It gets gone

It's at the end of the day and night for 31% off tub ice cream at Baskin for January. No, I didn't get any. Only 5 junior cups of assorted ice cream. And Affagato. And some sips of Java Chip.

Long day. Too tired. But my brain is still moving. I've exhausted myself from all games that has got Crush in its name. And shall leave FV2 off the android for the remaining few days. They keep having these short-term quests that you won't be able to get any grand prize from if you don't just spend your whole day with your efforts on them.

Yes. Effort. What do they bring you? Game effort. Gives you temporary license to gloat when your levels are higher than anybody else's. Even if you don't (gloat), you are the envy of any Crush town for being on the top pool ladder as they try so furiously get close to you (and they never do. Oopsie. I gloated. Unless of course, you get stuck at a level so long that you abandon it and come back to find 15 others are ahead of you... and you go "Yeah... yeah..." with a pout so long that you could feel it prodding your belly).

I'm just tired. And just to note that I took a quiz on what's the gender of your brain. Mine is apparently 25% Female and 75% Male. Go figure. Have always somehow felt I married some handsome chick.

Yes. He is a soft hearted whose emotions are what I understand. I never really did expect him to be a man kinda man. I appreciate it when a guy unfolds and allow himself to embrace his emotions.

Indeed. I'm the one wearing the pants. Perhaps inside, I am a man trapped in a woman's body but loves another man. Hahaha.

I think I'm too tired for my own good.

Good night.

Separation Anxiety

Feeling low and alone. Finally the cycle comes menstruating the 3 months missed. Perhaps it is the hormonal things that seem to make it more dramatic than it should be.

I have not seen or met or spoken in proper giggling conversation with the rock I had throughout my divorce period, in months. Of course I miss all the package of Eeyore. But I also feel that because there is something missing in me that it would trigger as being pushy, selfish and self-absorbed. After the long duration, I don't want to be pushing the wrong button with that donkey. Haha.

I suppose, after this vacuum perios, I actually don't know what to say to her when the time comes. Just coz I've been so boring that I don't have anything to share.

Now, that truth is really sad.

#LoathingInSelfPity

Self Shame

I know that I have been slacking myself at work.  I can get so stubborn with all these things.  Should not have let the people who bother me to bother me.  Should not have let myself dwell with such things that in the end erupts in my face to shame.  I should have known better.  After what I have gone through so recently.

And now I need to clear my shit out.  

Thanks to thyself.  

The Fall from the Burj

There was last year's best songs music award live telecast last night. We watched. I knew I tried getting tickets to attend at the venue. But we did not manage to get any this year. I did not need any the year before.  

I could still remember clearly the last that we attended. Our second child had just been discharged from the hospital after staying there for one week. Caught between motherhood feeling guilty leaving the sick behind and doing the right thing for me, I took on the latter and got myself ready for the show.  Neither of us spoke as we both got ready. He did not care to look at me. And I just went along to what I think was fine enough for him.  

The strain on the marriage begun to show. He was only present on the first night at the hospital and left the following night for the work, hours away from home. He did not try to come home to visit his son, neither did he try to answer my calls when the child needed him most. When I needed him too. He only came back when we were all safely at home, in time for the show.

So I queued for entry as he went to park the car. His brother and his wife came waddling behind me, joining the show, and joined me in line. And then I found him further behind. Much further behind, out of line, by the borders of the sidewalk with a phone on his cheek smiling and laughing as he spoke. Something that I had not seen him do for me of late, at the time. I did not have anything to say to him. I was hurt and disappointed. Beyond words. When he joined us, he was vacant. My presence bothered him. It was not me who was spacing out. And so I told myself that I was going to let me go and enjoy this show.

I envied the relationship that his brothers had with their wives. They were so free. One could shout all her might openly and not get schooled by anyone in the family, as he. One would snuggle and tease hers as he did with she where everyone else would join in the laughter. One was so quick to do things that you could see her husband just there to pick up what she missed out. They all did not have emotional barrier with their spouses. Something what he and I did not have.

At that point of the live show telecast where we were a couple of years ago, we stood there like mannequins. This was not the man I knew by heart. Not the one who would stare at me as I lay sleeping. Not the one who would make me laugh and laugh with me. Not the one who would try to meddle with what I was doing just to make it perfect while being a nuisance. I knew he has lost appreciation for me.  

