But be sincere in wanting to change.  Identifying what to change.  And making effort to improve your life.

This is just how I feel.

This is just something from me.

If only some people are able to see the views of other people instead of blaming how wrong and negative people who are trying to help you.  

There is no such things as coincidence.  God puts the right people in your path, for you.

Much Needed Sanity

I realized that I was sinking my own ship into the shallow waters.  I tend to do that.  Getting overboard over nothing just because it feels vacant inside although it is not.  Senselessly telling myself that I am bored, with nothingness; when it is truly that I need to have some emotional turmoil to get me through the day to be able to feel something.  That was what I was accustomed to.  Being numb.

There are a few friends going through that - being numb.  But they are whiners.  They seem stuck.  But they too seem like they are not progressing.  However, I have decided to have no concern in them as they keep whining and do nothing about what bothers them.  It is their life to deal with.  It is not mine.  Until they decide about dealing with it, then it is another stage for them.

Weather has been bad here.  The haze is everywhere.  Schools closed with exams due in two weeks and unable to cover a few syllabus towards exam date.  It has been a month.  And kids with respiratory problems are advised to be home even when the schools are open.  I send them alternately.  Like two days, then break.  They need school.  But they also need to keep healthy.  Then again, the schools closing and opening are about that duration too.  No difference whatsoever then.

Work has been emotional.  I have been angry most of the time.  Yes, angry.  Angered by the complacency, no cooperation, no compassion, no sincerity, no transparency, no information, no information and no information.  

Today, I have decided to keep myself sane.  I do have a few datelines today.  Therefore I shall go now and make myself a cup of coffee, though still undecided to go black or play on with the 3-in-1 sachet.  Get something sweet, something savoury.  Oh I really wish I could get a cinnamon bun right now.  Or pastry oozing with cheese.  Or that ultimate lifesaving feeling for me - mixed salad rounded by feta cheese.  

My ultimate hotel getaway:  When the breakfast buffet serves a bunch of cheese, wholesome salad range, Italian dressing, olive oil, sausages, cold cuts and 'everything on it' omelet.  

I shall go away with my dirty cup now to the pantry, letting that salad drowned in feta cheese feeling remain in my throat.

Credit: Found on Google following this URL

Then probably continue with burying my feet beneath the sands as the waves brakes.  

Much need sanity.

Thank you.

Delusional

With all the delusions in my head, I get myself into a head cramp first, and heart cramp later.  The things I do to myself.  Do I personally loath that I am an over critical self heart mutilating person and head full of sarcasm over writing and lip syncing for whatever I can see through my eyes?  Indeed.

I backfire myself. 

Need to word vomit. 

No.

Just vomit all the words out so I can see clearly and empty whatever is in my head, then my heart. All the tantamount of emotions is just too much.

Too too much for me right now.  And my brain is completely switching on its sarcasm auto-mode. 

Haih.  Just because of the emotional overload. 

Now I feel like a very very very bad person.

But then again, probably not. Hahahaha. Oh the bi(a)tch that I can be.

Me Myself and I

I somehow am feeling quite pissed today.  Been feeling this light-weighted feel (or what at least I try to make it be) of human connection that I slay from time to time, with some of the longest people I have known.  Am I the bi(a)tch or are they?  

Fine.  They have always been they way they are.  But just because they are, that doesn't mean I haven't been.  And goodness me, I am pissed because they feel that I deserve them so.  Well okay. Maybe it is God's way of telling me that I have gone overboard of late. But I have also been struggling with how to revive the friendship that is slowly dying.  And letting go of friendships that shouldn't be as you see photos of them with their new circle of friends circulating in the Internet.

I am humbled in this case.  But the emotions around me has been going crazy loopy all over from family to family.  Seriously loopy just keeping myself sane for all questions that I have been holding back from my own family.  And withholding my tongue (fingers, actually) from serial typing over people who are so desperate for attention that they keep interrupting other people's conversation with unrelated posters.  But I did let one out.  And all have since acted cowardice whenever I say something in the chat group.

Let alone be the day at work where all those who annoy me annoys me.  

Grr.

Reality Bites in the Arse

Truth be told I woke up weaving in and out of sleep literally being awake and sleeping 20-30 minutes each time, throughout this morning.  So I developed a headache.  Or perhaps I was weaving sleep because I had headache.  

So I tried to take my time getting ready for work.  I bathed and cleaned every nook and cranny of by body.  Then looking at self, I actually attempted to come to work without bra on today.  Well, I put the bra-singlet thing on and felt comfortable in it.  But there was a "WTF?!" moment and so I came to the office in a proper bra on.

I am still having headaches through the morning.  It has been quite a stressful day that I have not been getting much done where instead I would weave through the internet for some self-distraction, which really does me a lot of good, actually.  Err.  At least that is what I think.  

