The Purpose

Truth be told that I have been feeling quite far from God.  I have not been praying and being thankful to what has been given for me to get through this life.  So this emptiness has been jostling my mind and messing up my heart.

So last night I prayed.  I asked for forgiveness and spoke to Him as a friend.  

I have lost the sense of purpose, the sense of wanting to make change and attending work willingly; how I used to love it although my working environment was breaking me bad.  I hope He would return back to me this sense of purpose.  This need for me to fix something.  Or to know that I have done something good to give out of myself.

Then call after call I received this morning.  These were calls of friends reaching the stage of divorce due in court next week.  I feel satisfied when I talk to them with a full heart.  Being able to empower and enable them to see the whole situation the other way round.  Learn to be independent and learn to be fearless.  

Less than an hour after, another called on a complicated beachy friendship issue and I approached the same way.  Leave it when it is toxic.  You don't need toxic waste in your bedroom.  Take it out.  Just trash it, and never to turn back.

While on the phone with the second call, I bumped into another person who is also undergoing the stages of separation whom I haven't seen for almost a month.  So I went up to see her through when I finished with the phone call.  

She is a beautiful person who has gone through a rough time.  Many times before, she couldn't understand what I tried to explain in the ways of the heart how it feels like being able to rely on your own self or going on a date with yourself.  And I am glad that she has been able to see what I have experienced as I grew out the separation stresses.  Now she tells me that she feels empowered with this: 

"To learn that I am the only person who can complete ME; and if another person comes by, it is only for he to complement ME!"

It is the most free feeling.  Fearless.  Beautiful.  Embrace.  Forgive.  Let go.  Resurface.

I personally love each and every one of your beautiful soul.  It takes courage to leave.  It takes courage to move forward.  It takes courage to embrace your own flaws.  This is the ultimate empowerment.  Especially when you are able to forgive yourself.

Simply, absolutely, beautiful.

This Flashback

I have been keeping myself in silo with close friends who end up listening to me vomit out my insecurities as I go through the days and feel nothing great I had done entirely throughout of it.  But the private sessions that I go about has been quite filling and great.  

Aside of the above, I have explored Wordpress for fun and found myself opening compulsively, yet another blog.  I have no idea why.  The compulsiveness and addiction to having so many.  I mean, I am aware that there so many dimensions to my feelings and the things I talk to myself about.  But after being able to identify my personality that I have struggled to understand for almost 40 years, it is just a celebration of embracing myself - yet again.

I can hear the kids screaming upstairs and me, not moving an inch of myself.  

This equation of self.  (Oh God, all that screaming of the kids!)

What I had wanted to write about was the memories that come flashing back to me.  

I remember the time during the divorce, when both he and I were in good terms after of it, the kids would sometimes come to me with the heads hung over my shoulders and thighs.  

"Mummy, we don't want you to be detached with Daddy anymore."

"Yes, Mummy, we don't want you to be broken with him."

"Please reassemble this relationship with him.  We love both of you."

Each time they say this, I felt grounded.  Not really sad, but I accepted what was fated.  I wasn't feeling angry or upset.  Just this corner the heart that rumples itself and hangs itself to dry as I tell them this:

"In our religion, divorce (in its easiest way) is said (decision) by the husband who says it with intent - then the marriage is broken.  It is he too who needs to say it with intent that he wants to denounce the divorce, not the wife (within the woman's 3 period cycle).  And it is too the one who has to say the words with intent to a marriage vow that the two combine.  At this point, it is not I who can decide for what you want.  Just ask from God of what you want and your need, and in time if it is the best thing for you, He will grant it for you.  If not, we accept that your father and I are no longer good to be husband and wife anymore - where we will remain as your parents and remain as friends with each other.  The only difference is we are no longer husband and wife."

And each time, they would keep their heads bowed down and relish my words to heart.  I am thankful that are emotionally matured although their ages then were 5, 7 and 10. 

On the day where I transparently told them that the divorce will happen, the eldest took flight when I asked him if he was alright. Eventually his aunts would find him crying in door corners and keep silent.  I told him that if he wasn't comfortable talking to me, he can speak to his aunts and uncles instead.  It would still be alright.

Then the second child took me by surprise.  I asked him how he felt.  This 7 year old boy told me he was sad, but as things were as that, we would all have to accept it and move on along.  

And the last child listened, hugged me and changes the subject.  To think that she may not understand, she did.  She did so deeply that moved me.  There she would be keeping me strong.  She was my strength then as she is still now.  We would stand at the door waving to that different man I knew as my husband (then) time after time he packs his things to leave; with tears flowing down our cheeks without a sound and then hugging each other tightly when he goes out of sight.

I have not seen my husband for 11 hours at this time.  He has traveled back to his site project this morning just before I left for work.  And my heart tugged, missing him while having dinner.

For all the times I asked God to grant me:

"If it is written that I will be remarried again in the future, please grant me a man who is kind, the one who would love me entirely so much that he appreciates, accepts me as I am and one who will love my children as his own; along side he is able to perform himself as a good husband in Your eyes. And in kindness of his soul, I pray that I will serve well as his wife, as good as he treats me where I will love his soul entirely as You permit me."