I got up and danced as the show went on. But I was partially paralyzed. It was as if my actions were embarrassing him. I did not care. I knew I needed this. And this went on until the show ended at midnight. It felt like being on top of the Burj and waiting to fall knowing the gap of fall it would take to the ground. The hollowness was hurtful. It felt like the enjoyment had gone to waste.

My laid my head against his shoulder as we watched the show last night. He tried to recollect when was the last we went for the music award. I said, "Two years ago.  But let us not talk about it. It was hurtful. You face showed disgust at the sight of me." He managed a gaggle acknowledging it before falling silent. Like a black comedy that is worth a gaggle, I snorted too. But his body remained relax, as did I. And we continued watching the show together until it ended.

Last night I fell from the Burj to let go of a memory, knowing that he would embrace me somewhere in between. And I would be ready there prepared with a parachute myself too.  

Coffee - Places and Spaces

The smell of coffee seem to always brighten up a room.  Especially when it is cozy, cooling and somehow fills in the vacant space that is left unsaid.  

I love coffee.  Spent many nights that we sat through at the coffee place until we were asked to leave. Even then, Eeyore and I would then still talking over supper next door, where we later be perched under a tree and continue our conversation in the parking lot.  By then the baristas would holler at us as they sat in replace of us for their own time out after closing.  "Still not done yet?" they would go where we would holler back, "We never do!" 

Do I miss those times?  I do.  But things happen and surroundings change.  I meant to be doing something else with coffee in hand in another place as Eeyore.

I pray that she is happy.  

Mood for Affogato

I contemplated blogging about two separate topics.  But I got either getting myself emotionally turned to some sort of something that I do not like, or it got fizzled off just because it does not matter anymore.

No matter, I am in the same rut today too... Or so it seems to be. 

An affogato would be nice.

Really nice.

The Sidecar of Life

Googled

The school has reopened in the part of the continent.  And all three children of mine are officially off into real school from this year onward.  I have no idea if it makes me feel old.  I do not feel it so.  Just a sense of longing for the baby-ness that has gone with them growing up.  It is just that looking at other new, fresh smelling child makes me feel that that part of my life has pass.  

Changes in life is good.  So many are asking for more produce from me.  It is alright that I have decided so although babies are nice, but I am letting my husband be my baby now.  I can travel and date him without worrying about the kids when we do.  And that would be my copy paste answer to anyone asking.

During that first few years in life, I was breeding, packing, unloading, breastfeeding and cleaning.  I did not get to concentrate on me or the relationship in my marriage.  Like any other mother, you soon lose the factor of knowing what you like or even what you would like; and sex seems to fizzle out as you ironically spray breast milk all over when you have orgasm while doing it.

Having gone through the changes in my life, I feel that it is time for me to continue this quest of fulfilling self.  I do want to know what I like, what I want to discover, where I want to go, what I want to do.  And I want to experience all this with my spouse, whom would be on the one riding the motorcycle as I sit in the sidecar just discovering the open road.  Let me be free with my emotions and surprise myself (as well as he) with them each time.

I am open with him now.  Even when we squabble, I would answer now openly.  Somehow delighted that he responds to them and then we crack up in laughter; or the silent treatments that usually will not last long (unlike before).  I do not hold a grudge (or perhaps because I know God will show him to it.  Hahaha.  It has happened several times now) like how I used to.  And truthfully, it is easier to live life by letting the grudges just go.  

God put me through a year of it.  Many others go through years of it, perhaps most of their life.  This I know.  But I am thankful that He wanted to teach me lessons that I could not have learnt by myself, even by observation - Letting go.  Clearing my emotions.  To communicate what I emote.  To break down my walls.  To be free.  And most of all, to be thankful.  

Truly, I am thankful.

   

Recollecting Memories

I have been flooded by memories from the past. They come in nonchalantly and without warning leaving gaps of sweetness, hurt and sorrow all at the same time. Ear plugs were stuck into my head most of hours of the days in office with me singing quietly just to shut me out from the world today. Perhaps today was meant for self-reflection.

Tones reminds me of those times he worked months away from home. The utter sorrow and loneliness of his pierced through my ear and tears just flow drop after drop. How alone and away he was from where he used to be and to where he belonged.  Other sounds brought me back to rekindling and forgiving. And I began to remember conversations that were quirky enough to make me laugh.

The night after he actually asked my hand in marriage for the second time, I only courtesy called family with whom I had direct contact with throughout the divorce. For one, my mother's older sister who seems to find me amusing. I feel a sense of freedom to be amusing whenever I speak to her at this day and age as I grow older. 

