This Roller Coaster Ride

After a few hours away from the first post, I have calm to my hypertension pills that I had forgotten to take this morning.  I have walked myself to from block to block getting back to my workstation with a gentle taste of Magnum in my mouth.  With long breaths and a sit down after some light snack now I remember what triggered my whole emotional roller bleeping coaster.

When I began with this place, I supported the top layer of management.  And after some ordeal I had to settle with for the past few years, I am now at the bottom.  Truthfully I am thankful that I do not take things personal, just the same that I execute my work as it should and do not try to make things difficult when carrying them out from Day 1.  

Hitting rock bottom was meant to happen.  Rock bottom with the job, and rock bottom with the marriage that went with most of the people I call family and friends.  But I got out of the crap that I stayed intensely for approximately 3 years.  It was not beautiful then.  However, getting out of it is considered as victorious as time goes by.

Today I met one of the support people with whom I have worked with from a long time back.  And I feel somewhat angered that at that one moment, she looked down on me.  The people whom were the the lower support team are now above me.  Just because someone berated me for things that were too many for me to do and keep them at the standard that both she and I wanted.  One thing is for sure, I do know that I did a good job at my end.  Who cares about what she thinks of me?  She cannot eat back on her words and her own actions now.  For she has since employed two other staffs to do my one job and paying more than double of what the company was paying for me, under par. 

I chose to leave as I was not being treated fairly.  So dear self, please calm yourself down.  You are allowed to cry your losses.  But you should celebrate what you have then achieved.

Getting out of the dull aching situation, you were able to learn who you were and what you wanted. You regained your self-confidence.  And you found true love again.  With this new working environment, you leave on time and have more time to make the children happy, the same to be able to run around for their extra classes and time for yourself.  So open your eyes and see the things that you have now.  No more brain messes after work and over the weekend as well as holidays.  You should be grateful my dear.

And I am.

Self Affair

This is one of the lowest points of my weeks. Aside of having waiting for my extremely delayed period due to PCOS, I have been extremely irritated to the fact that I have been moody and resenting this body.  Then finally the bad blood expels itself out recently to which I am absolutely grateful for, when I was away with my family for a short holiday.

On this day, I see pictures of me flying around in the Family Chat Group.  I am not photogenic.  Yes. I have always known that. But the weight and water retention that I had absorbed during this time while waiting for the period has given me an uglier face.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.

I makes me think why in the world did he remarry me?  How can you appreciate the woman who repeats herself the same through both marriages?  And absolutely, why do I do this to myself?  Do I really need to self-punish me this way?  

But seriously, I feel ugly inside out.

And I also hate this arrogant bastard in the office who is arrogant.  There are in fact, two of them.  

I may be going on this self-loath/hate/troubled feeling rampage throughout the day.  So I may as well just let myself vomit my feelings out in here.  

Can I cry now?

Tip of Mind

How are you when you are troubled with?  I would have shuddered in self-doubt just 3 years ago and let it stay within me for the next 8 years.  Now, I just don't give a damn.  

I am feeling bothered somehow.  Mind trailing off and skipping all around the place with rainbows all over and black patches here and there.  How annoyingly super that is.  And my eyes are glued to the time to finish off the shift for the week.  Truthfully, I haven't been productive at all this week.

Two offers came asking for my CV. But let's just see how I decide on them later.  I've totally lost my momentum when it gets about work, especially to begin in a new place.

Stuck Sensation

I have no idea where I am at.  In the midst of documents to write, I begin to wonder if I am emotionally stable, or mentally stable, seeing that out of my head, I have family relatives who has bipolar.  Perhaps I was one but eventually found a grip to hold onto.

Feeling like where I was before.  Perhaps it is my greatest ability to clean up people's mess.  Or, make a mess and clean myself after it.  Some days I go home and I won't be able to tell what I have done all day.  Now, that sucks.  But when you think it over, it is more of trying but being stuck in process that it in a chain of other people in it.  Or, you not being able to communicate to bring it further in the day.  Or, you keep calling people to get it going and still end up stuck there with 3, 4 things to finish but damn, you are completely in a jam.

Right now in the zone of delivering a message of memorandum which has been changed 3 times over since yesterday.  Getting all documents ready to support it is even more taxing.  To close cases that has not been closed making me feel like some what insurance agent in the finance end.  What is this? Am I just droning my days in and out?

Just how I completely feel like being absent for a mindful rest when my child gets into the hospital, with the other two siblings falling sick around the same time.  How restful is that when you are on your own without other half?  Not to say that I am completely grateful for the support of family so close, but, you know what I mean.

If I could just doze off right now, I would probably wake up 5 hours later.  

I just need a beautiful beach with clear water.  Wind in my hair.  Good hawker food.  Alone time in the balcony corners of the room.  And some time banging by the window.  I do need that.  The banging.  But I am feeling unattractive with this bloat of body.  And hating my hair.  As well as all the body hair that do not need to exist.  

Photo Found by Google Search

Rest is peaceful when resting is with him.  

The Ignorance in Me

There is this pit of sadness in me.  Of how ignorant I had been onto my own child.

The changes I faces and the challenges that came with them made me lose out so much on my eldest child.  I had hoped for him to be able to manage himself.  But I had forgotten that he is still dependent on me.  And I expected him to go off all alone when it was he who needed me.  

So I went out with a friend I had not met over a year.  Left the kids at home and when I came back, homework was strewn from the bed down onto the floor with them half sleeping.  It felt like a wreck eyesight.  

I went through his books and found nothing in them.  In his bag was full of exam results with Cs all over.  Truthfully I do not expect much from results.  But I expected content in his exercise books.  All of them had titles but zero input.  They were either scribbles of no meaning or no presence of words, numbers or anything else to fill in between the lines of the books.  It made me feel empty. Speechless in my heart.  Speechless in my brain.  Speechless within myself entirely.

I keep telling him to not disappoint himself by his own actions i.e. not finishing homework and other things important.  But yet there I was gravely disappointed with myself.

Counting the days to the nationwide examination in his form in September, I know not what to do. This is too, a learning process for me.  So I shall take it one step at a time...

Credit: via Google Search

...by checking his bags on daily basis - whether or not I am up to it or not.