I am thankful.  For the divorce.  For the kids.  For the understanding need for change.  For me.  He is the best husband for me.

Truth be told, some things need to be broken down before it can built again.

The Silent Hurt

I have been running with memories of late.  Memories that run like slow lava across the cracks of my heart.  Maybe it pours to heal, to show the distance of how far I am now than I was before.

These memories float in as they please.

How when they dress differently can cause deep hurt inside of you.  They no longer appear to how you know them.  Even the glimmer in their eyes don't shine the same.  The cockiness or aura defies all the years of courting and marriage that you have known them.  And this person standing before you to pick up the kids you both made, is completely a whole other person that deletes all the things you know him by heart.

Lost were the days when he lets you stare at his profile and drink in the sensation of his skin.  The one who used to hate it when you try to show affection but you know that he needs.  The person of principle and knew means around only what we could only afford.  

Then looking down at my feet.  I silently felt poor in the material things that I own, while he stood there feeling full of himself.  

But what hurt more was this bitterness of how quickly you lost the person you knew for over 10 years.  No longer appear the same.  No longer smell the same.  No longer feel the same.  No longer have the same core of a person you knew by heart.

That was one of the moments that hurt. 

The silent hurt.

But I lived through it.  And rejoiced with the man who changed.  

Thought by Itself

I forgot about how free I feel writing here.  So here goes.

From wearing the heart on sleeve and finger tips and eyes and swelling heart, period came sometime last night.  All for the rants' worth of it.  The period came.  But this is no sudden thing.  I am emotionally sensitive that no amount of period will make it different than days without blood pouring out of my vagina.  Okay.  I just sounded psychopathic worthy.  That's not good.

And after having mentioned of being a discard, her birthday is today - so yeay to halting self into a 15-minute passive aggressive composition attempt to wishing her happy birthday.  Okay, I lied.  The 20 seconds quick judgement just brought me from 1980s straight to right now.  So it was a lifetime's worthy of scan that brought to just a 'Happy Birthday and may you be blessed always'.  

Googled HERE

Okay now I feel bad because she responded praying the same for me.  And how does this make me feel like crap?  Complete turnover.  

Then in the mean time, I have gone off to poop, forgetting that I had eaten 1/3 tub of prunes and a mug of coffee (hence the pooping), cleaned the pantry sink, took warm water, then turned it into black coffee and list long of stuffs that was Googled randomly that brought me back to INFJ.

Oh how this personality discovery has opened me to embrace this.  I am not crazy!  I don't have any disorder.  I'm just 1-3% of the world's population!

"2. They respond to your emotions. INFJs may be great listeners, but no matter what you say to them, they are more apt to respond to your emotions than to your words. If you are going on about a problem in your life, your INFJ partner may not seem interested in offering a solution but will jump right into helping you process how you feel about the situation. What starts as a brainstorming event to you may quickly turn into what seems like a therapy session."

Excerpt from "Jennifer Soldner: 5 Signs You Are in a Relationship with an INFJ"

Yes, this could be the reason why many are intrigued about what I have to say.  They like the self-mystery.  But some won't do the work to mend their own floors, walls and windows of their own being.  They have to fix those things, because obviously it is not me who is living their lives.  No such thing to contracting others to do it for you.

And the brain jumps back to work.  The procrastination.  No - the little bit of diversion to gage a whole lot of concentration after this.

I sound sad.  Haha.

But at least now I'm laughing through it.

I am victorious.

...err... After allowing self to drop face down for 5 hours because the remote won't switch the TV on when I press the red button.

(Yeah, I am sad.)

Head Menopause

How long have I dwell in this feeling that the ones that I like, don't like me; whilst the ones I can't stand, just wants to stick like glue?

Intriguing how each time I do want to speak to her, I fear of rejection.  Shoved off.  Silence.  All those that makes you feel worthless.  The very thing that Scorpions are so good at.  That.  It's sad for me, just plain sad, at the same time.  I keep wondering what is it about this relationship that I'm still stuck on, like what am I looking forward to?  What is it that I hope from it?  What is that I expect from her?

Our lives are built differently.  I know that she is meant to help people with big emotional upheaval kind of thing, and she leaves when things are better.  That is the story of her life cycle.  She is meant to appear in your life to help you through roughness of life.  When I was going through crap of uber nastiness that turned my life upside down for an intense 3 years, it was so easy to see, go out and connect with her.  When things turned out for the better, we saw each other lesser and communicated lesser.  But then I seem to have begun offending her.  She stopped responding to my messages altogether.  She stopped liking anything I posted online.  And eventually, I did the same.  Just because I feel hurt and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  And she would know that and will not give you credit for it - because, why would she? 

But truth be told, I try to reconnect with her on many levels.  I tried so hard that I began overthinking and each time the attempts seem to have worsen whatever it was that we had.  

So, this evening, light heartedly I thought: 

Hey, I could tell her that I've discovered my 4-Letter personality that is intriguing for me, and it feels like home each time I get into articles about it.  And I'm just sharing it with you coz it's interesting and relateable with the stuffs that we talked about before.

I ended the text dismissing myself that I don't expect for her to respond the message.  Which is sad because I just realised that I had subconsciously done that to buffer my own heart from being hurt from being disengaged from her life.