I told her, if God deems so that it would take place, I would want to celebrate it. Putting aside what my mother and husband-to-be felt that the solemnization was more important worrying about what I wanted on the day before. "But of course I want to have my own bouquet of flowers and henna on my fingers. It does not matter the fact that there are family whom object to it openly, but it would be my wedding day and therefore I will make it my wedding day," I told her as she listened intently.

You see, the objection was strong enough that I was informed that I was no longer welcome into his family. And the quietness of this was to care sensitivity of them. But after all that has happened, I still deserve to celebrate on something that is happy for me.

So I told her, "And so, I will get the bouquet tomorrow and get my nail henna done the same. At this point of life I want to be in happy as I am in happy." She applauded me.

On Saturday morning, I found a beautiful head scarf by chance at my little single budget with a friend whom I met on a whim to do laundry with. Oh I heart her dearly. We had coffee and spoke briefly about our lives before we parted. Then on Sunday night while everyone was busy with their own things, I drove myself to some outskirt florist for a simple hand bouquet that I prayed not to be too much for the next day. And as everyone else lay sleeping, I painted my fingers red.

Dressed myself and brought my bouquet to the registrar's office. And I felt beautiful the entire time. When I announced that we were now husband and wife, the first thing that my aunt asked was to share a picture of my henna and hand bouquet. Again, she applauded.

Googled

The mystery of this is that I did what I wanted to have and did not let other people's opinion hinder my spirit to celebrate that was rightful for me.

I think I did good. And I am glad I did what I did. I call it owning my own sense of ownership.

Hope Over Complacency

I am feeling complacent.  Not liking this new me.  With reluctance for problem solving where instead finding it hard to segregate my own emotions for the goodness of the teamwork which is almost non-existent here at this point of time.  More like, what is expected of you but with no proper instruction, monitoring and execution.  

Jolting self to wake up and decide what I want to be today.  I told myself that it would be a day where I would enjoy my day at work.  It is no question that I enjoy working.  Something that I have managed to forget during my 4 months here.  How wrong can that be?

Then again, mistakes are found in my work and so I am upset with myself.  Just because I do not receive to many of work and just decided to halt so many other things mid-way.  So like the rest of team.  

But I know I am not at their level of IQ and EQ.  

I need to have that part of me back.

What matters is what I am able to fix.  That would be the kind of my achievements and self-satisfaction.

Let us just see how this goes...

The Drama of an Old Man

I pretended to be busy today.  Gnawing through the computer and rustling through files like what I did actually matter.  I do not really give a damn.  But I had to do something to get me alert for last night's sleep quality was poor.  

Perhaps being laid-back can be a good thing.  But not so much of a good thing to practice too often at work, especially when it comes to execution.  Simply today, when getting everyone into the meeting room at a stipulated time became a task when all involved gave this face that does not mean anything. It only manages to spell back 'you are invisible' to you.  Fine.  But has it got to be the same from the top too?

Logically when you do business providing services, you should keep a tab on people paying you.  So, how can it be hard when you are asked to do just that?  Being cynical that does not mean anything by throwing out words that a 10 year old would.  I am sorry.  But I do not get that.  I seriously do not get the fact that you are that old and could slump, throw a fit at the meeting table going, "May as well change this department's name into Finance", "We are department A, doing Finance's job (snorts)", "It is department B's job".  Oh come on you poor old soul.  

Truth be told, I felt like slapping his head one time.  

Even then suddenly I blurted out, "It is not so bad," for just helping to remind your customer to pay up for what you have given.  And this person went, "Sorry?  What was that you were saying? Again?" for all any possible drama where he continued with, "I never said it was bad.  I never mentioned the word bad whatsoever..." and the drama ensues.

I do not understand a single bit of it and his calculative ways.

If only he could see where he is losing out.  Where his actions to not do it will cause no income for the company, especially when the customers see that we do not care about it.

Finding Perspective

It is in the middle of the night and I am still awake. Found myself wasting minutes on cigarettes in small confined toilet that I call as my breathing space to so much of irony. I should quit. I feel like quitting but I get lonely. Another irony as I wanted breathing space to that.

I grew up trying to find myself. Never identified myself as beautiful. I know now that it was because I never really did embrace me. But being in that, I lived a totally blurred outlook. I am being transparent here. Completely. I get lost when people start talking. And with obvious reasons, it gets awkward with people.

On the day of my divorce, I came home feeling elated. I was relieved it was over. Spent months trying to figure where I and where it went wrong. Speaking with family who felt I should leave the marriage, that I was not good enough for they believed the stories that were told to them during that duration. Naturally I felt betrayed. 