And so.  Reality bites in the arse.  Sometimes, a certain scent, or feeling or moment would pull me back to where I was a few years ago.  This morning I drifted into the memory when he made arrangements for household packing for us to move back into my parents' - when he knew he had no intention of moving back with me and the kids.  And that piece of memory waved of as I said, "OK" and moved myself upstairs to get ready.  

I am at a better place now.

Although the arse is hurting again when I see faces of people who reminds me of the stuffs I need to get going today.  

Too many loads today.  And I am slowly putting my head back into my shell as I resist, tongue-biting myself, finger-restraining myself, from sincerely lashing back to these groups who are self-absorbed. I never get why some people just like stealing someone else's thunder and does it so without compassion.  So very self-absorbed.

Haih.

Another self-distraction, I found a mushroom soup recipe, Jamie Oliver style.  Reminds me when I my eldest was about 2 years old.  We went into the bookshop and I showed him Jamie's cooking book and went, "Look at Uncle Jamie!" and everyone around us went curious and kept looking back at us. It was unintentional for it to sound that way.  But I just referred to everyone one else as uncles and aunts with him.

Anyhoo...  Here is the link to MUSHROOM SOUP by Jamie Oliver.

Looks good ain't it?

Self Resentment

What is love?  

Love is perhaps waiting for Scrabble to patiently load into your mobile and it has been more than 2 attempt of reloading and more than 3 minutes of waiting.  That is how patient we all are - only for 3 minutes.  And I am feeling impatient about it by minute.  Oh well.  Let us just shut the damn thing off.  Ugh.  Pffft.  How sad is that?

We used to wait 14-30 days for an international letter from our pen pal.  Or half a day lounging about the house, just waiting for a boyfriend's phone call made from the public phone.  And cards.  All sorts of greeting cards.  Throughout the weather.  And rundown letters from the rain.  Not bills.  Real heartfelt letters.

But I am in boredom as I celebrate alone by myself on all little tiny achievements.  

Why am I enthralled to these things?  So drawn to this weirdness that can be so sorry to self instead of simple awesomeness.  

At this point of time, I really pity myself.

This Roller Coaster Ride

After a few hours away from the first post, I have calm to my hypertension pills that I had forgotten to take this morning.  I have walked myself to from block to block getting back to my workstation with a gentle taste of Magnum in my mouth.  With long breaths and a sit down after some light snack now I remember what triggered my whole emotional roller bleeping coaster.

When I began with this place, I supported the top layer of management.  And after some ordeal I had to settle with for the past few years, I am now at the bottom.  Truthfully I am thankful that I do not take things personal, just the same that I execute my work as it should and do not try to make things difficult when carrying them out from Day 1.  

Hitting rock bottom was meant to happen.  Rock bottom with the job, and rock bottom with the marriage that went with most of the people I call family and friends.  But I got out of the crap that I stayed intensely for approximately 3 years.  It was not beautiful then.  However, getting out of it is considered as victorious as time goes by.

Today I met one of the support people with whom I have worked with from a long time back.  And I feel somewhat angered that at that one moment, she looked down on me.  The people whom were the the lower support team are now above me.  Just because someone berated me for things that were too many for me to do and keep them at the standard that both she and I wanted.  One thing is for sure, I do know that I did a good job at my end.  Who cares about what she thinks of me?  She cannot eat back on her words and her own actions now.  For she has since employed two other staffs to do my one job and paying more than double of what the company was paying for me, under par. 

I chose to leave as I was not being treated fairly.  So dear self, please calm yourself down.  You are allowed to cry your losses.  But you should celebrate what you have then achieved.

Getting out of the dull aching situation, you were able to learn who you were and what you wanted. You regained your self-confidence.  And you found true love again.  With this new working environment, you leave on time and have more time to make the children happy, the same to be able to run around for their extra classes and time for yourself.  So open your eyes and see the things that you have now.  No more brain messes after work and over the weekend as well as holidays.  You should be grateful my dear.

And I am.

Self Affair

This is one of the lowest points of my weeks. Aside of having waiting for my extremely delayed period due to PCOS, I have been extremely irritated to the fact that I have been moody and resenting this body.  Then finally the bad blood expels itself out recently to which I am absolutely grateful for, when I was away with my family for a short holiday.

On this day, I see pictures of me flying around in the Family Chat Group.  I am not photogenic.  Yes. I have always known that. But the weight and water retention that I had absorbed during this time while waiting for the period has given me an uglier face.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.

I makes me think why in the world did he remarry me?  How can you appreciate the woman who repeats herself the same through both marriages?  And absolutely, why do I do this to myself?  Do I really need to self-punish me this way?  

But seriously, I feel ugly inside out.

And I also hate this arrogant bastard in the office who is arrogant.  There are in fact, two of them.  