Aih.  Now I really feel like some idiotic crap trying to have this split in between invisible, appearing, teleporting and leaping into a different time zone altogether.

I feel like crap now that I've lost it altogether.

The message when through with two green ticks but no response. 

(Pause)

I am crap.  So I shall lay on the ground and stay still until something happens to that would make me want to move or do something.

A Little Dose of Life's Benadryl

I am, as person, like a dose of Benadryl.  It's either you get a strong dose of the medicine, the medicine is ignored or it will put you to sleep.

Yes, sincerely and truthfully, I am an extremely boring person.  I don't even post photos and write only when I feel like it.  And I actually have more than 3 blogs that is random to fit what I feel at that time of writing.  When I am almost pure to myself, I communicate in English.  Maybe that's why I am more direct as a person.  Like, if you are sick and just sitting there looking at me, I will offer you come medicine.  I give as you need.  But if you need higher dosage, I will increase it as it should.

But here's the thing.  Not everyone can see, face or understand what they think they are facing because judgement and own personal strength (weak or egoistic) clouds and overwhelms them.  So if the area is familiar, I will help to guide you.  But you will need to get through the stormy seas yourself.  Bikos no one else can do that for you.  The sea is your own emotions and the ship is your own being.

The ride will be rougher when you start complaining about the things that makes your ship rocky and start blaming everybody else on the weather, the rocks, the birds that poop on your ship among every other thing.  

Then I question:  

1. Do you want to get through this storm, or do you want to stay there and just blame everything else? 

My support: I listen, filter and sift through nonsense and shortcuts.  I will tell you what I assess through, quite straightforward.

2. Don't you want to see what is broken on your ship that is making you feel impaired to move?

My support: We approach it depending on your behavioural feedback. The more your struggle, the more direct my responses be.  We don't need laces and vibrant paint colours to fix the ship.  We need wood, panels, nails and hammers.  Nobody said this process is easy.  But I will help support you.

3. Let us identify what is broken and we get it fixed. 

My support: But I'm not on the ship.  You are.  I will help guide you so you know how to fix yourself the next time around and be proud of this knowledge. 

I am sorry that I'm not diplomatic.  Whenever I try, it becomes something else tiresome because it doesn't fix the problem.  It only buffers it and may divert to turn into another problem, or a whole length of it.

It takes years to undo self, and years to learn/implement new habits.  It takes a lot to ACCEPT and EMBRACE yourself.  To FORGIVE self, and accept your self-flaws.  To FORGIVE everyone else that has come across your path.  I never said this was an easy.  But you've got to stop blaming other people for your own life's failure.  You always have an option to get help.  But be sincere in wanting to change.  Identifying what to change.  And making effort to improve your life.

This is just how I feel.

This is just something from me.

If only some people are able to see the views of other people instead of blaming how wrong and negative people who are trying to help you.  

There is no such things as coincidence.  God puts the right people in your path, for you.

Much Needed Sanity

I realized that I was sinking my own ship into the shallow waters.  I tend to do that.  Getting overboard over nothing just because it feels vacant inside although it is not.  Senselessly telling myself that I am bored, with nothingness; when it is truly that I need to have some emotional turmoil to get me through the day to be able to feel something.  That was what I was accustomed to.  Being numb.

There are a few friends going through that - being numb.  But they are whiners.  They seem stuck.  But they too seem like they are not progressing.  However, I have decided to have no concern in them as they keep whining and do nothing about what bothers them.  It is their life to deal with.  It is not mine.  Until they decide about dealing with it, then it is another stage for them.

Weather has been bad here.  The haze is everywhere.  Schools closed with exams due in two weeks and unable to cover a few syllabus towards exam date.  It has been a month.  And kids with respiratory problems are advised to be home even when the schools are open.  I send them alternately.  Like two days, then break.  They need school.  But they also need to keep healthy.  Then again, the schools closing and opening are about that duration too.  No difference whatsoever then.

Work has been emotional.  I have been angry most of the time.  Yes, angry.  Angered by the complacency, no cooperation, no compassion, no sincerity, no transparency, no information, no information and no information.  

Today, I have decided to keep myself sane.  I do have a few datelines today.  Therefore I shall go now and make myself a cup of coffee, though still undecided to go black or play on with the 3-in-1 sachet.  Get something sweet, something savoury.  Oh I really wish I could get a cinnamon bun right now.  Or pastry oozing with cheese.  Or that ultimate lifesaving feeling for me - mixed salad rounded by feta cheese.  

My ultimate hotel getaway:  When the breakfast buffet serves a bunch of cheese, wholesome salad range, Italian dressing, olive oil, sausages, cold cuts and 'everything on it' omelet.  

I shall go away with my dirty cup now to the pantry, letting that salad drowned in feta cheese feeling remain in my throat.

Credit: Found on Google following this URL

Then probably continue with burying my feet beneath the sands as the waves brakes.  

Much need sanity.

Thank you.

What is this life?

What is this life?  

I find myself asking this blankly facing the computer this morning.  Pissed off a few buttons on myself for having encounter such behaviour of self-mismanagement of other people.  Does this statement make any sense to you at all?  How else do I explain it to you?  I don't know.  I'm just thankful for all the hypertension pills swallowed this morning that I don't feel jumpy or just completely lose it.