For one family member who came by herself to see me, the second force to vote for it, shocked at the sight of me. I had grown thin from the miraculous extra 10 kgs I put on just one year before from the hormonal imbalance. I lost more than 15 kgs within 3 months. And I remember telling her this:

"I am glad it is over (the divorcing period). Why should I stay or fight over a man who does not love me? And I am thankful that I have come to terms with myself. At least finally I feel beautiful - as I never did."

She responded, "What do you mean? Are you telling me you never felt beautiful before this?"

I nodded my head. 

Truth be told, that was why I have always signed myself off with 'cute'. I felt dressing up was too much for me. Makeup was the same. Frustrated my circle of friends that I had lack of interest or did not see the need of it. 

I was finally settled with myself. Began to count back and be bold with myself. Identifying and acknowledging the things that I have done or achieved for myself and others. I also found a connection and need to be with people to help me as I help others in need of things or emotional nutrition. 

Such sorrow I carried myself in. That empty space and hole in my soul was what I was familiar with. I would be the one sulking at a corner (not that I was trying to as I appear to be sulking all the time) and perhaps draining others with their happiness. But I was attracted to lost souls. I knew of that as I was familiar with the emptiness in mine.

I forgave myself for what I have given or done was the best that I could think of or do at the time. And I still remember telling my husband then in the court when the judge asked us to have a moment to speak with each other before the he gave me away back to my parents.

"I seek you to forgive for all the things that you expected more or lesser than I was able to give, provide and nourish. Do allow all food, monetary and items that you have given and provided for me to be halal and in kindness. I forgive you the same for all that I expected more or lesser that you were able to provide me. And I am same for all the food and items that I have provided during our course of marriage. 

I allow you to let me go so that you can live a life single again. You have done so much for others. Sacrificed your years to provide other people's expectations that you were unable to fulfill or having the opportunity finding your own expectations. For you to do all the things you never got to do in your life. For you to learn new things and find your happiness. For you to find your destiny."

He choked a little when the judge asked if we dated before we married. We did. The judge resumed with that it is really, no excuse for you to say that you do not know who your spouse is and irreconcilable differences between husband and wife.  

When he took the vows to let me go, the whole court went silent. Funnily enough, I looked at him as the vows were drawn out from his mouth. I found myself smiling in unison of the farewell of our marriage. Then it was done.  I was single again in the eyes of God.  The same, in the eyes of the whole court members.  And I left the bench. Only to find his mom embracing mine as if I was her child being divorced from her husband. My mom had to pacify here. Too much of drama. But I felt free of letting go heartache, as well as someone and something that once meant so much to me.

I learnt to appreciate what I did for myself to putting myself forward. Spent many nights getting over it. The piercing lonely nights when all you need is someone holding you tight full of affection. I am blessed to have such good friends who just stood by me during that raging hours.  Their words drawn in in repetition night after night for me to realize my self-worth and keeping good pride.   

From all that I have learnt was, the marriage that we built came to such a bad condition that it had to breakdown. I became more silent towards the years as it crumbled. Shutting down was easier and it seemed necessary that I did more of then. I put myself away from all priorities as I put everyone up front. I became nothing and he became more and more controlling. I gave the power to him when I was the one manning the ship. I had always been the one wearing the pants but I wanted him to do it. The ship was wrecked.

Through the divorce, I found me again. I forgot how much I love shoes and the colour fuchsia. Dwell in late night coffee and indulged in conversations that I appreciate. I have always loved writing and emotions. I managed to clean myself up and appreciated more in clothes as I begin to lose more weight. And I began to love makeup. Feeling beautiful in my strikingly fuchsia Sephora lipstick. 

With this ownership, he began looking back at me to what I never allowed myself to become. I became more attractive as I began to reinstate or own the confidence that dwindled and exhausted throughout our marriage. I did not care about what he felt or saw, I only cared about me, my sanity and my kids.

Sometimes I would draw out about what I went through with people whom I call my friends. I am thankful as they say, I do not try to diminish my past; instead it was sharing of life's process. 

Too many times I went into depression. And too many times in the past that I carried disappointments that were not of mine onto myself. I learnt to let go. At one step at a time, I learnt to forgive. Then I learnt to pray the best for each one of them.  And I am thankful for that I have learnt through the harrowing experience God gave me. For after that, I found true love.

Truth be told, it feels like the first time every time I look at him. And truth be told, I am truly thankful for the wreckage that went away with my total unhappiness with it.