Separation Anxiety

Feeling low and alone. Finally the cycle comes menstruating the 3 months missed. Perhaps it is the hormonal things that seem to make it more dramatic than it should be.

I have not seen or met or spoken in proper giggling conversation with the rock I had throughout my divorce period, in months. Of course I miss all the package of Eeyore. But I also feel that because there is something missing in me that it would trigger as being pushy, selfish and self-absorbed. After the long duration, I don't want to be pushing the wrong button with that donkey. Haha.

I suppose, after this vacuum perios, I actually don't know what to say to her when the time comes. Just coz I've been so boring that I don't have anything to share.

Now, that truth is really sad.

#LoathingInSelfPity

Self Shame

I know that I have been slacking myself at work.  I can get so stubborn with all these things.  Should not have let the people who bother me to bother me.  Should not have let myself dwell with such things that in the end erupts in my face to shame.  I should have known better.  After what I have gone through so recently.

And now I need to clear my shit out.  

Thanks to thyself.  

The Fall from the Burj

There was last year's best songs music award live telecast last night. We watched. I knew I tried getting tickets to attend at the venue. But we did not manage to get any this year. I did not need any the year before.  

I could still remember clearly the last that we attended. Our second child had just been discharged from the hospital after staying there for one week. Caught between motherhood feeling guilty leaving the sick behind and doing the right thing for me, I took on the latter and got myself ready for the show.  Neither of us spoke as we both got ready. He did not care to look at me. And I just went along to what I think was fine enough for him.  

The strain on the marriage begun to show. He was only present on the first night at the hospital and left the following night for the work, hours away from home. He did not try to come home to visit his son, neither did he try to answer my calls when the child needed him most. When I needed him too. He only came back when we were all safely at home, in time for the show.

So I queued for entry as he went to park the car. His brother and his wife came waddling behind me, joining the show, and joined me in line. And then I found him further behind. Much further behind, out of line, by the borders of the sidewalk with a phone on his cheek smiling and laughing as he spoke. Something that I had not seen him do for me of late, at the time. I did not have anything to say to him. I was hurt and disappointed. Beyond words. When he joined us, he was vacant. My presence bothered him. It was not me who was spacing out. And so I told myself that I was going to let me go and enjoy this show.

I envied the relationship that his brothers had with their wives. They were so free. One could shout all her might openly and not get schooled by anyone in the family, as he. One would snuggle and tease hers as he did with she where everyone else would join in the laughter. One was so quick to do things that you could see her husband just there to pick up what she missed out. They all did not have emotional barrier with their spouses. Something what he and I did not have.

At that point of the live show telecast where we were a couple of years ago, we stood there like mannequins. This was not the man I knew by heart. Not the one who would stare at me as I lay sleeping. Not the one who would make me laugh and laugh with me. Not the one who would try to meddle with what I was doing just to make it perfect while being a nuisance. I knew he has lost appreciation for me.  

I got up and danced as the show went on. But I was partially paralyzed. It was as if my actions were embarrassing him. I did not care. I knew I needed this. And this went on until the show ended at midnight. It felt like being on top of the Burj and waiting to fall knowing the gap of fall it would take to the ground. The hollowness was hurtful. It felt like the enjoyment had gone to waste.

My laid my head against his shoulder as we watched the show last night. He tried to recollect when was the last we went for the music award. I said, "Two years ago.  But let us not talk about it. It was hurtful. You face showed disgust at the sight of me." He managed a gaggle acknowledging it before falling silent. Like a black comedy that is worth a gaggle, I snorted too. But his body remained relax, as did I. And we continued watching the show together until it ended.

Last night I fell from the Burj to let go of a memory, knowing that he would embrace me somewhere in between. And I would be ready there prepared with a parachute myself too.  

Coffee - Places and Spaces

The smell of coffee seem to always brighten up a room.  Especially when it is cozy, cooling and somehow fills in the vacant space that is left unsaid.  

I love coffee.  Spent many nights that we sat through at the coffee place until we were asked to leave. Even then, Eeyore and I would then still talking over supper next door, where we later be perched under a tree and continue our conversation in the parking lot.  By then the baristas would holler at us as they sat in replace of us for their own time out after closing.  "Still not done yet?" they would go where we would holler back, "We never do!" 

Do I miss those times?  I do.  But things happen and surroundings change.  I meant to be doing something else with coffee in hand in another place as Eeyore.

I pray that she is happy.  

Mood for Affogato

I contemplated blogging about two separate topics.  But I got either getting myself emotionally turned to some sort of something that I do not like, or it got fizzled off just because it does not matter anymore.

No matter, I am in the same rut today too... Or so it seems to be. 

An affogato would be nice.

Really nice.