Although I almost did.

To give instruction without proper direction just pisses me.

When you are being so insincere and calculative, also pisses me off.

Especially when you are inconsiderate with other people's time.

And why am I still here anyway?

Pffft.

The Final Word

I wish I could tell you that you need to embrace all that is you, forgive you and the ones who surround you, accept them as something that you went through, let go and move on as easily as I said it.  It is not.  It is all the challenge. 

Because the worst fight, facing the ugly truth and laying the final word that you say, would be with yourself.  

Have not been best daughter.  

Have not been best daughter-in-law.

Have not been best sister.

Have not been best mother.

Have not been best wife.

These are the ranks of how I truthfully feel in order of importance.  The other day I was creeping out of the house for a smoke, and my mom heard the front door opened.  She made all her way to the front with effort and I could see that smile on her face, thinking to be greeted by my brother; where instead she saw me with this horrific tongue out face that went "BAH!" to her.  Immediately I went, "Oh dear God I have sinned" for being able to see that hurt across her face.

I keep myself to myself.  Do not appreciate people who try to manipulate or try to hijack, have control over what is within my boundary line.  No can do.  And I have been flipping my flapjacks everywhere for the past one month.  If only there is someone who can tell me what the heck is going on in me (but I think I do), tell me to stop being in denial and just start praying to God for some path to walk on.

Even days in the office has been pretty stupid for me.  Just being there staring at the web and journaling in the many blogs, rereading them, stopping over randomness; juggling pages between web chats to the other and photos.  I feel I have stuffs to do.  But the factor of D(enial) is pretty thick that it is unbearable but nothing is done.

It is like, yearning for steak when you are too full to eat and then being indecisive on whether or not it something that you want or you need or maybe you are really full or maybe you can push some more in and then regret it later.

Seriously I have know idea on what I am talking about.  Just being in absolute truth where in here is where I can truly strip myself and be one.

This is really a case of guilt with self.

Really need to get this done and over with.

Delusional

With all the delusions in my head, I get myself into a head cramp first, and heart cramp later.  The things I do to myself.  Do I personally loath that I am an over critical self heart mutilating person and head full of sarcasm over writing and lip syncing for whatever I can see through my eyes?  Indeed.

I backfire myself. 

Need to word vomit. 

No.

Just vomit all the words out so I can see clearly and empty whatever is in my head, then my heart. All the tantamount of emotions is just too much.

Too too much for me right now.  And my brain is completely switching on its sarcasm auto-mode. 

Haih.  Just because of the emotional overload. 

Now I feel like a very very very bad person.

But then again, probably not. Hahahaha. Oh the bi(a)tch that I can be.

Me Myself and I

I somehow am feeling quite pissed today.  Been feeling this light-weighted feel (or what at least I try to make it be) of human connection that I slay from time to time, with some of the longest people I have known.  Am I the bi(a)tch or are they?  

Fine.  They have always been they way they are.  But just because they are, that doesn't mean I haven't been.  And goodness me, I am pissed because they feel that I deserve them so.  Well okay. Maybe it is God's way of telling me that I have gone overboard of late. But I have also been struggling with how to revive the friendship that is slowly dying.  And letting go of friendships that shouldn't be as you see photos of them with their new circle of friends circulating in the Internet.

I am humbled in this case.  But the emotions around me has been going crazy loopy all over from family to family.  Seriously loopy just keeping myself sane for all questions that I have been holding back from my own family.  And withholding my tongue (fingers, actually) from serial typing over people who are so desperate for attention that they keep interrupting other people's conversation with unrelated posters.  But I did let one out.  And all have since acted cowardice whenever I say something in the chat group.

Let alone be the day at work where all those who annoy me annoys me.  

Grr.

Reality Bites in the Arse

Truth be told I woke up weaving in and out of sleep literally being awake and sleeping 20-30 minutes each time, throughout this morning.  So I developed a headache.  Or perhaps I was weaving sleep because I had headache.  

So I tried to take my time getting ready for work.  I bathed and cleaned every nook and cranny of by body.  Then looking at self, I actually attempted to come to work without bra on today.  Well, I put the bra-singlet thing on and felt comfortable in it.  But there was a "WTF?!" moment and so I came to the office in a proper bra on.

I am still having headaches through the morning.  It has been quite a stressful day that I have not been getting much done where instead I would weave through the internet for some self-distraction, which really does me a lot of good, actually.  Err.  At least that is what I think.  

And so.  Reality bites in the arse.  Sometimes, a certain scent, or feeling or moment would pull me back to where I was a few years ago.  This morning I drifted into the memory when he made arrangements for household packing for us to move back into my parents' - when he knew he had no intention of moving back with me and the kids.  And that piece of memory waved of as I said, "OK" and moved myself upstairs to get ready.  

I am at a better place now.

Although the arse is hurting again when I see faces of people who reminds me of the stuffs I need to get going today.  

Too many loads today.  And I am slowly putting my head back into my shell as I resist, tongue-biting myself, finger-restraining myself, from sincerely lashing back to these groups who are self-absorbed. I never get why some people just like stealing someone else's thunder and does it so without compassion.  So very self-absorbed.