I may be going on this self-loath/hate/troubled feeling rampage throughout the day.  So I may as well just let myself vomit my feelings out in here.  

Can I cry now?

The Ignorance in Me

There is this pit of sadness in me.  Of how ignorant I had been onto my own child.

The changes I faces and the challenges that came with them made me lose out so much on my eldest child.  I had hoped for him to be able to manage himself.  But I had forgotten that he is still dependent on me.  And I expected him to go off all alone when it was he who needed me.  

So I went out with a friend I had not met over a year.  Left the kids at home and when I came back, homework was strewn from the bed down onto the floor with them half sleeping.  It felt like a wreck eyesight.  

I went through his books and found nothing in them.  In his bag was full of exam results with Cs all over.  Truthfully I do not expect much from results.  But I expected content in his exercise books.  All of them had titles but zero input.  They were either scribbles of no meaning or no presence of words, numbers or anything else to fill in between the lines of the books.  It made me feel empty. Speechless in my heart.  Speechless in my brain.  Speechless within myself entirely.

I keep telling him to not disappoint himself by his own actions i.e. not finishing homework and other things important.  But yet there I was gravely disappointed with myself.

Counting the days to the nationwide examination in his form in September, I know not what to do. This is too, a learning process for me.  So I shall take it one step at a time...

Credit: via Google Search

...by checking his bags on daily basis - whether or not I am up to it or not.

A Silent Spectator

Life has been buzzing by as I sit there and stare on my outlook with eyes glazed.  Sometimes it feels that way.  Perhaps that stone feeling stays there 50 percent of the time.  Or I just feel that way inside as no smile freezes on my face.  

I have been feeling suspended in the air for the past week. Just suspended there.  And nothing else except darkness and what I saw were shades of darkness that looms in the eyesight.  How does it get to there?  I could not even phantom how my skeptical look sees and times out that way.  My father has always told me that I cannot work with other people as my idealism is such that it may not give frame for other people to work on.  Perhaps.  As in my eyes, there were so many chances given that people in the end, takes her for granted before she cracks.

How do I stop feeling like a life's spectator?  I zone in and out automatically. At least I do not do it most of the time as last.  Perhaps the frequency has reduced. And I check into reality more often. But somehow I find myself flailing when he is not by my side.  Like one side rear view mirror is missing so losing hold perspective sometimes happen.

This is the outlook for me today.

I do not need a physical hug from him.  But him telling me that he misses me, would make me feel balanced somehow.  Because I need a little balance today.

The Fall from the Burj

There was last year's best songs music award live telecast last night. We watched. I knew I tried getting tickets to attend at the venue. But we did not manage to get any this year. I did not need any the year before.  

I could still remember clearly the last that we attended. Our second child had just been discharged from the hospital after staying there for one week. Caught between motherhood feeling guilty leaving the sick behind and doing the right thing for me, I took on the latter and got myself ready for the show.  Neither of us spoke as we both got ready. He did not care to look at me. And I just went along to what I think was fine enough for him.  

The strain on the marriage begun to show. He was only present on the first night at the hospital and left the following night for the work, hours away from home. He did not try to come home to visit his son, neither did he try to answer my calls when the child needed him most. When I needed him too. He only came back when we were all safely at home, in time for the show.

So I queued for entry as he went to park the car. His brother and his wife came waddling behind me, joining the show, and joined me in line. And then I found him further behind. Much further behind, out of line, by the borders of the sidewalk with a phone on his cheek smiling and laughing as he spoke. Something that I had not seen him do for me of late, at the time. I did not have anything to say to him. I was hurt and disappointed. Beyond words. When he joined us, he was vacant. My presence bothered him. It was not me who was spacing out. And so I told myself that I was going to let me go and enjoy this show.

I envied the relationship that his brothers had with their wives. They were so free. One could shout all her might openly and not get schooled by anyone in the family, as he. One would snuggle and tease hers as he did with she where everyone else would join in the laughter. One was so quick to do things that you could see her husband just there to pick up what she missed out. They all did not have emotional barrier with their spouses. Something what he and I did not have.

At that point of the live show telecast where we were a couple of years ago, we stood there like mannequins. This was not the man I knew by heart. Not the one who would stare at me as I lay sleeping. Not the one who would make me laugh and laugh with me. Not the one who would try to meddle with what I was doing just to make it perfect while being a nuisance. I knew he has lost appreciation for me.  

I got up and danced as the show went on. But I was partially paralyzed. It was as if my actions were embarrassing him. I did not care. I knew I needed this. And this went on until the show ended at midnight. It felt like being on top of the Burj and waiting to fall knowing the gap of fall it would take to the ground. The hollowness was hurtful. It felt like the enjoyment had gone to waste.