Haih.

Another self-distraction, I found a mushroom soup recipe, Jamie Oliver style.  Reminds me when I my eldest was about 2 years old.  We went into the bookshop and I showed him Jamie's cooking book and went, "Look at Uncle Jamie!" and everyone around us went curious and kept looking back at us. It was unintentional for it to sound that way.  But I just referred to everyone one else as uncles and aunts with him.

Anyhoo...  Here is the link to MUSHROOM SOUP by Jamie Oliver.

Looks good ain't it?

Chips and Ice

How does having a chip on the shoulder and dealing with someone else with a chip on their shoulder go together?  This eruption of ego clashes and snarling remarks flow of sarcasm even more when other people are suddenly included in the conversation thread.

I hate it when people react to be condescending with me, because I am as much as that.  Especially when you were not even born yet when I entered high school.  Being Asian, it shows little respect that you have with your elders when you are required to have just that in the religion that you live your life in.  

Your clothing do not represent who you are.  Your actions do.  

So for this period of time, I shall reflect back onto that.  

The truth is, my actions are what I am.

Self Resentment

What is love?  

Love is perhaps waiting for Scrabble to patiently load into your mobile and it has been more than 2 attempt of reloading and more than 3 minutes of waiting.  That is how patient we all are - only for 3 minutes.  And I am feeling impatient about it by minute.  Oh well.  Let us just shut the damn thing off.  Ugh.  Pffft.  How sad is that?

We used to wait 14-30 days for an international letter from our pen pal.  Or half a day lounging about the house, just waiting for a boyfriend's phone call made from the public phone.  And cards.  All sorts of greeting cards.  Throughout the weather.  And rundown letters from the rain.  Not bills.  Real heartfelt letters.

But I am in boredom as I celebrate alone by myself on all little tiny achievements.  

Why am I enthralled to these things?  So drawn to this weirdness that can be so sorry to self instead of simple awesomeness.  

At this point of time, I really pity myself.

This Roller Coaster Ride

After a few hours away from the first post, I have calm to my hypertension pills that I had forgotten to take this morning.  I have walked myself to from block to block getting back to my workstation with a gentle taste of Magnum in my mouth.  With long breaths and a sit down after some light snack now I remember what triggered my whole emotional roller bleeping coaster.

When I began with this place, I supported the top layer of management.  And after some ordeal I had to settle with for the past few years, I am now at the bottom.  Truthfully I am thankful that I do not take things personal, just the same that I execute my work as it should and do not try to make things difficult when carrying them out from Day 1.  

Hitting rock bottom was meant to happen.  Rock bottom with the job, and rock bottom with the marriage that went with most of the people I call family and friends.  But I got out of the crap that I stayed intensely for approximately 3 years.  It was not beautiful then.  However, getting out of it is considered as victorious as time goes by.

Today I met one of the support people with whom I have worked with from a long time back.  And I feel somewhat angered that at that one moment, she looked down on me.  The people whom were the the lower support team are now above me.  Just because someone berated me for things that were too many for me to do and keep them at the standard that both she and I wanted.  One thing is for sure, I do know that I did a good job at my end.  Who cares about what she thinks of me?  She cannot eat back on her words and her own actions now.  For she has since employed two other staffs to do my one job and paying more than double of what the company was paying for me, under par. 

I chose to leave as I was not being treated fairly.  So dear self, please calm yourself down.  You are allowed to cry your losses.  But you should celebrate what you have then achieved.

Getting out of the dull aching situation, you were able to learn who you were and what you wanted. You regained your self-confidence.  And you found true love again.  With this new working environment, you leave on time and have more time to make the children happy, the same to be able to run around for their extra classes and time for yourself.  So open your eyes and see the things that you have now.  No more brain messes after work and over the weekend as well as holidays.  You should be grateful my dear.

And I am.

Self Affair

This is one of the lowest points of my weeks. Aside of having waiting for my extremely delayed period due to PCOS, I have been extremely irritated to the fact that I have been moody and resenting this body.  Then finally the bad blood expels itself out recently to which I am absolutely grateful for, when I was away with my family for a short holiday.

On this day, I see pictures of me flying around in the Family Chat Group.  I am not photogenic.  Yes. I have always known that. But the weight and water retention that I had absorbed during this time while waiting for the period has given me an uglier face.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.

I makes me think why in the world did he remarry me?  How can you appreciate the woman who repeats herself the same through both marriages?  And absolutely, why do I do this to myself?  Do I really need to self-punish me this way?  

But seriously, I feel ugly inside out.

And I also hate this arrogant bastard in the office who is arrogant.  There are in fact, two of them.  

I may be going on this self-loath/hate/troubled feeling rampage throughout the day.  So I may as well just let myself vomit my feelings out in here.  

Can I cry now?

Tip of Mind

How are you when you are troubled with?  I would have shuddered in self-doubt just 3 years ago and let it stay within me for the next 8 years.  Now, I just don't give a damn.  

I am feeling bothered somehow.  Mind trailing off and skipping all around the place with rainbows all over and black patches here and there.  How annoyingly super that is.  And my eyes are glued to the time to finish off the shift for the week.  Truthfully, I haven't been productive at all this week.

Two offers came asking for my CV. But let's just see how I decide on them later.  I've totally lost my momentum when it gets about work, especially to begin in a new place.

Stuck Sensation

I have no idea where I am at.  In the midst of documents to write, I begin to wonder if I am emotionally stable, or mentally stable, seeing that out of my head, I have family relatives who has bipolar.  Perhaps I was one but eventually found a grip to hold onto.

Feeling like where I was before.  Perhaps it is my greatest ability to clean up people's mess.  Or, make a mess and clean myself after it.  Some days I go home and I won't be able to tell what I have done all day.  Now, that sucks.  But when you think it over, it is more of trying but being stuck in process that it in a chain of other people in it.  Or, you not being able to communicate to bring it further in the day.  Or, you keep calling people to get it going and still end up stuck there with 3, 4 things to finish but damn, you are completely in a jam.

Right now in the zone of delivering a message of memorandum which has been changed 3 times over since yesterday.  Getting all documents ready to support it is even more taxing.  To close cases that has not been closed making me feel like some what insurance agent in the finance end.  What is this? Am I just droning my days in and out?

Just how I completely feel like being absent for a mindful rest when my child gets into the hospital, with the other two siblings falling sick around the same time.  How restful is that when you are on your own without other half?  Not to say that I am completely grateful for the support of family so close, but, you know what I mean.

If I could just doze off right now, I would probably wake up 5 hours later.  

I just need a beautiful beach with clear water.  Wind in my hair.  Good hawker food.  Alone time in the balcony corners of the room.  And some time banging by the window.  I do need that.  The banging.  But I am feeling unattractive with this bloat of body.  And hating my hair.  As well as all the body hair that do not need to exist.  

Photo Found by Google Search

Rest is peaceful when resting is with him.  

The Ignorance in Me

There is this pit of sadness in me.  Of how ignorant I had been onto my own child.

The changes I faces and the challenges that came with them made me lose out so much on my eldest child.  I had hoped for him to be able to manage himself.  But I had forgotten that he is still dependent on me.  And I expected him to go off all alone when it was he who needed me.  

So I went out with a friend I had not met over a year.  Left the kids at home and when I came back, homework was strewn from the bed down onto the floor with them half sleeping.  It felt like a wreck eyesight.  

I went through his books and found nothing in them.  In his bag was full of exam results with Cs all over.  Truthfully I do not expect much from results.  But I expected content in his exercise books.  All of them had titles but zero input.  They were either scribbles of no meaning or no presence of words, numbers or anything else to fill in between the lines of the books.  It made me feel empty. Speechless in my heart.  Speechless in my brain.  Speechless within myself entirely.

I keep telling him to not disappoint himself by his own actions i.e. not finishing homework and other things important.  But yet there I was gravely disappointed with myself.

Counting the days to the nationwide examination in his form in September, I know not what to do. This is too, a learning process for me.  So I shall take it one step at a time...

Credit: via Google Search

...by checking his bags on daily basis - whether or not I am up to it or not.

Staying Afloat

What is it with me these days?  Like a roller coaster ride in my head of nothingness.  Just air bubbles that has empty air but with loads of bubbles.  Not that they are empty.  There are just meaningless. Having said that, I actually just said all of that to explain that my brain has got nothing in it except waves of air flow circulating in it.

So yesterday suddenly at work my brain just stopped functioning.  I can't figure out what I was reading and I was doing it over and over again and still I couldn't figure out what I was reading. Either it had no meaning, no content, no context; or the words just got lost and burst in the bubbles to disappear into thin air.  Maybe it is the type of people I am surrounded by that makes me retreat into the bubble bath in my brain.  

Frustration with people - yes.  So now, how does this go?

Truth be told: I still can't figure them out.  At least I can't figure how to work around this kind of deflating, backward environment.  I get pulled back where in the end, I ALLOW myself to be put in the 'setback'.

And let me allow for my head to float. 

Just because I need to.  For a little while.

Muddled Puddles

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by love that you feel compelled to cry most of the time you're awake and while falling asleep? Am I that sick to begin with? Okay. I feel sick. About it. That is.

Truth be told, I know that God has given me this internal strength to withstand such relationship. The things He had me go through to make me realise how much stronger of a person I am. For me to appreciate me and to learn how to appreciate all the other things He has given and will eventually give later on.

Because of all that, I am grateful that I get to experience them all and thankful for all that I had to go through. And the same for the fact that I grasp onto the affection I have with my spouse. But somehow it gets bad when he is away.

You see, the last time I was married, I struggled with that distance and embraced abandonment as the years grew with three little children tagging along and me trying to make ends meet as he. So my mind gets all wonky and messed up with resentments that I took a toll onto me. In the end I shut down, he shuts down and have no arguments as we both just go on along trying to just get things done and over with.

Recently I just came across this saying of:

Relationships without arguments are relationships full of secrets

...where I went in such awe with an obvious, "No shit!" while reading those lines over and over again. Indeed it's true. We were both repressing our feelings.