My laid my head against his shoulder as we watched the show last night. He tried to recollect when was the last we went for the music award. I said, "Two years ago.  But let us not talk about it. It was hurtful. You face showed disgust at the sight of me." He managed a gaggle acknowledging it before falling silent. Like a black comedy that is worth a gaggle, I snorted too. But his body remained relax, as did I. And we continued watching the show together until it ended.

Last night I fell from the Burj to let go of a memory, knowing that he would embrace me somewhere in between. And I would be ready there prepared with a parachute myself too.  

The Sidecar of Life

Googled

The school has reopened in the part of the continent.  And all three children of mine are officially off into real school from this year onward.  I have no idea if it makes me feel old.  I do not feel it so.  Just a sense of longing for the baby-ness that has gone with them growing up.  It is just that looking at other new, fresh smelling child makes me feel that that part of my life has pass.  

Changes in life is good.  So many are asking for more produce from me.  It is alright that I have decided so although babies are nice, but I am letting my husband be my baby now.  I can travel and date him without worrying about the kids when we do.  And that would be my copy paste answer to anyone asking.

During that first few years in life, I was breeding, packing, unloading, breastfeeding and cleaning.  I did not get to concentrate on me or the relationship in my marriage.  Like any other mother, you soon lose the factor of knowing what you like or even what you would like; and sex seems to fizzle out as you ironically spray breast milk all over when you have orgasm while doing it.

Having gone through the changes in my life, I feel that it is time for me to continue this quest of fulfilling self.  I do want to know what I like, what I want to discover, where I want to go, what I want to do.  And I want to experience all this with my spouse, whom would be on the one riding the motorcycle as I sit in the sidecar just discovering the open road.  Let me be free with my emotions and surprise myself (as well as he) with them each time.

I am open with him now.  Even when we squabble, I would answer now openly.  Somehow delighted that he responds to them and then we crack up in laughter; or the silent treatments that usually will not last long (unlike before).  I do not hold a grudge (or perhaps because I know God will show him to it.  Hahaha.  It has happened several times now) like how I used to.  And truthfully, it is easier to live life by letting the grudges just go.  

God put me through a year of it.  Many others go through years of it, perhaps most of their life.  This I know.  But I am thankful that He wanted to teach me lessons that I could not have learnt by myself, even by observation - Letting go.  Clearing my emotions.  To communicate what I emote.  To break down my walls.  To be free.  And most of all, to be thankful.  

Truly, I am thankful.

   

Recollecting Memories

I have been flooded by memories from the past. They come in nonchalantly and without warning leaving gaps of sweetness, hurt and sorrow all at the same time. Ear plugs were stuck into my head most of hours of the days in office with me singing quietly just to shut me out from the world today. Perhaps today was meant for self-reflection.

Tones reminds me of those times he worked months away from home. The utter sorrow and loneliness of his pierced through my ear and tears just flow drop after drop. How alone and away he was from where he used to be and to where he belonged.  Other sounds brought me back to rekindling and forgiving. And I began to remember conversations that were quirky enough to make me laugh.

The night after he actually asked my hand in marriage for the second time, I only courtesy called family with whom I had direct contact with throughout the divorce. For one, my mother's older sister who seems to find me amusing. I feel a sense of freedom to be amusing whenever I speak to her at this day and age as I grow older. 

I told her, if God deems so that it would take place, I would want to celebrate it. Putting aside what my mother and husband-to-be felt that the solemnization was more important worrying about what I wanted on the day before. "But of course I want to have my own bouquet of flowers and henna on my fingers. It does not matter the fact that there are family whom object to it openly, but it would be my wedding day and therefore I will make it my wedding day," I told her as she listened intently.

You see, the objection was strong enough that I was informed that I was no longer welcome into his family. And the quietness of this was to care sensitivity of them. But after all that has happened, I still deserve to celebrate on something that is happy for me.

So I told her, "And so, I will get the bouquet tomorrow and get my nail henna done the same. At this point of life I want to be in happy as I am in happy." She applauded me.

On Saturday morning, I found a beautiful head scarf by chance at my little single budget with a friend whom I met on a whim to do laundry with. Oh I heart her dearly. We had coffee and spoke briefly about our lives before we parted. Then on Sunday night while everyone was busy with their own things, I drove myself to some outskirt florist for a simple hand bouquet that I prayed not to be too much for the next day. And as everyone else lay sleeping, I painted my fingers red.

Dressed myself and brought my bouquet to the registrar's office. And I felt beautiful the entire time. When I announced that we were now husband and wife, the first thing that my aunt asked was to share a picture of my henna and hand bouquet. Again, she applauded.

Googled

The mystery of this is that I did what I wanted to have and did not let other people's opinion hinder my spirit to celebrate that was rightful for me.

I think I did good. And I am glad I did what I did. I call it owning my own sense of ownership.