This time around, the kids have grown so things are easier to get done. But not having him around gets me weepy. I go into rants and heartaches in texts with him. And he responds. And it brings us closer. Such joy through hurting. How ironic.

And I just missed him. I know I can't change circumstances. So I'll just wait and pray that he returns home safely back to me.

So this is good.

PS: I managed to get the weepiness under control. #FeelingThankfulForNoWeepiness

A Bit of Lag

Slightly lost and lagging behind life.  At least that's how I am feeling.

The things that I have done for myself and fallen ill for it.  Apparently I had been under so much stress that it induced me into Transient Ischemic Attack of mild stroke which brought my husband home from 3 hours away by flight just to be by my side.  I was grateful that he came home.  We had a chance to squabble and share the hospital bed together, with a more secure heart and without much sleep from the constant BP and temperature check every other hour.

And as I supposed to be working, I am finding this self-distraction into other things not really work related.  At least I am feeling normal now.  And having songs melting in my ears as I hum them along not knowing how loud I am sounding like to other people. I don't really care.

Only now, I am feeling anxious somehow.

A Silent Spectator

Life has been buzzing by as I sit there and stare on my outlook with eyes glazed.  Sometimes it feels that way.  Perhaps that stone feeling stays there 50 percent of the time.  Or I just feel that way inside as no smile freezes on my face.  

I have been feeling suspended in the air for the past week. Just suspended there.  And nothing else except darkness and what I saw were shades of darkness that looms in the eyesight.  How does it get to there?  I could not even phantom how my skeptical look sees and times out that way.  My father has always told me that I cannot work with other people as my idealism is such that it may not give frame for other people to work on.  Perhaps.  As in my eyes, there were so many chances given that people in the end, takes her for granted before she cracks.

How do I stop feeling like a life's spectator?  I zone in and out automatically. At least I do not do it most of the time as last.  Perhaps the frequency has reduced. And I check into reality more often. But somehow I find myself flailing when he is not by my side.  Like one side rear view mirror is missing so losing hold perspective sometimes happen.

This is the outlook for me today.

I do not need a physical hug from him.  But him telling me that he misses me, would make me feel balanced somehow.  Because I need a little balance today.

Sleepless

I have been extremely tired. Perhaps that time of the month is due soon. Not quite sure as mine jumps as it pleases.

Have been in conversations with friends. One just got divorced. One is in turmoil. Anne is out of touch. Gecko is out of sight. Just realised the father of someone I knew was the one who legalised what is so wrong in the country.

Well. Helping those struggling and in turmoil had me break again the story of my life. The things I had to deal with. The communication breakdown. The selfishness. Most of which they never knew about. All they knew was that of the divorce. I told them nothing before that because that was no need for it.

Whatever it is, these thoughts are keeping me awake.

The condition that we were in the marriage was so bad that it had to breakdown. I was not a good faith keeper. But when I prayed, I kept telling God that I felt stuck. That was it. It kept going in the same sentence each rare time that I did.

But as Gecko say, God is fair. Sometimes when things get out of hand at home, it gets handleable in the office and it works vice versa. And when those rare times I had, God knew what I was going through. He knew it more than me. He knew me more than I knew myself.

Then the one in turmoil asked me how I handled it. It was actually hard for me to answer. I could not tell her that I felt that her marriage could probably head the same way just for them to be able to build it up again with much risk of not getting back together too. Plus, it is more twisted with him being stingy, counting pennies, is not the type who helps or nourishes her and expected more work done by her. She is a maidless working mother.

So I unravelled. God is giving her this chance to be in this group where she are free to let loose and not be judged. We support each other emotionally with politics out of the picture. God is blessing her by having her emotional strength to begin running. It is now her hobby since a couple of months ago.

Truth be told, I was talking to Zee about it just a few weeks ago. I said, it is good that Turmoil (let us call her that) is finding good spirit with her exercise. She gets her mind sorted. And she will slowly begin to realise her own strengths and identify what she wants and does not need in her life, where it is very close coming.

Then it did. She stacks up loathing about people misusing her at work. Then the internal home conditions and her relationship with her spouse. Touching her children later on. And then more on the personality of her spouse that frustrates her to bear with.  So I did what I could.

I grew up knowing inside that I am a healer. I just cannot tell you what I heal because I do not know. All I know is that I am. Maybe it is my calling. Hence why I am attracted to wretched souls and troubled people without even knowing it. Funny I can easily speak to them while others bitch about then on the sideline doing nothing. Everyone has their own problems. Some was born to go through wretched life since young. Some just need people to touch them for them to be free, to understand that the world can be a secure place if you want it to be.  That is how I see it through my eyes.

So I told Turmoil. Do not stop running. It is hers. Through all the crap things and stuffs that she has to deal with every day, let that remain as her day's highlight. Keep a notebook in the office charting her highs, lows, disappointments and self appreciations. And pray that her spouse will learn to undestand.

When he was about to leave me (that I did not know about), I decided if he is not satisfied, so be it. But I deserve all emotional 'salary' for being his wife. And if it makes me happy, then I should do it. So I began hugging him. Each day. Making him kiss my forehead before he leaves for work. It worked. But that was that.

It took me guts to finally be able to let me free to fall. Because I forgot to put God as No.1 first. So I understood then that if I fail, God is fair. He gives to those who try.  And He will be there for me because in the end, because He owns all 7 layers of skies and 7 layers of earth.  Leader of the universe where He will see me through.

For me, I began seeing him and talking to him as a friend. Whenever we had coffee after the kids were dropped off back to my house, I would tell him the things that I had to go through during that period (divorce). Then we would thread along the past when appropriate and I would just tell him what I felt when we were married and what I thought of them then when we had coffee. I was brave enough to talk about his family which was not to spoken off the negative when it had so much of it. And just gave him a piece of my mind in a low tone.

I surprise myself now. To slowly learn how to speak freely with him where it was not ever comfortable to do previously. Now when I am frustrated, my hollering and yelping does not bother I am much as he understands where I am coming from.  I tell him that I miss him and reciprocates.  I am very much thankful that I was able to break him down.  All that he needed was nurturing from all the childhood he grew in.  And all I do now when I see him is latched onto him for as long as I can. He lets me (I insist), and holds my hand when we walk.  We were never that before.

A marriage can shutdown when one shuts down. It gets bad when both shuts down and neither one could find the door to open the room. It disappeared into years of despair.

I wish her well. It is a process for Turmoil. I hope she does not give up on her running. She deserves her own time out.  And she deserves to be in touch with herself.  That is one thing I learnt that one should not give up.  But sometimes we forget.

Hearts all over for all Turmoil out there.

It Gets Gone

I have no clue if I have used this title before as I blog through my phone.

This is one of those times where this uber loneliness comes and greets you like... ugh. Memories come pouring through, they finally fall into timeline and you travel back to the days of the past just standing there and watching as everything happens.

Why do I even do this to myself? Cracking open back the wound for no reason at all. But as so many times I have said to myself, at least I am acknowledging pain and hardship to be able to move forward. But it hurts. Dull pain. Ugh.

Friends have been floating by. Those whom had been so close to me are so far away from me right now. I feel at loss. Even Anne whom wanted to make some activity taking up yoga classes has bailed out. I understand that she is currently out of job and has been living in an awful marriage. And I actually do not mind paying for her because this time together would probably bring joy for her. Just for her to feel good about herself. And maybe feel there is something else out there forbher. But of course. She must feel uneasy of her self-worth if I do that. Not embarrassed. Not ashamed. Just, not wanting to make her problems become someone else's. That is Anne. So I let her.
She is a beautiful person. But she hides her pain so thoroughly and has this master of diversion. But I look into her eyes and will repeat so honestly asking how she is doing. And I will see her crumble as she changes the direction of conversation that I acknowledge.

Then just one day out of the blue, I texted her. I was so frank I surprised myself. I told her to stop hiding from me. Just stop trying to brave everything when you cannot breathe and you live in constant fear and unhappiness.

Please strip yourself down when you are with me.
Bare your soul as I do with you.
I will not judge you.
You are so close to my heart.
Have no shame with me because I embrace you as I have always felt with you.
Shame is what you hide and I hide nothing from you.

This October would be 10 years since we spoke to each other. It has been that long. This tiny little girl still keeps jovial when we meet. But I want her to have that space where she can breakdown, be angry, be upset, be enraged and emote as free spirited as she always wanted and deserve to have.

I miss her presence. But I know I cannot push her. These complicated feelings and conditions need time. If there were those who stood by me to see me unravel and crack-addict like wavering in me for so over 30 years before the divorce, if God is willing, I shall do the same for her.

If only she has the push to embracing and taking control over her life that she has little of.

She is in my thoughts. I pray that she will be happy.

Some days are Ed Sheeren Days

Some days are Ed Sheeren Days.

"THINKING OUT LOUD"

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are

The truth is, love exists.  Only it will approach you in different ways.

Love.

Me.

It gets gone

It's at the end of the day and night for 31% off tub ice cream at Baskin for January. No, I didn't get any. Only 5 junior cups of assorted ice cream. And Affagato. And some sips of Java Chip.

Long day. Too tired. But my brain is still moving. I've exhausted myself from all games that has got Crush in its name. And shall leave FV2 off the android for the remaining few days. They keep having these short-term quests that you won't be able to get any grand prize from if you don't just spend your whole day with your efforts on them.

Yes. Effort. What do they bring you? Game effort. Gives you temporary license to gloat when your levels are higher than anybody else's. Even if you don't (gloat), you are the envy of any Crush town for being on the top pool ladder as they try so furiously get close to you (and they never do. Oopsie. I gloated. Unless of course, you get stuck at a level so long that you abandon it and come back to find 15 others are ahead of you... and you go "Yeah... yeah..." with a pout so long that you could feel it prodding your belly).

I'm just tired. And just to note that I took a quiz on what's the gender of your brain. Mine is apparently 25% Female and 75% Male. Go figure. Have always somehow felt I married some handsome chick.

Yes. He is a soft hearted whose emotions are what I understand. I never really did expect him to be a man kinda man. I appreciate it when a guy unfolds and allow himself to embrace his emotions.

Indeed. I'm the one wearing the pants. Perhaps inside, I am a man trapped in a woman's body but loves another man. Hahaha.

I think I'm too tired for my own good.

Good night.